this post was submitted on 07 May 2024
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129
Where do I look when seated at a restaurant to seem normal? (lemmy.world)
submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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(when seated in a group with others, i should clarify. if i'm by myself i'm absolutely happy to be on my phone or book)

i genuinely have an issue. it's like....there's people on all sides. i need to rest my eyes somewhere, esp in a social setting which is already inherently a bit wearing

  • if you look down at your food, you look sad or disinterested or whatever
  • if you look at the ceiling that's insane, isn't it?

so that's down and up out. let's look at:

  • the sides, which have people there or nearly there, or obscuring the view of a nice window or painting, and you can't stare at people.

fuck fuck fuck. what about:

  • the center. oh no. this is the nightmare zone. let's break it down into 3 sections: the top contains their face, that's quite insane to look at. downwards, the table across from you with their food, that could seem like you're looking at their body very intently, can't do that. the middle? if it's a woman, then that's very much bad form. but if you're a guy generally attracted to women, part of your brain wants to look no matter what, at least a little. and since when you're sitting, forward is the most natural direction to look (you can't really turn around or move, particularly), so you keep coming back to it and AHH FUCK

fucking nightmare.

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[–] [email protected] 88 points 6 months ago (2 children)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotlight_effect

The spotlight effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the center of one's own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon. The reason for the spotlight effect is the innate tendency to forget that although one is the center of one's own world, one is not the center of everyone else's. This tendency is especially prominent when one does something atypical.[1]

Research has empirically shown that such drastic over-estimation of one's effect on others is widely common. Many professionals in social psychology encourage people to be conscious of the spotlight effect and to allow this phenomenon to moderate the extent to which one believes one is in a social spotlight.[2]

[–] [email protected] 17 points 6 months ago

See also: masking

Trying too hard to mask + spotlight effect? You're gonna have a bad time. It took me a while to eventually learn to just like not stare at someone too long and you'll be fine. Nobody cares unless it's them you're staring at, and even then they probably don't care all that much.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago

Numerous experiences in my life have proven to me that this is partly accurate and op has grounds to be worried.

I cannot count the times i was lost in thought in a public space and someone interrupted me with "the fuck you looking at?" or "is something wrong?" type of questions.

People notice. You notice. Sometimes it's ignored, but enough times you need to unscramble your thoughts to answer a "the fuck you looking at?" out of nowhere.

Having a phone is the modern excuse. Just stare at the screen or pretend you're scrolling.

Yet, having a low self-esteem will make one anxious in a public setting quite unreasonably. And while hard to achieve all the time, an answer is in fact to stop caring about what other people think. It does work.