this post was submitted on 28 Apr 2024
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I'm getting pretty old.
Transgender stuff is new and confusing to me.
My only experience with it was in a bar I used to frequent in Los Angeles, though I think they were more transvestite than transgender. Pronouns never came up there. We just used names.
It's easy for me to use any name given when introduced. If you introduce yourself to me with a feminine name when you appear quite male, it's no skin off my teeth.
Pronouns are more difficult simply because of my embedded native language of English dictating gender. While difficult, it's no more inconvenient than to slow myself down, think about what I'm saying, and try to use what's preferred. If I should slip up, then maybe a brief, "oops, sorry about that," is in order.
The hardest thing for me is if I have known you as one name and now I've got to use a new name. This has nothing to do with gender or politics however. It's just how my brain stores things. My sister uses a different first name in adulthood than when we were kids, and I never have been able to adapt. Since my sister is awesome and understands me, she gives me a pass on this.
Bottom line, the linguistics can be difficult for us oldies, but that doesn't give us reason to fear, hate, or persecute.
38 years here. Pronouns based on appearance are pretty solidly baked into my brain.
I'm willing to improve if you're willing to be patient and deal with my fuck ups.
I think (in general) any one should be just allowed to say "oops" in any situation, in any case, however bad it is, to note he/she/(add any extra pronouns) has said/done and gone something that should not have happened or taken place. It's like software crashing of thinking, which happens and will happen more than we would like to.
And yet, in both cases, there is a significant subset of people who don't see it that way. They see it as your personal fault/failure as a human being from not knowing the right pronoun, or that the software crashing is your fault.
If I'm genuinely trying to adapt to something, I've got no time for intolerance toward my errors en route to learning. That's on the other person regardless of makeup or identity.
That's interesting. I'm certainly not young myself (approaching 47), and while I had no problem with remembering the new name for my high school friend who had transitioned in the years between us knowing each other then and getting back in touch, I have so much trouble remembering to call my own (cisgender) daughter by the shortened version of her full name, which she'd prefer. Maybe because my friend also changed her gender and, obviously, her look so it's easier to remember when I talk to her?
Luckily most people are going to be like your sister.
Sometimes people have their own shit going on that might make them "overreact" to your slip ups.
Weirdly you'll see people that trust you more react more strongly but it's not a you problem. They're likely venting against constant micro aggressions in a "safer" space, so try and be forgiving:)
You're right about it taking more work the longer you've known someone the harder it gets... It takes zero time for me to register "they/them" for someone I just met... But I still fuck up with a 20 year friend that switched 5 years ago..
Just remembering it's not about you and as long as you try your best you'll be fine.