this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2023

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My experience and learning about my childfree decision over 35 years (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Hi folks, I thought I'd create some content and share some experience and learning around any concerns I had about being childfree in my first 10 years after my tubal. I hope this can help those that are at this stage now.

I will say that 35 years after my tubal, I realized in retrospect, somewhere during that time, that I knew in my teens I didn't want kids. I did go through a period, soon after my tubal at 24, of about 10 years where a lot of my friends tried to pressure me into either spending a ton of time with their kids or even adopt, where I wondered if I really wanted kids cuz I liked babies under 6 months of age. It wasn't until I got close to someone and her newborn, where I spent plenty of time with her kid over the next 3 years and she was TOTALLY accepting of my decision and NEVER pushed an agenda. I finally realized I truly lost interest in the kid after about 6 months of age and knew I wasn't interested, not because I was pushing back against acquaintances who were pushing their own agenda in opposition to mine, but because I JUST LOST INTEREST. It took a good, secure in their parenthood, friend to let me understand there was zero interest on my part.

As it turns out what I like about babies was the oxytocin hit from carrying them around, which I learned I could get from cats and small dogs, of which I have 2 now, and they stay small forever instead of just 6 months!

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Funny thing about oxytocin, it's directly responsible for a great deal of human atrocity.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3029708/

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Wow! Interesting. Also makes sense in the context of fostering the evolutionary adapted benefit of the mother forming an 'in group' bond with her baby.

[–] pale_tony 19 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I’m glad you met someone who was supportive of your life choices. I do the same for anyone who is on the fence. It’s an extremely personal choice and no one should be lauded or derided for either decision.

I have kids. Love ‘‘em to death. But, damn, not everyone needs to be a parent. My wife and I would’ve been fine not having kids. It just turned out to be something we both wanted.

It’s a shame that other parents try and pressure others into a life changing decision. Be you and be happy!

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

I think if you have something that you really enjoy and think is amazing it's sometimes hard to see how that might not be for everyone.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Right? I've met a few folks over the years when I was of child bearing where they didn't push any agendas and it's always refreshing.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thanks for sharing your story! In the spirit of creating content, I have a similarly opposite story.

I was raised Mormon, for those that don’t know, having a large family is a given. In my early 20’s I left all religion behind and began to create a life I wanted rather than one expected. I was a mess trying to establish my own morals, values, and goals.

At the same time of all this, I started dating a girl who had left Mormonism many years earlier. She was also childfree. Living with her, she provided the best environment for me to discover the life I wanted. She was my rock when I had no one else, literally. She was patient, understanding, and provided a much needed perspective from having a similar history. We dated for several years as I slowly deprogrammed and came into my own.

Coming back to the point of all this- a big struggle was trying to figure out whether I wanted kids, I was programmed to want kids, or didn’t want kids at all. This is a life changing decision after all. In the end, I realized I wanted kids because I wanted kids. The girl I was dating was supportive but with our incompatible lifestyles, we parted ways and remain good friends.

As for today, I married someone else (who also escaped Mormonism!) and have 3 kids. Because of the support I had, I now have the confidence to trust in myself and a healthy foundation to further understand myself as life changes.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago

This does my heart good to hear about supportive loving judgement free people out there!

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I have family and friends with kids. I would never go through that anguish day by day. I love peace of mind and naps, and will probably save millions. It is selfish to create wage slaves for rich capitalist

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

i want tl have kids i just cant raise them with a gpod heart under these conditions.

in the past week ive ate two apples a slice of bred and a orange oh and two 2 liters of soda that i got for free. that is all i was able to afford afted working and paying bills

i barely can afford to exist. the capitalist mindet ground in my head just tells me to work more

but i am a cripple and barely can walk

and have to work manual labor

itll get better hopefully 😂😬😅😁😔

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

Thank you for sharing your story! I have known i did not want kids since I was 14. I am 44 now and I don't regret it at all. My mom left me with my sister when she was a baby and I hated it. I didn't hate my sister I just was not and am still not comfortable with babies.I am the opposite as I do not and never did get that oxytocin feeling from babies. I am okay with toddlers and am much better with older kids but babies are a no go for me.

Either way, I can barely look after myself, I don't need to bring another being into this world to suffer along side me. I respect and am happy for the people in my life that have started families but also confident and happy with my choice not too.

I am glad that people are becoming more accepting of peoples choices in this matter as I was really getting tired of the oh you will change your mind when you are older speech. I'm older now, still haven't changed my mind.

Enjoy you pets! They need loving homes too!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Thanks for sharing. It's nice having family with kids because you can visit but at yhe end of the day, go home to a nice and quiet house!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Thank you for sharing this!

[+] LizardKing -19 points 1 year ago (5 children)

A childless person saying "I can get the same hit from cats and small dogs" is like a cis man saying "I can get the same experience as childbirth by performing a large bowel movement".

But most men never want to experience childbirth, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. Just like there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. But pets absolutely cannot replicate actual children, just like a bowel movement can never replicate the experience of childbirth.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The original poster was talking about their own experience, not anyone else's.

[+] LizardKing -12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Okay and my great uncle Fred took a dump that he insists was as difficult to pass as a human child. Since he's talking about his experiences, not anyone else's, he must be right, right? By your logic my uncle Fred genuinely knows what childbirth feels like, correct?

Or does the fact that he has never experienced childbirth exclude him from making such comparisons?

