this post was submitted on 13 Feb 2025
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Trans Memes

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Spouse having trouble adjusting [transfem] (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
21 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

She acknowledged that I did talk to her about it beforehand, but hasn't been able to properly process it yet.

We're OK, I'm just venting.

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[–] [email protected] 38 points 6 days ago (4 children)

Cisgenger woman, so please ignore me if this isn't welcome, but I would love to help!

I wash all my bras in the machine, on cold and hang them dry. Putting into a lingerie bag is a personal preference. (I only do it if I'm washing other stuff with zippers) If there are deodorant stains, vinegar is pretty effective. Soak the bra and use either a toothbrush or (I know this sounds crazy) the foam top of a dry-cleaner coat hanger, to scrub off deodorant. Idk why the coat hanger foam works but it's great!

🩡🩷🀍🩷🩡 If anyone reading this doesn't have a person in their life, who they can reach out to for advice about feminine related stuff, feel free to message me. I'm a professional cosplayer and mortician (so a seamstress, SFX makeup artist, wig stylist, all in one), and I'm happy to share any of my knowledge! My friend group is mostly people who loathe and/or changed their assigned gender, so it's a subject close to my heart. 🩡🩷🀍🩷🩡

[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 days ago (1 children)

No questions off the top of my head, but I just wanted to say thank you and that I saved your post!!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 days ago

I'm happy to help!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Yeah I'm trans but I transitioned a decade ago and young enough for my mom to teach me how to girl (ok I was an angsty tomboyish lesbian at the time so I brushed a lot of it off but I did learn to wash a bra)

And yeah, I used to hand wash and if it's got hooks or anything delicate it gets hand washed in the sink and hang dried in the shower. Otherwise it joins literally everything else in the washing machine on cold and delicate and thrown in the dryer.

Has this influenced which bras I buy? Yes. I've definitely developed a high effort high femme style, but that's for high effort time. I'm not putting in that much effort for a bra that's job is literally just to make me professionally presentable at the factory. Which really is proof I'm my mother's daughter.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 days ago

Mine only connect if there's a lot of lacey/delicate things in the wash with them. If you hook them together before they go in, they're less likely to come apart, but once I started throwing them in with shirts, sweaters, pants and PJs, they stopped hooking into other things.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 days ago

Idk why the coat hanger foam works but it’s great!

A wild guess, but I wonder if it's melamine foam? We use blocks of the stuff here to clean all sorts of things around the house. Works great on metal, too!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I also have bra washing suggestions! (I have some executive function issues, so I try to share my tips.)

My partner does what you do, because she doesn't wear any underthings with foam or wires and she hasn't found that method wears them out.

I used to put my bras in the washing machine, but the underwire would always cause some sort of issue. (I also love my underwire bras... They keep everything in place better than without.)

I have this little dish tub I put mine in, and I clean using this soap called "Soak." No scrubbing, I just dump it in there, swirl a little and wait like 15 minutes. I then squeeze out the water (gently!) and hang to dry. It's super easy and helped me keep everything clean and in good condition.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I used to put my bras in the washing machine, but the underwire would always cause some sort of issue.

Put them in a mesh bag and use the delicate cycle! Then lay flat to dry.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 days ago

I Iike bras hanging on the side of the laundry bag so I don't dump them in the machine right away like the rest of the clothes. Do the same with anything else that needs mesh bag. I'm not sorting laundry! Mesh bag makes it easier for me to find what doesn't go in dryer too.

[–] Croquette 11 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I want to ask a genuine question and I am sorry in advance if it comes as rude, this is not my goal.

When coming out to your partner (if you've done it or plan to do it), what were/are your expectations of your partner?

I am asking because I absolutely love my GF (we've been together for 13 years and have kids), but sexuality is a big part of the relationship and if she told me she was trans, I could not be in a relationship with a man. I am simply not sexually attracted to men, and I am a monogamist, and that particular scenario would be a no go for me.

I really want to iterate that I am genuinely interested in hearing your stories, good or bad, if you want to share.

Thanks

[–] [email protected] 16 points 6 days ago (1 children)

No problem. I wondered about the same thing until it turned out I was the trans one :P

There are lots of ways coming out could have gone horribly wrong, but I figured there were three "right" options.

  1. Wife isn't interested in being married to a woman. Fair enough; result is an amicable split, presumably sharing child-raising responsibilities.
  2. Wife not attracted to women but wants to stay together. Continue to cohabit as some kind of non-sexual family unit, possibly seeing other people on the side.
  3. Wife realizes she's bi / willing to make an exception. Lesbian partners!

I guess I was prepared for 1, expecting 2, and hoping for 3. Currently at 2, but it could go either way.

In any event, I think it's unreasonable to expect someone who needs to transition to put it off for the sake of their partner, although not every trans person needs to transition.

[–] Croquette 6 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

When i read stories like that, it feels like women are much more accepting that their husband/boyfriend is trans than the flip side. This is totally unsubstantiated though, so take it for what it is : an uneducated opinion.

I absolutely agree with you that a trans person shouldn't put it off for their partner, but it must feel scary as fuck to come to term with that and telling your partner. It's a big leap and I have nothing but admiration for people being this honest with themselves.

Kudos to you and I wish you the best.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 days ago

Thanks!

I suspect the difficulty some men may have with accepting a trans partner is due to internalized homophobia / toxic masculinity. It's very easy to think "of course I'm not bi / trans / whatever" without ever actually considering the possibility (at least it was in my case). The same can apply to women, of course, but perhaps women culturally face a little less pressure in that respect at least?

And you are exactly right: coming out, even just to myself at first, was scary as fuck. But worth it!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 days ago

Oof, yeah hopefully that was just another growing pain in her changing her view of you. (I sometimes have to catch myself when referring to my sibling. I've known them as their AGAB for over 20 years so it took a little work to get my subconscious to catch up with the new info.)

Best wishes on your transition and living your most authentic life. β™₯️

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 week ago (2 children)

My wife went shopping with me to buy mine. She's been very accepting, almost frightingly so. I love it!

And yes, sports bras can get thrown right in the wash and dryer with no issues. I do mine cold water wash, low heat tumble dry.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 week ago

Honestly, most bras without underwires/forms are fine to toss

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I thought mine was too (and genuinely appears to be trying!) but then she sometimes comes out with comments like this. My poor brain can't handle "I'm mad about X, but I'm going to complain about Y instead which hasn't been a problem up to now". I have enough trouble reading emotions as it is: please just tell me what you're upset about!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 days ago* (last edited 6 days ago) (1 children)

Sounds like she might be having trouble accepting you? I've heard about this with religious spouses, and with heterosexuals whose sexuality just won't support the new relationship. Either way, that is a really tough situation and I'm so sorry πŸ«‚

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 days ago (1 children)

Yes, I think so. She's not religious, but has difficulty talking openly about her feelings (this is something we've dealt with many many times before). It seems she wants to get used to the new state of things, and seems to be trying, but rather than just coming out and saying "hold on, I'm freaking out a bit about this" or whatever, tends to pick on specific things I'm doing at the time instead of the root cause.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

That is hard, when the person refuses to be transparent about their feelings to protect their spouse, but ... it doesn't solve the problem and the repression leads to instability. I'm so sorry. Hopefully you have a good couple's therapist to help. Relationships are hard, even without the stress of transition. πŸ«‚ πŸ«‚ πŸ«‚

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 week ago

I also only can learn from hands on.