A place to talk about parenting.
Be respectful of others' parenting decisions.
Hi, I'm that kid. I usually see the text, don't want to have to engage in conversation right that second because I'm super-introvert, then forget that I got a message from someone.
Then the longer time goes, the weirder it feels to reply. So I just don't.
My family has gotten used to texting my wife if they need something
Texts are less important than email, and less urgent than a phone call. It's ridiculous to think it's rude not to reply, especially for kids who probably get 5-10 texts an hour.
If something's important enough to you that you want a definite response eventually, send an email. If it requires immediate communication, call. Don't apply false rules of politeness just to get a response out of your kid!
If it requires immediate communication, call.
Oh yeah, and really piss her off.
Is it important enough to risk pissing her off? If not, then why even worry about a reply.
It was a joke. Are you really not aware that kids today use their phones for everything but a phone?
So they want them to do this reminder thing, but don't even want to reply with a simple "thanks" and that is supposed to be acceptable? They get 5 to 10 text an hour? Who cares? "Thanks" takes about 1 second and the person that is helping you (based on your request) would like it - how is that even a question at that point?
Yes, they asked for a reminder, not a conversation. Parents have to choose their battles. Demanding non-standard behaviour in order to do a required parenting thing like helping your child remember stuff is a really stupid hill to die on!
I agree. I raised two sons, and the only thing that kept me sane through their puberty was pragmatism.
I'm not even sure I'd send reminder messages tbh. Learning to deal with the consequences of forgetting stuff is important, better to do it now, while the stakes are low. Imagine her forgetting to pay rent.
They got a phone, they can use the reminder app. If they want the reminder come from a parent for some comfort reason, that should be worth a thanks.
I didn't demand it. I said it's rude not to respond. It's not like I'm punishing her for not doing it.
👍
Maybe she doesn't like you that way?
Bear with me here. Communication comes in many forms now. I'm not even that old (42) and it used to be post-its, face-to-face, a letter in the mail, or an actual call.
Now people have FaceTime, texts, calls, emails, mailed letters, post-its, etc.
People often have a preference in how they communicate with certain people. I generally prefer face-to-face with friends and loved ones, but that's not likely these days. And, as far as I can tell, no one wants a FaceTime session with me.
If something is important, but you're using a "casual" line of communication, either change the line of communication to a different one, or alter that version in a way to make urgent things stand out, like with specific emojis.
One way of figuring this out is with a face-to-face communication with your daughter. Take like 15 minutes max, figure out some alternatives to the current situation, and then fiddle with it as you go along.
Or maybe she has ADHD, and you've got an uphill battle for the remainder of her life. If that's the case, I recommend the channel "How to ADHD".
Good luck!
I read this as a former child and never-to-be parent: Child got tasked with chores, got overwhelmed, forgot some or chose which to deem more important and you disagreed, then both of you had a short, intense conversation about forgetting things where child (kind of) agreed to reminders by you.
Why is the child really forgetting things? Just saying 'probably ADHD' or 'doesn't want to do them' is not enough at all.
Why aren't you teaching the child how to do reminders autonomously?
Why do the reminders need a reply? If the child is unable to do the reminded thing, applying additional pressure by requiring a unique answer won't help. If the reminders are actually trying to confirm pieces of collaborative work, the texts are not reminders at all, because reminders are optional by nature. These semantics are important, because it completely changes the discussion.
I am a parent and I agree with you. There is so much wrong about OP's expectations. You summarized it pretty nicely.
One thing is to actually talk to your kid about managing their own shit. It is not my responsibility. I have enough shit to manage for myself. Oh yeah, you forget things? Feel the pain what it means to forget stuff! You don't know how to make reminders or appointments? Learn it, for God's sake!
I don’t follow. Why, exactly, is it rude for your daughter to not reply?
The situation as I’ve read it seems to be you send your daughter a text along the lines of “take out the trash” because she forgets to take out the trash and she has asked you to send her a text reminding her to take out the trash. If a coworker or my partner told me to take out the trash, I wouldn’t respond, I would do it. It wouldn’t be rude for me to not respond and just do it; that imperative statement doesn’t require a response and it’s strange to me that someone would think it does. There’s nothing about that message that requires me to respond. Inbox Zero applies to texts too.
In a different situation where the text is changed to “take out the trash and give me a 👍 when you do,” the conversation actually requires interaction. Before, it didn’t.
In yet another situation, I’d ask if a lack of response to message is really the problem. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated or you’re losing connection and don’t know how to it express it. Maybe that’s a stretch.
Why, exactly, is it rude for your daughter to not reply?
For the same reason it would be rude not to reply if I said, "please feed the dogs" in person.