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

OP is saying that in their experience, holding a baby gives them the same hit of oxytocin as holding a cat or dog. OP has experienced holding both babies and cats and dogs. OP is talking about experiences that they have had. Your uncles was talking about taking a shit, an experience that he had, and giving birth, an experience that he has not had. That is the difference. OP is allowed to talk about their experiences. They're not talking about other people's experiences with children or claiming that their individual experiences are universal.

[+] LizardKing -7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

Holding someone else's child is completely different from holding your own child that you created and gave life to. OP has never held their own child, and therefore cannot possibly say that pet ownership gives them the same satisfaction.

Op is talking about holding their pet, an experience they have had, and holding their child, an experience they have not had. Therefore they absolutely cannot try to compare the two.

All OP can say is that having pets gives them the same enjoyment as holding someone else's baby, which is most likely absolutely true. But that's not what was said. They tried to equate pet ownership to bringing and nurturing a life into this world and I'm sorry but that's fucking ridiculous, period.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If someone feels the same about children and animals, and then decides to not become a parent as a result, that is a responsible choice. Not all parents like their children. Some parents develop a special bond but not all. Better for a person to have a few pets than create a human being they may end up losing interest in after a few months.

[–] LizardKing -3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I agree with every word of that, except the first line. My point is that OP cannot possibly know if owning pets will provide them the same satisfaction as having children because they've never had children.

No one here is actually disputing what I actually said, because what I actually said is correct. I made a statement, and everyone threw their strawman arguments at me.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

And you can't possibly know how amazing it is to be without children then. Also you sound like someone who thinks forcing a lesbian to be with a man would correct her because she doesn't know what she's missing.

[–] LizardKing -3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm sorry did you mistype? I can't know what it's like to not have children? Everyone knows what it's like to not have children, no one is brought into this world already having children. What the fuck are you even trying to say?

And your sexuality comparison is stupid because sexuality is something you're born with, and you can try the other side without permanently changing yourself, unlike parenthood.

Everything you said is objectively wrong.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

If you're saying parenthood doesn't change you permanently, you're deluded.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

So you're saying an adoptive parent will never get the oxytocin experience that a biological parent would? How about my colleague of 7 years that had a surrogate give birth to her twins created by fertilization of her egg with her husband's sperm. She had hemolytic anemia during her first pregnancy and almost died, so she couldn't safely get pregnant again. Would she not get the oxytocin experience as well? She couldn't breast feed but could bottle feed and do everything else.

And then there's me raising my 3 youngest sisters from birth (less so with the eldest of the 3 that is 7 years younger than me, and 100% so with the youngest of the 3 that is 11 years younger than me). The babies (especially the youngest) slept in my bedroom while my mother slept on another floor of the house (narcissist mother with mental health issues). I was the one up in the middle of the night changing their diapers and feeding them. Do I not get that oxy hit bottle feeding my younger sisters, exhausted as an 11 year old changing diapers and rocking a crying baby to sleep at 3:30am, and experiencing the blissful joy of a sleeping baby that had just woken me up at a very dark hour? I got REALLY REALLY good at getting my younger sibs to go down for a nap to get some peace.

[–] LizardKing 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Another strawman argument. I never said anything about biology. Adoptive parents are still parents. Your siblings are still your siblings.

It's still different than a child someone considers as "not theirs".

And btw you were a child, you weren't ready for that kind of responsibility and shouldn't have had to do those things, and I'm genuinely sorry that you had to experience that, and I'm glad your siblings had someone in their life to look out for them. I'm sure that made all the difference to them.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This 2 things are not remotely comparable. That's called a false equivalency

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

They don't want to "replicate actual children". That much should have been pretty obvious. They want the good parts of affection without the lifelong implications.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Nah dude. If I had to be pregnant and have to handle a kid I'd resent them. I would understand that the chemicals that cause parents to have to care about their kids are just that, chemicals. They aren't some magical feeling that comes out of nowhere. It's an evolutionary trait to continue a species. I do not accept my role as simply biological. I refuse to be just another person doing something because of chemicals and biology.

[–] LizardKing -1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

"I refuse to be just another person doing something because of chemicals and biology."

Then I've got some bad new for you. Everything you do is because of chemicals and biology. You felt the need to post this dumbass comment because of chemicals and biology. Everything that you have ever done and ever will do are because of chemicals in your brain telling you to do things. You will never outsmart these chemicals because you are these chemicals.

For all intents and purposes, they are magical feelings that come out of nowhere and make you feel happy and patient and full of love for your child.

Something which you clearly don't understand at all, which only serves to further prove my original point, so I guess thank you?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Can you explain briefly what's your problem with people who doesn't want kids?

[–] [email protected] -3 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Agreed. OP can just say, "Having kids isn't for me." And that's cool, we accept that. It sounds a bit like trying to justify the choice to themselves or at the very least help other be ok with the decision to not have kids. The pet analogy is over simplified. One thing I will say is that having kids of your own vs being around someone else's is very different. Being there through the grow and maturity into a functional human is the reward and frankyly it goes super fast. It felt like.yeaterday I was holding my kids as newborns and now they are in high school. The journey is the experience .To each their own on their choices.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Excuse me sir or ma'am, you are in the childfree community about being childfree. If you would like to participate in parenting conversations or discuss how great kids are, I'm sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.

[–] LizardKing -2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Friend, this is a forum website designed for discussion and interaction. If you want an echo chamber, I'm sure there are places dedicated to that, but this is not it.

Start your own private instance, only allow specific people in, close that shit up tight if you want.

This is not that place.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Communities have intended topics. Just because you oppose being childfree doesn't mean it's OK to enter a community for trolling.