this post was submitted on 17 Jan 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.

So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out "maintenance" very faintly from the other side of the door.

I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf's way in a "is this guy for real?" look.

Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was "glad I was there".

I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn't aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.

Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn't handle that correctly. She said her dad would've been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must've been asking her to protect me.

Despite us discussing a proposal now that we're 2 years in, she let me know she doesn't think I should "this year, but that she may change her mind".

I'm honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?

It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake--that I honestly think I handled fine--and she's putting our plans on ice.

She's been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it's a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she'll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.

What do y'all think? How big of a mess am I in?

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

We don't know your relationship and you have to decide what is a red flag or not at the end of the day.

But don't ignore what you're worried might be a red flag.

From another perspective that maintenance guy might have saved you a painful marriage.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Check if she had bpd. Borderline personality disorder.

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Unfortuently theres so much nuance to a relationship, this small snippit couldn't possibly give anyone a clear view.

So far I have: Sounds like her mood swings are awful and it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation. And I would be unhappy with her for that specific situation...

But I have zero idea about the rest of your relationship nor would it be easy for you to tell me. 🤔

I'm used to mood swings in my relationship too, but not that extreme. I say as long as you feel like can still trust her you're alright.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago (6 children)

Have you considered couples counseling?

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

Sounds like she's just finding excuses and this will only escalate. Today she's trying to emasculate you, tomorrow...? Find someone that loves you for you.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

Tell her that the incident with the maintenance guy has made you consider her safety in a new way. Go on to say that because of that you will be buying a gun. Go over your new procedure for unexpected visitors which includes her designated hiding spot inside of a 1/2" AR500 box and establishing a defensive position which covers all angles of attack. You will be conducting perimeter sweeps every 15 minutes while she sleeps and every 30 minutes when she is awake. You will start working out every day until you can bench 300 pounds and crush a coconut in any joint.

Or maybe talk to her about what happened and explain your concerns in regards to what she said and have a calm adult conversation where you both can come to an understanding of each other's perspective and expectations which you can then determine what improvements to the relationship can be made.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago

She wants out, and is using this as an excuse to drive a wedge.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Currently reading Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine MD & Rachel S.F. Healer MA. I would highly recommend buying the book and both of you reading it. Not because of your post I just think everyone can benefit and become more competent partners through the fundamentals laid out in the book.

Your partner sounds like she is displaying deactivating strategies that avoidant attachment styles use to keep relationships from becoming uncomfortably intimate (for them). This could be a recurring issue that manifests in different deactivating strategies throughout your relationship, which is why it might be a good idea for you to read the book together. I'm an avoidant attachment myself, and I have a completely different view of my interactions with my wife now, much less of me viewing her behaviors as positive or negative but more so just empathizing with why she is behaving one way or another.

Lastly forgiveness is just part of being in a long term relationship. You asked if if you should forgive her in the first place, are you expecting to have a relationship with an ideal someone you won't have to forgive?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for the advice. I just got off work so I'm only now able to read these. I'm going to check this book out. It sounds like, if nothing else, it'll give me another perspective on what's going on.

I expect forgiveness to be part of my relationships, I just don't know if I can forgive this. I think my ability to forgive has limits, and this incident is severe enough, in my mind, to test those limits. Forgiveness increasingly feels like a one way street for her and I. I forgive her, but she's selective with what she'll forgive and move past. It wasn't always this way. It's changed in the past 3-4 months, though.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

It absolutely has to be a two way street. You should have limits and you should be clear with her what they are. Whatever happens I hope the best for the both of you!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

That seems odd to me. I'm in a loving relationship around the same length, and neither of us would have approached it any differently than you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

Hey, from one married person. This behavior probably won't change. Should ask yourself if "This is it?". Not saying to leave just saying to consider if your can handle the ups and downs. Best of luck.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Ask her if you should get a shotgun and point it at the door anytime you hear human life on the other side. Hopefully at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do, and you can both move on.

Also, depending on how much she harps on this, definitely a red flag.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 months ago

at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do

While you're technically right, I'm afraid things don't work that way. Pushing people into a corner can have the paradoxic opposite result of strengthening their position, even if it is "clearly" wrong.

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