this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2024

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Cat Advice: Rehoming a recent stray? (midwest.social)

submitted 1 month ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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My fiance and I took in a stray female kitten about 3 months ago. She was 2 months old at the time, so 5 months now. She showed up at my fiance's coworker's door and once my partner saw the pictures, she wanted her.

I'm going to be honest and say that I didn't want to take her in. My fiance must have asked over 30 times in 2 weeks. She was in tears pleading before I finally caved. And I regret it. I regret it a lot.

We are not equipped to handle her. We live in a loft style apartment with only one door (to the bathroom). She doesn't have enough space to be a cat, and we're gone an average of 9-10 hours a day for work.

Our cat can be really sweet when she's calm, but that's increasingly rare as she gets more bored with the lack of human companionship. She's even losing interest in her toys and I just don't think this environment is good for her.

Beyond that, I just need space from her. My job is stressful (as is my partner's) and I don't have the mental or physical energy to give this kitten attention, and nowhere to go to get a break. It's reached a point where I dread coming home and I enjoy work more.

This cat is just an unrelenting ball of energy. She's destructive, she doesn't know what boundaries are, etc. And while none of that is her fault, I'm just not ready for it. I have too much on my plate already. I even started therapy just to try to find ways to cope, but I'm frequently the target of our cat's play aggression and none of the therapy exercises help me deal with that.

I am stuck doing most of the cat duties because, despite her repeated assurances, my fiance will not step up and do much to care for her.

But at the same time, I worry about what her life will be like if we send her to a shelter. Where should I even begin? The vet we got her fixed at just said "well, what did you expect? She's a kitten." Which is true, but not very helpful.

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[–] Contextual_Idiot 23 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I'm going to start by saying you need to have a frank discussion with your fiance about who's responsible for the cat. I'm taking a bit of a leap here, but it sounds like this isn't the only problem with communication between you two. Also, and I think you know this, but taking the cat to a shelter will put a wedge between you and your fiance if she isn't fully on board with the idea.

As for the cat, well, she's a kitten. It's what they do. But it won't be forever, she will start to calm down in about another 6 months to a year. The constant need to play will start to disappear and probably turn into the need for lap time. She's a lot of work now, but when she's fully grown she'll be a lot more independent and easier to handle. You might even find she'll become a great companion once the kitten energy wears off.

As she grows and learns how to cat, her instincts are telling her what to do when she encounters prey. And the only way for her to get good is to "practice," unfortunately on you. When she starts, grab one of her toys and dangle it in front of her. If she starts going for it, toss it for her to chase.

A toy I suggest you get for her is a Kong Kickeroo. She'll be able to wrap herself around it (like I assume she tries to do with your hands, arms, legs and feet) and really go to town on it. It's good for her and good for you, since she can burn off her energy without causing you pain. To add to her enjoyment, you can grab the tail of the toy and give it gentle tugs while she's wrapped around it to mimic the toy "struggling" to get free.

I hope some of this will help!

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (1 children)

This is well said and good advice.

One thing stood out to me in OPs post and I want to add one point to that.

She's destructive, she doesn't know what boundaries are, etc.

Well, yes. She's a kitten, a baby. She knows about as much about boundaries than a toddler. She will not learn that on her own, or only up to a certain level. Just like a puppy she needs you to teach her and show her boundaries. Cats might not take orders like dogs do, but they still need guidance and training. If they can't learn from their morhers their human needs to fill this role.

There are lots of recourses, blogs and websites online. Here are a few to get you started.
How to Master the Art of Boundaries with Your Cat
Can You Set Boundaries With Cats?
How To Set Healthy Boundaries For Your Cat
How To House Train And Communicate Better With Your Kitten

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Thank you for these links. I'm looking over them. Hopefully I can implement some and see what happens.

And I'm very aware she wouldn't know better. It's just difficult to get her to recognize boundaries. She always wants to play or get in your business. And I understand. She's curious and I'm a lot more interesting than her toys.

But my issue is that while we're teaching her those boundaries, I have pretty much nowhere to go in the apartment to escape in the meantime. Just like she wants places to hide when she wants to be alone, I need that too. I get home from shouting matches with angry people in my industry to be pounced on for a while. I don't often have it in me to engage. I just want to be alone for a bit to recharge.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I have a cat who, through no fault of her own (every cat from that queen is neurotic), is super neurotic. She suckles blankets, has zero self control, and does naughty things that she knows are naughty. She can’t help herself. I can watch her in real time process the conflict and she still goes for the thing she knows is bad.

