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The original was posted on /r/getmotivated by /u/sinist5r on 2023-11-19 19:16:26+00:00.
apologies for the format, i’m on mobile. potential tw, no details and nothing graphic.
to contextualize the rest of my post its necessary to mention that my childhood was psychologically abusive. i underwent a major traumatic event during the first of my teenage years and subsequently i was subjected to more psychological abuse, this included removing me from formal education and forceful isolation for the remaining duration of my teenage years. over time i lost most of my friendships as i wasn’t allowed to leave my house. as you can probably imagine, it did a number on my mental health leaving me with chronic depersonalization and derealization.
however, now in my early twenties, i am in a better place and consider myself to be more stable than i’ve ever been. i did therapy for a few years although, aside from it plateauing, it isn’t in the best interest of my current budget.
after living most of my formative years as a shut-in against my will, i am desperate to move on with my life. my circumstances are similar, not as bad, i have fixed my relationship with my parents but i still spend a lot of time alone. i want to engage the motivation i have but i don’t know how. i don’t know if it’s accountability i need, validation, encouragement, dialogue, i don’t know but sitting on it won’t yield any more of an answer. there is so much i want to do, i want to create but i can’t seem to bring myself to start, i want to study international law but i graduated with a ged due to being forcibly removed from highschool and being a non-american it has derailed my academic trajectory.
i feel like i have no chance of finding my way back on track and securing myself on a sort of upward path, it makes me feel like my life isn’t worth living, i’m not worth knowing and the future isn’t worth pursuing. i really don’t want to amount to the sum of my childhood. i feel like time is running out. my peers have surpassed me. the fear of dying with nothing more to me than what i’ve been through is incapacitating. thanks if you read this far.
if anyone has any tips to soloing motivation, engaging and applying it within the confines of the same four walls you’ve seen since childhood, i’d appreciate hearing from you.