Relationships

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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/ThrowRAy1410 on 2024-01-24 11:51:32+00:00.

Just looking for advice as I feel I've massively screwed up.

****TL;DR;**** I messed up and now realise all the mistakes I made while we were together, I want to work on these and prove to him I will do better.

Throwaway account and a couple details changed as he has reddit. Me and my partner have been together a while, we live together. Recently we separated and I know it's my fault. I have a lot of past trauma that I've been trying to work on for the past couple of years. The majority of my relationships have been unhealthy and that's lead my good qualities to fade.

After my last relationship I was single for 3 years, in that time I realised what I wanted in a relationship. In those 3 years I had tried to talk to people but I could never catch feelings for them, it wasn't what I wanted.

Fast forward I met my partner, it was an instant connection, we laugh together, we support and show love and kindness in all areas. Our relationship has been incredible and I'm so happy to have him in my life. We love each others families and that's a huge deal to me. Things have been difficult recently. Due to my past issues I had trouble with certain things, I now realise how much I screwed up and want to be able to fix it. So here's some things I have realised.

1. I was cheated on in the past, this led me to believe I wasn't good enough, I was always scared that if my partner went out drinking, he would end up cheating on me. I have always had trust and faith in him and knew he never would. It was just a horrible thought that lurked and so sometimes I wasn't completely comfortable on him seeing them, this has led to him feeling like he's neglected them.

2. He feels as though he's neglected his family, I blame myself for this also as I don't feel I put as much effort in as I should have. I again love his family and enjoy their company, he has a new niece whom I adore.

3. My communication sucks, I grew up in a household that was always arguing and slamming doors, speaking to each other in a vile manor. As I grew up I think this impacted me as I thought this was normal, I know it definitely isn't. Any arguments me and my partner had would upset me to the point I would yell and I feel so ashamed of that. My family has never been good with apologies or showing love but that's the person I want to be.

4. I don't take others opinions into account as much as I should. My partner always wanted to watch certain things with me but because I didn't want to, we wouldn't and that was so selfish of me. I love doing things that he likes. When we got together he wanted to get me into Pokémon and I downloaded it for him, so we could play together. I really enjoyed that.

5. I didn't respect his religion. I'm not religious in any manner, believing in anything is difficult for me, even though I would like to. Hs family is religious and it's important to them, we spoke about marriage and I was adamant I wouldn't have a wedding involving his beliefs. This was horrible of me and now looking back I know I didn't take his feelings into account. In my mind weddings aren't all that important to men but I now realise It's a day for us. For us to celebrate all parts of each other and I'd love nothing more than to make that compromise for something he believes in.

6. I put myself down too much. I don't exactly like what I see in the mirror but then again I don't think a lot of people do. After having a hard talk with myself, I know I'm enough. I know my past isn't who I am anymore and I'm not going to let that take over.

7. I push people away. I pushed him away many times, if I was upset I never wanted to burden him with that. I would try to push him away while what I actually wanted was for him to stay. Like in arguments in the past I've said "I'm leaving the house". When in actual fact I wanted to stay, I wanted to apologise and fix it.

It shouldn't of taken losing him to realise all the mistakes I have made and think I started to understand a month or two ago, I want to have faith it's not too late. I have never felt this way about anyone, he's everything I've wanted and will want. We have a great relationship all bad times aside. I know I horrifically fucked up and should of noticed my problems earlier, but now I feel as though I'm in a place where I do understand how I hurt him and can do better. I don't want the life I had as a child, I don't want heated arguments, I want a loving home. I'm mature enough now to admit when I'm wrong. I understand how to better myself. We have been in our own little bubble and I understand now the importance of breaking out that bubble and doing things we enjoy together, on our own or with others.

This is a love I don't want to give up, I knew from very early on that he's the one. I've been trying to put the effort in since the break to show him I'm changing for the better. We've had heavy conversations in the past but always got through it, I think that led to me not putting in enough effort on myself. I didn't think it would end so didn't take those steps to better myself, but now all I can do is hope it isn't too late. I know how to improve, I know I need to take accountability for my actions. I guess I just want advice on how I can get this back.