Melbourne

So I've been talking a lot about my recent bouts with anxiety which stem from an issue occurring at work. No one probably remembers me posting about this but my boss wanted me to fire someone without following correct fair work process and while i managed to put that fire out other stuff has eventuated because of it which has been cause for my anxiety.

Anyway this morning I woke up to a life preserver from the universe in the form of a hefty tax return that is enough for me to live off for a couple of months if i decide to quit my current role. I've already started applying for jobs and my plan would be to give 2 weeks notice which will give a nice boost to my savings. So I think I'm going to go ahead and quit. Hopefully I will have something lined up in the couple of weeks but if not i'll at least have some savings to dip into.

1 degree Celcius tonight. Geeeeez.

Workplace has been collapsing. Today it felt worst of all. For the first time it's like... Do I want to stay here? Increased work load due to staff reduction. Not being able to service clients well - and they really need it. Today was super busy and and stressful and we also learned were having another department join our floor, I'll no longer have a window seat, and it will be busy and noisy 😞 it just sucks idk.

Yet another rejection email. Fed up and sick of going through arduously long interview processes just to be told that I'm not worth investing in. Phone interviews, video interviews, in-person, psychometric testing, where I want o be in 5 years, I'm over it all.

I want to work, I'm smart, interesting, and quick to learn. But nope. There's always someone else 'better suited to the role'.

Whatever, I'm fucking out. I've been posting heaps today, but I'm so done - I'm off to hibernate and feel very sorry for myself.

Edit: they're fucking call centre jobs, like, I've been doing it for 10 years! I know how to sit in a seat, use a computer, and talk to people! What is wrong with me!!!????

👋

Rest day for me today, so I just did my tummy exercises. Also I missed the bus I was going to catch so I walked 3 stops down. And I saw ducks!

2 images of ducks, one sitting on a fence and one on the mailbox of a block of flats. Ducks are possibly Australian Wood Ducks; grey and brown ducks, one with speckled markings at the neck area, and the other with the same markings extended over the neck and tummy area. They appear to be a pair.

Nothing went right today.

Nagi's chicken and cashew for dinner will make things better.

Sitting in a Denny's in a seemingly dodgy part of Bakersfield getting breakfast food at 11:30pm. Some drunk dudes who promised the waitress they won't fight are showing signs that they might fight.

It's all happening.

Errr… Is this allowed to talk about?

It’s weird that the mushrooms apparently just got scraped off and the kids were fine. Because I read in some book once (fictional, about a cult) where they were making amanita tea. Implying stuff leaches out with moisture.

But then other stuff says the death cap poison is not soluble so maybe it’s just the hallucinogens are or the book was wrong. So they could have removed it and been okay because it didn’t permeate the meal?

I have no idea. My interest in mushrooms is from a botanical standpoint and checking them out as a kid. Going down a research rabbit hole out of curiosity. What info is right

Man I hate catastrophising so much. Current thoughts: 'i'm not going to get a new job' 'the situation at my current job is going to explode' 'i'm going to get fired' 'yes i now have money in savings but it wont be enough' 'nothing good is going to come my way' and so on and on. I'm sorry y'all I feel like such a broken record with my anxiety musings. Even though i've been in similar situations before and it's always worked out, my brain is like 'not this time, pal. this is the one where you're gonna get fucked over'.

I've been reflecting and I've decided that I'm just gonna say less at work in fear of being accused of mansplaining. And I'm not even a man. I just sometimes really like to say stuff.

Those petrol prices are a bit ouch. Ugh let's hope this doesn't spur another interest rate rise.

What happened to all my Built to Spill albums on iTunes? They are all gone. Erased off my whole system. I bought them!! This is why buying digital media sucks.

So, I don't consume a lot of media like films and TV shows. Sometimes I watch YT, but not often.

However, I love celebrity gossip. Don't care if I know them or not, but reading about their shenanigans is the highlight of my day.

