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my dream is to know what i'm good at and to know what would make me happy. i thought i wanted to be an artist, but i realized i hate doing art. i like imagining but i hate the phyiscal task of moving a pencil or stylus on a surface trying to imperfectly capture some curve or line or shape in an imagined image its just not fun, even when i am successful i feel relieved that i can do something else more than exhilarated or satisfied. i thought i wanted to be an athlete since i was like 18, i became obsessed with parkour, but i realized i would never compete with people that started when they were 7, while i was playing videogames, watching cartoons, and drinking far too much soda. doing physical activity never felt as good as people say, i don't understand how people can exercise while wearing clothes, its like intentionally sleeping with a wet blanket. don't even get me started on underwear. and every time i've tried getting into running (even just like 10 minutes a day) i hurt my ankles, somehow they always get painful and sore in the ankle or tendons or something for like several weeks. i didn't have insurance until recently to even go to a doctor for it. now its almost all i can do to do 10 burpees (squat/pushup combo) a day. before that i wanted to join the army like my dad, but then i learned a modicum of real history and couldn't go through with it (or is that just what i tell myself because i know i wouldn't have succeeded? i'm probably autistic, suck at physical activities, and havent even been able to keep a basic job. maybe in a different kind of country i could have done it). i'm basically a repressed adrenaline junkie thats not competent enough to satisfy those urges, pretending to be a normal failperson. i feel like i'm trapped in the wrong kind of person and world to be who i want to be.