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this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2023
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[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation
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That's not monogamy, that's a delusion.
Monogamy is "one partner at a given time".
Even then it seems illogical to me tbh (internally inconsistent?), but at least it's less rigid
How so?
If you date someone in Highschool, and then date someone in college after the highschool relationship ended how are you not monogamous?
Oh the definition is fine, I just mean that it seems illogical to adhere to it dogmatically.
Like, ok I'll try to come up with the best summation but bear with me lol. Basically, let's say you're with your current partner. You've been into other people in the past. So, logically, you'll probably be into other people - at some level - in the future, right? That seems like a natural development to me.
So if it's natural, why should we have the little fine print on all of our relationships that reads "If you're into other people this contract is null and void?"
Am I making sense? Lol. Like I just mean that it's natural to be attracted, in some way, to more than one person so why do we default to holding ourselves and our partners to the unnatural? In that way, I'm monogamous with one person at a time seems logically inconsistent to me. It accepts the existence of plurality of attraction, yet denies its engagement
How do you define "being into them"? Looking and finding them attractive, or fucking them without your partner knowing?
Being into them is being attracted to them which, on an instinctual level, is wanting to fuck them
Edit: simplified, obviously, you can be attracted to someone in a more emotional way but some would argue that's still wanting to partner with them in some way
I think that's more of an age thing. Im nearly 40 and in a damn near perfect marriage for 15 years now.
We have friends that we absolutely find attractive. Frankly speaking, we all take care of ourselves and it shows.
Im not looking to bang any of them, and my wife isnt either (granted, as she says, but we have a very strong relationship). We're happy being friends, being comfortable going to the beach, hitting the gym together, etc. We're all very happy in our monogamous relationships (minus one couple, because he fucked around and is now in the 'finding out' stage). Life isnt porn?
It sounds like you're more grappling with maturity, and maybe a bit of heartbreak.
I'm confused. Are you saying people who are monogamous aren't allowed to be attracted to other people by your definition? Or are you saying why are people choosing to be monogamous over having multiple partners at the same time?
So what? As you say, is instinctual. As long as you're not drooling and you don't act on it, it's not a problem. And any person demanding otherwise is toxic and not worthy of your time.
Why are you saying so what? You asked a question and I answered
Not really. You pretty much dodged the question.
If I say I'm monogamous, when do you start calling me a liar?
When you say "so and so is hot!" and I don't argue?
When I say "so and so is hot!"?
When I bang so and so without breaking up with my current partner?
I've read this entire thread, and I'm still not entirely sure where you'd draw that line.
Have you heard of people that are asexual, or sapiosexual?
Beyond that, you have to understand that it's very easy to twist numbers in a manipulative way.
For example, it's not 97% of people everywhere don't wait for marriage.
It's 97% of the people who answered whatever survey you're referring to don't wait.
Where the fuck did they get these people from? College? Nightclubs? Any religious organization?
Statistics are not fact. They are ways of organizing data that would otherwise be overwhelming and impossible to parse.
Oh gotcha! I think a lot of people are too jealous to pull off being poly. It takes a certain mindset to do it in a healthy manner. I guess what my opinion on it is is that there's nothing bad about it but most people are bad at it.
I think I would struggle with it because I would feel the need to be there in all ways possible for all partners, but I don't have the social energy to pull that off.