Currently, Taryn Manning (Pensatuckey from OITNB) has been losing her mind on meth over the last year or so. That recent video of her has me rolling tbh, like, how many times can you rephrase "i licked your mans butthole" 😂😂

I shouldn't laugh, but I will because fuck me it's funny

Edit: I also messed around with BG3 files as per GOG forums, and I have it installed now!! Hahaha yessss

Suddenly hit by a massive craving for some good old vegan mee goreng the way my mum would make it, with freshly pounded chilli ginger garlic paste, crumbled tofu, mock beef, the best yellow noodles, and heaps of sesame oil.

Was very tempted to get takeaway because I need to stop procrastinating and write down what happened last week and I really feel like I'd rather claw my eyeballs out. But I reckon I could get 3x the amount of meals for the same price. 🤔 plus if I cook tonight I've got extra food for the rest of the week. I've really recovered my cooking mojo since coming off SSRIs and it might be rewarding rather than a drag, so that shall be my reward to keep me going tonight.

Starting the whole "manager" part of my customer service role and I am already so frazzled trying to teach someone how to do my job.

It's head empty time.

Edit: Don't want to make two posts in the span of ten minutes but oh my God. Called my doctors because I needed my referral emailed and the receptionist is like "oh we don't email anymore because Covid's over 🤪" fuck off. I'm sick of able-bodied people thinking that just because we don't have lockdowns anymore that Covid is eradicated. Sure... we don't have lockdowns, but people are still affected by Covid. I most likely have long covid. Like... fuck off seriously. "Covid's over", girl, bye.

I haves other fluffy cat pics this is my cat Casey from Detroit.

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here he is in the snow

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Casey on the window sill. We're 31 stories up.

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HEY @Bottom_racer CAN YOU HEAR THAT? BAH GOD, IT'S...

SOXCAT'S MUSIC!!!

Back by special request, ONE WEEK ONLY!!!

...however she started doing the yowling-peeing thing two nights ago at her own home and she's been furiously rubbing herself on everything here like she's on speed so... I'm going to be prepared for a daily clean and UV sweep again ;_; (her owner finally understands what it's like and was very apologetic and said he'll cover any and all vet checks and took her there just before dropping me off and they took a swab of some kind...)

e: also no mee goreng for tonight because I need to keep an eye on this one.

e2: aaaand 3hrs in and the yowling started and she just did a nice big spray on the side of the TV stand and all the other things... dragging her hindquarters around in a lordosis position almost all the time, insane affection, constantly licking her privates then rolling around like a maniac...

What’s with the eshay hate over at r/melbourne? If you believe what you read there, packs of vicious eshays roam Melbourne, contributing to the downfall of society. They harass strangers, carry weapons, obstruct traffic, and make the city unlivable.

I get out for exercise in Melbourne at all hours of day or night. I occasionally encounter eshays late at night, roaming the streets, speaking loudly in their eshay slang. They’re always pretty friendly, I’ve never had any trouble from them. The most trouble I’ve ever had from eshays is that they play loud Australian hiphop music on trains in Sydney. It’s mildly irritating, but far from the worst thing that I’ve seen.

So where are these dangerous eshays making the city unsafe? Do they only appear at specific times in specific places? Or is this just more, “kids these days,” crap? Or a convenient scapegoat?

These plant pots are tiny and the attached water saucer very shallow. Probably to limit weight when suspended but I really should have checked.

The positive is they so easily fit on the window sill. Maybe both would fit at once. They’ll become the cat grass pots then, so one can always be by the food bowl while the other is on the sill regrowing and getting some sun.

I have this urge to cut everyone off. I deleted Insta so I talk to no one and archived all my chats except with close family. I'll probably redownload it tomorrow, but I need to stop focusing on other people and focus on myself and my degree. I want to graduate end of next year.

Okay so who else is going to be watching the Matildas tomorrow and will you be watching it somewhere special? I've never been to AAMI Park and no idea how these live televised things work in terms of seating and how early to get there and such....

2.5 degrees, feels like 0.9. It's going to be a cold dog walk this morning. Predictions for tomorrow are even chillier. 🥶

Metaphorically it's one of those days where you're walking on the left of the footpath, and everyone refuses to move and tries to barge through you leaving you to feel like you've got the whole thing wrong.