It really sucks to have to deal with that sort of energy when you wanted the opposite. (I had a pair of kittens, along with a pair of adults. One of the calm kittens failed to thrive and died the same day as one of my adults so I was a mess, and the only other kitten I could get on short notice was the neurotic “spicy” kitten. The other adult, who was the whole reason I got kittens at all, died unexpectedly a few months later)

But they do learn that their behavior is unwanted with frequent calm reinforcement. Mine are about a year old now, and all I have to say is “hey (name), please stop”, and they both mostly do. The neurotic cat still has self control issues, but I think of her like someone with ADHD, which I can relate to. It’s just hard to do things that don’t satisfy that impulse. But she’s really trying and I can tell.

You’ll probably get to that point too, and it’s super super frustrating for that first year or so until she learns what is and is not ok. But you’ll make it. You’ve absolutely dealt with worse and more frustrating things, if you still can’t stand her when she’s a year old, she’ll still be adoptable young, and it’ll give you time to hash out the issues with your partner so she fully understands your position and the logic behind it.

My method of reinforcement was to gently remove her head from whatever thing, and say “(name), please stop”. I’m still working on the suckling - it’s harder to stop because it’s a comfort action, but she doesn’t attack my hands anymore (that was just not engaging, removing hand, and ignoring for 5 min), doesn’t chew cords or table corners, etc. it takes a ton of reinforcement, but it does work. Cats are scientists, they explore the world by doing things to it and seeing what happens. If the result isn’t great, they stop.

I don’t really have a solution to the space issue, but maybe you can employ your fiancée to distract the cat while you recharge and prepare. It may also help with the attack issue. If she’s not into the toys you have, try getting different ones (wand toys with changeable heads, laser pointers, but you have to end with an attack toy or they feel unfulfilled, heck I have a staircase, and use a mouse on a string to wear out my cats by making them run up to get it then dragging it back down. They burn out very fast that way.)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

One of the things I found useful for occasionally setting boundaries is "time out", ie, shut her in your bathroom for about 5 min when she's really bouncing off the walls. I wouldn't use it as a more than once a day kind of thing, but sometimes communicating "this is too much, we are not playing right now and you can come out once you calm down a little" can reset the mood quite a bit. And it can give you a short breather when you are feeling overwhelmed.

I'd also recommend watching some old "My Cat from Hell" episodes, they have some very specific advice that can help out a ton! Jackson Galaxy is really a cat whisperer, and also talks quite a bit about the relationship between not only the humans and the cat, but also coaching the relationship between people as well. It's important you and your fiancee are on the same page and work together.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Maybe you can start teaching her boundaries, by making one space in your loft off-limits.

Like don't allow her on the bed or on the sofa or whatever is your relax place. Be gentle, firm and consistent and she will lean that she isn't allowed at that exact space. Maybe that can give you a little distance.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I feel your pain, friend. My wife got a kitten back when we were dating and shared a 1 bedroom apartment, and this creature was an absolute menace. Unrelenting energy, didn’t have a chill bone in her body, very destructive, no boundaries. We were both a little afraid of her for a while there. My wife thought about rehoming her many times. By the time she was 2 years old, she was a totally different cat. Sweet, cuddly, lazy, all around a joy to have in the house. We used to worry about what we’d do with this cat if we had kids - we didn’t trust her. Now, we just had our second baby, and I 1000% trust this cat to be a model citizen. She lets the toddler chase her around and pull her tail (she doesn’t like it, but she puts up with it and never bites back).

Here’s the thing: Kittens are insane. It doesn’t matter how much space or attention or toys you give them, they’re insane. Cats, on the other hand, are generally pretty chill. Ours is trained to come when we call her, stay off of the furniture, and beyond that she just kinda hangs out.

If you love this cat and can tough it out for a few years, you very well may end up with a totally different kitty. If not, kittens are a LOT easier to re-home compared to adult cats. Maybe reach out to your local humane society, ASPCA, or other no-kill shelter or rescue. They may even be able to get her listed for adoption while you continue to foster her, and she can go straight from your home to her forever home.

Also, it is 100% okay to crate-train a cat just like you would a dog. I wouldn’t leave her in the crate any more than you need to, but may be worth a try if you need a break when you’re home.

Good luck, and please, don’t forget to pay the cat tax!

