This hit me like a week ago. I straight up panicked. I still kinda am. I don't know what to do. I'm fucking terrified. How do you learn how to be a girl in your forties? I don't even know how to do makeup, every time I tried it looked like shit.
I thought I was a femboy. A kinky weird femboy with a supportive girlfriend that didn't mind the occasional dressing up. This is probably way too much for her. I think it's too much for me. But now that I know this I can't not know it. It's like my subconscious just came out of nowhere and was like, "Hey you know that quirky thing about you? Well it turns out that's entirely you, and you're miserable trying to deny it. By the way everything in your experience tells you that people will hate you for it, and the state is actively trying to harm people like you. Also crazy people will probably want to kill you about it Byeeeeeeee!"
What do?
Edit: Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments. All this is still big and scary right now, but I feel a little better about where I am now, and the first few steps. This is a good community here.
I wish more people in my life understood that. Like, most do and are supportive, but the ones who don't...
I could pretend it wasn't true, but I can't un-know this about myself, and so however it looks from the outside, my life will never quite be what it was before. It's like I've learned an Eldritch secret about the world: nothing has changed, but somehow everything is different.
Thanks for this.
Unfortunately, in order to succeed in distancing myself from them, I have also had to increase my distance from a bunch of my family that are supportive. My family is really connected, and one of the two main offenders is my dad, so making more distance with him means going to fewer family get togethers.
And the other main person is my wife and my daughter's other mom, and that's another relationship where adding distance is difficult to impossible...