I feel like I've bludged all day

yet I've done 4 loads of washing, cleaned up the front garden , vacuumed, cooked dinner, and cleaned the bathroom

So RE: the mushroom lady. She's now saying she bought them from an Asian grocer. I don't know if she's lying or not, but that causes a lot of concerns in terms of racism and such.

To everyone in the media trying to predict when interest rates will drop. You've got no idea and your predictions will likely be wrong, so STFU.

Got some of the wonderful old gender euphoria back today. I haven't changed perspective or had anything special happen, it was just seeing my reflection in a shop window and seeing my figure looking a lot more feminine. People think trans women just want to look like cis women, but hrt changes us in so many ways and I reject cis normative ideas of what women are supposed to appear like. If I feel more femme I just fucking well am. I've kinda stopped journaling as nothing much different is happening lately so I'm glad today I can mark time again with a note of joy.

Just ate a microwave dinner for the first time in forever because I left my dinner on the bench and, oh golly, the flavour was like everything and nothing and now my mouth has a metallic tang going.

Getting wrecked by what I think is hayfever today for the first time this year. I'm just in my office and sneezing a lot 🤔

Waiting for stuff to arrive. Enrichment in my enclosure.

I ended up buying two Garden Up herb planters because they looked to have that self watering reserve at the bottom, which would cut me a lot of slack with remembering to water.

One big bag of potting mix (really should have bought two smaller ones as I might get injured or not be able to lift it).

The seeds: I wasn’t able to get to the seed library but Bunnings eventually came through.

I’m going for a tiny indoor container vegie garden. Leafy greens apparently need less light than the fruiting or root veg, plus spinach has shallow roots and can be continuously sown and harvested as baby leaves. So I chose Viking spinach (they didn’t let me get Medonia but Viking is still heirloom and heat tolerant. Which is important if still sowing into the warmer months. I can also save the seed if I want.). Being inside isn’t great for light but should protect them a little from bolting?

These may have to live on the windowsill for more light, if the pot is narrow enough to fit, but I got the small round Paris Market carrot seeds for container gardening. Apparently carrots are biennial?? Oops. And have to be left til the next year to set seed?? So instead of doubling them up with spinach as I planned they might need their own pot. Only if I wanted to save the seed though.

And cat grass to easily keep resowing it because I keep killing it and it’s annoying to try and dig it out from outside. Also the visiting black cat hangs out and poops out there (risk of worm or flea larvae).

I should have bought 3 of the pots maybe but am trying to keep things really easy and manageable. There is a way to make self watering pots with huge buckets that could scale down to reused yogurt pots but lazy. It wouldn’t get done.

Mushrooms are also really cool to grow and don’t need light or much room. They would be genuinely safe to eat, being from domesticated varieties and shop bought mycelium. But I can’t really eat too much of them and don’t know if cats digest them well either. (Melbcat likes cooked vegetables.)

Things like mini pumpkins in pots or potted citrus are not practical at the moment. Too much space, too heavy, too much light.

I also thought of making terrariums. Those need so little maintenance. But I would probably have to sterilise the jars and substrates. As well as buying special drainage gravel and potting mix. There is moss outside but no ferns.

Buses delayed by fifteen minutes, and yet we're expected to pay $10 a day for them? Get fucked PTV, all I want to do is get to my damn job and some days it just makes it impossible!

Yesterday I read an interesting thing that made it easier to understand the inner life and relationships of narcissists and sociopaths

"They consider us, all people, as flightless birds.

That's quite profound. When I think of how I think about birds. They can be amusing and pretty, some are annoying, I have no personal attachment what so ever ( unlike with mammals ) I have no qualms cooking them up for dinner.

Up late with a coffee and a smoke (i know, i know)
I sit wondering if life is just a big joke
A passing thought only, it doesn't overstay,-
Into my river all fears are swept away.

I just tried Aldi's frozen Singapore noodles for the first time and I don't know what I just ate but it wasn't Singapore noodles. I give it 1/5 yum yums and that's only because it was hot. Highly do not recommend.