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Cat tax:

Yeah, I really wanted to get an adult or senior cat if we were going to get one. I've had limited exposure to caring for cats, and kittens are challenging.

She actually tolerates her carrier, but our apartment doesn't have enough space for a large dog crate so we could put food and water in there with her if she needs it.

I'm going to mull over whether or not I can hang on that long. I'm not optimistic considering how tough 3 months was. That said, we're going to make sure she goes to a good home no matter what. She's a good cat and someone with more experience and a better environment would no doubt love her.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

Aww she’s a cutie.

Regarding the crate, usual practice is that they wouldn’t have food/water in there. They’re supposed to go in there and sleep. Granted, you shouldn’t leave her in there all day while you’re at work without food and water and a litter box, but a few hours in the evenings is fine.

If you do want a larger crate, there are some dog crates that double as furniture. I’ve seen a few that are coffee tables / dog crates. For our kitten, we just had her in her carrier in a corner when she (or we) needed a few hours of timeout. We’d put a lightweight breathable blanket over the top to make it dark and cozy in there.

In any case, I applaud your commitment to making sure she ends up in a good home, whether it’s yours or another.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

You need a bigger apartment and a second kitten. Problems solved.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago (1 children)

There's a lot in here (implied or otherwise) re:relationship that just screams 'you are not happy'. cat aside, I would sit down and think about that.

As for the kitten. They really aren't as hands-on as you make them sound. Have you ever had a cat before? Cat's are one of, if not the most independent pets you can get. Provide food/water, and keep their waste area clean is pretty much all you need to do. That said there are things you can do that will improve the quality of life for both you and the cat:

Give it high places to hang out. You can buy or make your own Cat stands that have platforms way up high for them to perch, and also make good scratching posts. Put one next to a large window (preferably one that gets lots of sun) and you'll know where the cat is 80% of the day. Advanced setups where the cat has walkways around the entire house above head level will make the cat very happy, but this is a bit much for beginners.
Provide it with warm spots. At least a mat where sun through a window shines (or that aforementioned carpeted stand)
Spend time with the cat whenever it is willing AND you are able. Give the cat space when it isn't interested in you, and set the cat aside when it is and you are busy. My favourite toy to play with cats is a laser pointer but, this is very important, you need to let the cat 'win' at the end or you will cause mental distress. End the play session with the cat pouncing on the laser dot on a treat so it thinks it has caught prey.
A packet of catnip toys (eg: little mice), more so when the cat is an adult will help to keep it entertained. I've heard they love balls of yarn but have never given one to my cats before.

If the kitten harasses you as much as you claim this might indicate the kitten is insecure due to being separated from its mother too early. The only thing I can suggest for this is that you and your fiance reward it (with a very short pet session or treat) when it is calm and comfy somewhere not bothering you. See the cat snuggled on the couch minding its own business? Take the time to give it a quick pat on the head and a soft 'good kitty' every once and a while. This will help teach it boundaries and 'independence'.

If it is still adamant it needs to spend time with you while you're working at the computer, teach it to climb on your shoulder or sit on your lap (maybe get a pillow for it to lay on while you work).

In the end, you sound stressed. Let me just say that once you bond there are few things more stress relieving than a cat nuzzling into your neck with a roaring purr in your ear. Cat purring has even been show to decrease injury recovery time even!

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

On the relationship front: probably not the place for it, but other than the cat situation, things are very good. I think we're both too stubborn for our own good sometimes, and that's part of what happened here.

I've never been a primary caretaker for a cat, so my experience is limited. That was a big part of why I was worried about getting a kitten. I've only been around adult cats, and most of them are chill.

Our apartment explicitly forbids the kind of advanced catifying I see online. She has scratching posts with perches, several repurposed cardboard boxes, and a bed we made out of a box and blankets. She uses all of them, and we made sure they were connected to give her an improvised play area/home base. I hope it's enough, or at least a start.

She was separated young, I believe. She was a stray at 8 weeks old, and was possibly separated several days before being found. I don't doubt that's playing a role. She's very needy. I mean, when she isn't being hyper, she demands pets for 45 minutes or more at a time, and she'll nip your hands if you don't provide them. She used to jump on my face to wake me up at night for more attention. Only me though, not my partner.

I'm going to talk to my therapist next month before I consider all my options. It's just been a struggle lately. It's like having an autodestructive toddler with claws.