this post was submitted on 04 Jul 2023
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Things I hate about my wife
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I'm sorry you're going through this - from what you've said, you might really get some benefit from reading this book - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626252467 - it helped me a ton, and helped me figure out how to start making things better for both of us.
Thank you, I'll read that.
Awesome! I hope it helps. If your wife has OCD (and it sounds like she might to me - as the book talks about it isn't really much like what most people associate with OCD), it can be really easy to slowly feel more and more "trapped" or ensnared, your username is actually what motivated me to link it, I felt like I was getting more and more trapped. The book does a really good job I think of being empathetic both to the person suffering from the OCD but also to every other person that has to live with the person with it. It emphasizes doing what's best for yourself first, which I think is important - it gave me the logic behind when not to give in to their compulsions, and when and how to start pushing back (while still being supportive and trying to help them). It was amazing to me how many things I did to try and make things better, things I felt were the "logical" way to help, were actually making things snowball into worse and worse.
But, if the person isn't willing to try changing, or you just really don't have the desire to fight the fight anymore, there is nothing wrong with freeing yourself from a bad situation. I realize from another post you have a daughter, and I can see where that might trap you, but, if that's where you're at, you can't pour from an empty cup, do what's best for you first and then see how you can help your daughter.
Also... if you read the first chapter of the book, and think "nope, my wife doesn't have OCD, I'd recommend giving this other book a look - https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901 - BPD and OCD can be co-occurring, or have a lot of similarities. Though, while the OCD book is something you could have your wife read with you (if she was willing), the Stop Walking on Eggshells is very adamant about not being read by the person with BPD. It's been a while since I read it but I think it even recommends that you not even let them know you're reading it.
I'm wishing you the best, I feel like I've felt what you're feeling and made my way to the other side, I hope everything works out for you.
Edit: Noticed there was a newer edition of the second book, this is the latest version https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality-dp-1974811638/dp/1974811638/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
Thank you for the perspective. Truly appreciate it. I actually didn't expect this community to even get any views or comments. Just made this to vent out and sort of keep a record of things, to remind myself if I forget. I'm astonished you picked up on the username and gave me advice.
My wife is not the willing to change anything type, and she doesn't even agree with naming things (ocd, adhd, etc.) Doesn't believe in them. Thinks doctors just label normal behavior to make money. I have an undiagnosed adhd (I think, another thing she makes fun of me for) that makes things harder to handle. I can get extremely depressed one minute thinking about all this, and then might distract myself with something else and feel normal again the next minute. Along with my daughter, my life is even more complicated by me being here on a visa. If I decide to 'free myself', I would have to do it back at my country, and my daughter can't stay here anymore on my visa (she'll probably get custody because of how young my daughter is), so I'll either have to pack everything up and rebuild my life from scratch in my country, or resign to seeing my daughter only once a year.
I have found that stoicism helped me a lot. I used to feel suicidal after a big fight, but these days I kind of take it as a fact of life that I can't change.
I'll read the two books you linked. Hope they give me some ways to turn my life around instead of just being able to cope with it without killing myself.
I'm really sorry, that's a wrinkle I'd never even thought of, (being on a visa). I can't imagine how difficult/stressful that must be. I'm not an expert by any means, my knowledge is really just limited to what's in those two books, but, from what I understand your wife not believing in them isn't that uncommon for people with either disorder - luckily I think both books suggest that doesn't mean there's no hope. I however was lucky, my spouse has been willing to work on it, and I have to believe it would have been so much harder if she had been one to dismiss them, I'm so sorry that you have to go through that.
It's awesome that stoicism has helped, at least you seem to have it in you to adapt to what sounds like a really bad situation, I hope that continues to serve you well. If you ever want someone to vent to, feel free to send me a message - I know personally I felt like there was no one I could vent to that would get it and that was miserable.
I've started listening to your recommendation on eggshells, and it's so far bang on. I'm hoping to hear some solutions down the line. Thank you for that book.