this post was submitted on 21 Jun 2024
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Many of our cities in north america don't have good access to third places anymore, due to both availability and cost.
I refuse to use online dating/friendship services so I struggle to meet friends and partners in the new citiy I moved to. Everyone at the local bar scenes is 15-30 years older than me, my outdoor local areas are homeless emcampments or riddled with needles and litter. I've met some people at my local climbing gym, but I find it difficult to get there between the cost of climbing and my physical labour job.
It almost feels like if you don't make the plans online you don't get to meet/hang out with people anymore and I'm not a huge fan of that.
Out of curiosity, why the refusal to use online dating?
Not OP, but the usual reply I see is, because dating companies are incentivized to keep you on their app, not get you a happy relationship, so you need to go through hundreds of dates and thousands of rejections, which can be mentally taxing.
I don't have the energy to swipe new partners every week, I'm not a fan of hook up culture, anyone I've met on the apps keep using the apps while I see them. I'm not super big into social media and frequently don't have service at work, I've had people on the apps complain 20+ minutes is unacceptable as a response time. I don't take many pics of myself to make a good profile. Overall the experience is discouraging and stressful.
I get that, in my experience it was just weeding through the bad ones. I had my fair share of un matches/ghosts/a holes.
I also hated taking pictures of myself and had a mediocre at best bio. What worked for me was not getting emotionally invested in the apps/matches.
The matches that i got and went out on a date or two with i was very up front that i was still using the app. It wasn't until our 4th date that my partner and i deleted our apps.
Anywho, just wanted to share some hopefully positive advice. You will find the right one for you! Just have fun with it and try not to take it seriously
How am I supposed to get emotionally attached to someone when I'm having a borderline one-sided conversation. The People you meet on those apps are not interested in carrying the conversation and it's just mentally exhausting.
They don't provide any kind of hook that I can respond to.
My recommendation: don't have (nor expect) conversations. I've been on many dates (high double digits, or more) and I have not once had someone I've met in person resemble what I would have guessed they were like from a dating profile, sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Attitude, energy, chemistry, ambition, positivity, respect, confidence, grace, social skills, an attractive voice, etc -- none of that is going to come across through text.
The goal should be meeting up in person and figuring it out on the fly. I usually send one message involving something along the lines of "hello , hope you're having a great week", maybe add a detail about their profile that I found genuinely interesting, and then I immediately send a follow up message along the lines of "Text isn't my forte, so I'd love to get together sometime this week and get to know each other over drinks -- unless, of course, you love playing -tag :) Shoot me your number and let's make plans"
If my match isn't comfortable with sharing their number, I propose we meet up for drinks and we can exchange numbers later. If my match objects to meeting so soon (this is maybe 1 in 30 matches or so) I tell them that I understand, but I also let them know (kindly and respectfully) that this probably tells me that we aren't compatible, and then unmatch with them. Everyone else either has no qualms with my approach, or explicitly states that they really appreciated my forwardness.
Spare yourself and your matches the inherently boring small talk, and jump straight to meeting in person. Everyone wins.
I dealt with that stuff too. I would try a couple times and if it goes that way, just un match. Do it for yourself, you are worth finding someone that is legitimately interested in you. Just have to go through some that are not a long the way
I have nothing to add, but OMG, it's like I'm reading about myself, I'm 27 and I gave up on the entire dating apps thingy
Especially this, although I never met them in person, I know they're still talking to someone else, some even sent the wrong messages my way
Yeah I guess I can see that. I’ve always seen the apps as not owing me anything, matches are pretty rare, but it’s kind of fun to get them and chat with random people. Most of the chats never go anywhere but again, I don’t really expect them to. Just putting zero pressure on it has worked for me.
Either I don’t use any online dating and have a zero % chance to meet someone using it, or I use it, and get that up to a solid 1%. Still low, but infinitely better than 0.
Yeah, that's how i started using them as well, it just increases the odds. I went through a phase of "wanting to be in a relationship" and that was the focus of the apps for me. I would read every bio and then decide if i swipe right or not and think about how we would be good for each other. That was taxing and took a lot out of me emotionally.
Eventually i realized it really is just a numbers game. So i just looked at pictures and if i liked them swiped right. Then if we matched i would read the bio and have conversations.
That being said i was the one that got swipped right on and am thankful to have deleted those apps a year ago. I feel for those that are stuck in the online dating hellscape.
Not only that, but every one that I've used also clearly sells your data. I always get weird messages outside of the dating app from "women" trying to scam me for a while after I signed up.
Not OP but I hear so many stories of sexual harassment, of people insisting on having sex when you clearly state in your profile you are not looking for a hookup and calling you names when you do not give in, "sour grapes" treatment for rejection for any reason really ("I just messaged you out of pity!" stuff), of gay people getting messaged by straight ones thinking they can "turn" the gay person… as a woman lucky enough to have never experienced this kind of trash in my life, I am NOT willing to open the floodgates to harassment or this level of rudeness and experience it for the first time.
It helps that although it would be nice to have a partner, I know I could be happy and fulfilled without one, so I'll never have a desperate need for a partner that pushes me to risk harassment and use an app.
I am in a happy relationship since before dating apps became popular, so I don't have first-hand experience, but that would be my last choice for finding a partner. For me, meeting someone has always been a matter of circumstance. I never went anywhere with the idea of meeting friends or a partner, so somehow everything just happened by itself and I have a great partner and great friends. I would say you should just follow your interests and try to be happy with yourself, then the rest will come by itself (of course it's easier if you go to a sports club instead of doing sports with your favorite youtuber or take a pottery class instead of reading a book at home if you have the vague goal of making new acquaintances). Plus openness, honesty and a bit of humor will get you further than any dating app, I'd say.
I feel like that great advice… for people who need it. Not sure if this reply is directed at me, but if it is I feel like you are replying as if I complained about not being able to meet people and desperately wanting a partner and need to hear the advice… my entire post was that I am eschewing dating apps because I hear how hellish they are and that I do not need one anyways because I'm already happy by myself and I'll take a partner if one comes. I am not explicitly seeking, either, just not closed off to the option if it shows up.
If you are commenting for any onlookers instead, I totally get it. I've accidentally fallen into all my relationships too, by way of participating in activities that involve other humans (I personally pursue music—specifically making it with other people. Piano accompaniment is just more fun for me than playing solo), or meeting them through friends. I have never used a dating app for actually meeting anyone, although I did sign up for OKCupid as a 12-year-old just to take the personality quiz (with an obviously fake profile) so I can't actually say "never used a dating app".
Sorry, yes this was not specifically meant for you, English is not my first language and it is missing a word to adress unspecified persons, which I have in my language, so I had to use "you" instead.
"Speaking in general" would have worked, as would have just saying "people" or using generic nouns.
I have no idea how to make this come across in a helpful, informative tone but please know I mean it that way and not in an aggressive way.
Lots of bots too. Also texting online usually has a lot of shallow conversation or just pleasantries and everything fizzles out quickly. People get weirded out too if you try to date too quickly. Online dating sucks.