Isn’t doing the thing the proper response? The difference here is, in person, I can say “okay” while I am executing the action. With digital communication I have to stop and do something.
Our difference in communication expectations highlights that others do not share your perspective. You’re going to have the most success if you talk to your daughter about communication expectations. She has one set, you have another. Together you need to agree on mutual expectations. Think about what really matters (is it the reminder? Is it the resolution? Is it the acknowledgement?).
Also it sounds like you’re being your daughter’s calendar or planner. There are apps that might remove you from the equation so you don’t have this friction.
She's only 13. She's not good with a calendar. We're working on it.
The important thing is a conversation about communication expectations. You went to the internet to complain about a difference in communication expectations without having that conversation with her first.
If you don’t like the way she handles texts, you can set up a calendar with notifications that function similarly to texts for her since you’re already doing that. That requires zero input on her part, just the app set up on her phone.
It was a minor irritation. I didn't expect anyone to take it so seriously.
I can respect that!
The toxic attitude that every single piece of digital communication requires a response is a serious pet peeve of mine, which is why I did. Extend your attitude to, say, online dating which is probably a reality for someone your daughter’s age. She doesn’t have to respond to everything that comes her way. That’s terrible. Extend your attitude to, say, workplace communication. This is a serious problem that leads to burnout and analysis paralysis. Communication has drastically changed and continuing to teach people “you have to respond to everything” is a conservative belief that does not fit with current attention demands.
Tbh, you're reminding me a lot of my own mother who would demand similar, polite acknowledgement every time she spoke to me, even if it didn't make sense in the moment. But for her, it was more about control than anything else.
I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but that could be how it's making your daughter feel. Maybe check in with her about that? So there's no growing resentment or anything. Wish you both the best!
Not a parent, but I sometimes forget to answer texts myself, so I can definetely understand your daughter. Maybe she read the text while in the middle of something, thinking she can put off replying until she's done with it, just to forget to send the reply.
If an answer is important to you, creating shorthand codes might do the trick. A simple "k", "ty" or "xoxo" could be simple ways your daughter can use to instantly respond before her mind is once again preoccupied by something else. This method is actually how I solved my own forgetfulness when it comes to texting back.
It's not important, it's just annoying. Apparently I'm not alone in this with kids, so I feel better now.
Did you ask her what the reason is? You told her it is rude, what did she say? Is this actually a big deal for you?
She says, "I know, I'm sorry."
It's not a big deal, it's just irritating. I wondered if it was a kid thing these days.
They probably don’t mean to. Reminder texts help a lot. If you have an iPhone you can also just react to your own message to throw another notification at them.
Time to dial the cringe to 100 when you talk to them. Make them respond with a good ol' 'the fuck?'
Haha. I love it.
I just send my kid the same text some time later, depending on importance. 1/2 an hour or an hour later, same text. Another unit of time, same text. It usually doesn't take many to get some type of response.
One does and one doesn't and when he does it's one word.
My chid is too young to have a phone but I'm a career nanny with experience. You've tried the rudeness angle and it isn't sticking, so let me ask some questions:
Do you put a Call to Action in your texts? Something like, "Reply with a 👍 to let me know you received this."? She's still a child so as adults we do still have to do some of the executive load lifting.
When you ask her what the barrier is to her replies, what does she report? Is she falling prey to the, "I'll do it in a minute," thing which never happens because you never do it in a minute? If so, can you mentor her through realizing that such an inclination is a lie and what to do instead?
I am that kid.
I also discovered in the past year that I had ADHD and was on the autistic spectrum (although pretty good at masking social traits).
You saying that she's extremely forgetful definitely makes me think of ADHD symptoms (keep in mind that ADHD in women is often pretty different than the stereotype). From my experience online, it also seems extremely common for people with such neurodivergences to struggle with answering messages (or initiating phone calls).
Personally I see the message, but the way motivation works in ADHD makes the effort of answering feel much bigger than it really is, so I just tell myself that I'll answer later today or tomorrow. Fast forward 2 weeks later, now every time I see the unanswered message I get a small spike of anxiety but now I'm too ashamed to answer as if nothing happened.
Could be interesting to see if she can relate to that feeling, as it could point to some neurodivergences. Might be something else entirely tho.
All the time. All. The. Freaking. Time. 3 teenagers, who will be on their phones non-stop, just ignoring my messages. "I didn't see it".
That's bull!!!! Ik you did!! I've seen you swipe away the notification because it interrupted your TikTok videos!!!
Aaarrrggggghhhhh. Then I remember that it's illegal to strangle your children lol.
Now, I message once, then log into my router and turn off the wifi on their phone/PlayStation.
"Ok, ok dad, I'm doing it now!"
Thank you. I feel seen.