Since my polymorph meme has only garnered three downvotes so far I thought I'd offer a bit more controversial take, and see if I can manage to stir the pot a bit with this one.
this post was submitted on 14 Aug 2023
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Unfortunately:
As someone who had to DM more than I'd like, no dice, mate.
You're still dealing damage, e.g. it could kill you from the massive damage rule if you dealt enough. Vampiric touch counts how much damage you deal, not how much hp the target loses.
Not to mention I'd allow on creativity and rule of cool. I want players like that in my table.