DarkDiamondK

joined 1 year ago
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7
Got some curveball thoughts on my mind, and need to get it out (lemmy.world)
 

After my post the other day, I made the decision to tell my ex that I couldn't be friends, not with her, or her family, that it would be too painful for me, that I would always be trying to be more than what it could be.

But today my mom came in throwing some curveballs. She says that my ex still loves me. The only reason I'm not disregarding this is because her and my ex were close. My mom misses her, maybe not as much as i, but like I do.

She says I shouldn't give up just yet, and if friends is all we can be then that's fine, but keeps urging me to take her to hangout. A detail I left out is that, the week prior to her telling me that romance wasn't an option, she rested her head on my shoulder, but I can't tell what she's saying by that. She even continued doing it after she told me no romance. Maybe I misunderstood her in that she meant no romance right now, my head is a mess, I thought writing this out would make it make more sense.

I came here first to write but I'm about to go ask some of my friends, so don't worry about me using Lemmy too much

21
How do you stay just friends? (lemmy.world)
 

I know that what I'm about to say might be just something that's wrong with me, and I understand that, but here goes.

Back at the end of April, I had my first breakup, she broke it off cause I was being stupid (I'm sure if someone wants to know the story, I have it somewhere in my profile) and I went from blaming myself, to being angry, to numb, to now that she talked to me again a few weeks ago, i feel guilty and just generally, I despise myself (but that's a separate issue and I'm trying to get depression medication) She said she wanted to be friends again cause I'm a "really fun person to hang out with" and for a second I was happy.

Fast forward to a week ago while working with her brother while helping a family friend, he invited me over to their place to swim and I accepted, she wasn't there but I was good friends with her family and I wanted to rekindle that, except the whole time I felt guilty and had panic attacks, but I tried my best to hang out.

Yesterday, at our martial arts class, which is where we see each other each week, I asked if she wanted to hang out, she accepted, but also said that there wasn't a chance at romance. I wasn't trying to consider that again right now, and just wanted to be friends again for the moment, but it's been bothering me.

How can I promise myself that I won't feel pain each time we hang out, that I won't try and be more and end up pushing her away again. How do I keep sane when I know I'm going to be an idiot and try to be close to her again, while also knowing I won't get that.

Maybe it's the depression, I can't really decide on what I want, I don't know where to go.

How are you doing Lemmy? in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago

Considering walking across the highway till the breeze stops

Some smut-literature for you in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 month ago

I got to she

Lemmy, how do you deal with heartbreak? in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

I don't even really remember I think, I don't even really feel like I've "dealt" with it. I'll tell some of my experience but I won't go into too much detail.

For us, we were even talking about marriage, but I did something wrong and I felt helpless after the break up, I couldn't do anything, other problems arouse and I even started planning suicide.

I tried talking to other people, some related to the situation and some not, to get perspective on stuff, I even got a new job, but depression hit me hard once I started, so I quit soon after to get that under control which was fine, my financial situation was good enough to do this at the time.

Eventually I just started thinking about what I wanted in a relationship and somehow I stopped blaming myself, but now I have a anger I don't know how to deal with towards her and her family, we see each other once a week during our martial arts class, and it keeps it kinda fresh on my mind but I love the class so I decided it's worth it.

I'm talking to someone else, not really as a potential romantic partner but someone who I can be good friends with and if it goes that way then it's a plus. I didn't have the biggest friend group before and it got even smaller after the break up, so I'm trying to branch out.

I guess that's how I dealt with it, focused on a hobby, and making new friends, making sure I got to talk it out with various people to make sure I didn't get into an echo chamber (which my brain and family would be a major one)

Past 24 hours... in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

My own mother spewed said nonsense to me the day he was convicted, I died a lot inside

124
What's something you've been called in life that isn't generally something bad, but made you feel awful (lemmy.world)
 

For me, growing up, I was around people who saw games as useless and a waste of time, but I loved them

I've always been into computers and tech and was called techy and a gamer and each time, it was said with a sort of disgust from the person saying it.

It made me feel like I shouldn't be friends with the few people like me, and I spent a lot of my childhood staying away from people, and making sure that people didn't learn that I played games

Even now, I get slightly uncomfortable being called a gamer or techy or any synonym even though people don't really think that anymore around here.

Anyone else have something similar?

Anan La Italian BMT in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Ga Ga La Taco

How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship? in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I was considering it before we dated, but with my financial problems and job troubles this break up brought it to my mind again

How long have you gone without being in a romantic relationship? in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago (4 children)

About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.

a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn't want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.

The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.

Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn't want to force her out of the room to do so

So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room

She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.

Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn't deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn't the only thing.

I should've changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.

I'm trying to do other things that make me happy but I'm finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren't available right now and won't be for months. I'm having trouble finding a job, and I'm considering joining the military, but I'm just tired, so so tired.

People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it's getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we've known each other for a long time, and I've known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.

a kiss on the cheek in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Pretty sure it is a living frigate, can't remember when they were added, but I have another that is much more colorful than this one

Spelling wasn't part of the curriculum in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 18 points 4 months ago

Man I can't wait for non-binary nap time

Encouragement for all the shitposters in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Can I still shit?

the future seems bleak in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Holy shit, is that lineage logo? I haven't seen that since I had my nexus 5, god I miss that phone

Anime pfps rise up in c/[email protected]
[–] [email protected] 19 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Damn, this villain arc sounds pretty good

8
Militech Canto Mk. 6 (PL Spoilers) (lemmy.world)
 

Anyone else feeling super underwhelmed by this thing, like it's from the black wall and almost everything cool about it has major downsides.

What I want is a mod that just makes this thing the endgame monster, something crazy like it has all the perks of the cyberdecks in one, plus make the blackwall gateway not take way too long to upload and not as much ram with a greater spread range.

Another idea I had was while in overclock mode, you wouldn't be able to use weapons, but still have your quickhacks, and instead have the mode from the betray reed path when you are hooked up to Songbird, deleting enemies by pointing your hand at them.

This may be super unbalanced and way too powerful and maybe a couple of buffs is all it needs, but what I want is something that I get at the end of the game, and gives so much power fantasy in the last missions, it feels worth it, especially if you do the "don't fear the reaper" ending.

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