Mental Health

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Maybe I’m hoping for some epiphany or for someone to point to a way out I’ve missed though I’m certain that’s not going to happen. 

I’m watching the Nazis rise again in my country. I never supported them. Not now, not in earlier incarnations that lead to this. They rose anyway. 

I got out of homelessness. I got a college education, though admittedly not in anything useful. I’ve never committed a crime aside from speeding. I’ve always played by the rules, even when they were unfair to me. I believed we had to cooperate with eachother, debate, struggle along to arrive at something more honest, a compromise that would better serve more people in the long run. But that only works if both sides are playing the same game by the same rules. The Nazis aren’t. I bettered myself as best I could. They didn’t. And they are winning.

I know what’s coming next.  I understand that great violence is coming. I fear I will not survive. I fear my friends will not survive. My siblings and nieces and nephews will not survive, or worse, the young will grow up in such chaos that it becomes normal to them to operate that way. That safety and respect become nothing more than stories from a primitive culture that existed long ago.

I’m gay. Im liberal. I’m an atheist. I’m outspoken. I’m poor. I’m honest. These are traits that are not desirable in the new country forming around me and they will be punished. 

I’m not changing myself to make Nazis comfortable. They are just going to have to kill me. And they will. 

Recently a friend was concerned about me and invited me out with others. We were out at a gay bar. A petition was going around gathering signatures to fight Ohio’s plans to reinstate a ban on gay marriage. They won’t stop there. I know they want us removed. And they have many ways of erasing me quite effectively. It ruined the evening seeing another loosing game being played. Ohio didn’t listen to its voters before, and America sure as hell won’t let them start now. I’m watching these people play the game as if they are setting things up for a victory tomorrow. People are already being disappeared. These people won’t be around to fight this tomorrow.

I signed the petition anyway. I might be wrong. Maybe this little bit will help if I am wrong. But I also felt that by increasing my visibility even this much, I’m increasing my risk. It is foolish to expect my state or country to handle opposition respectfully. But compliance with the regime just makes it more difficult for those strong and brave enough to fight back so on behalf of them, I signed my death certificate. I won’t likely win, but I won’t make it easy for them to silence me either. 

When I lost my last job I lost health care and lost my psych meds and treatment. I went through withdrawal while working a retail job that wasn’t actually paying the bills but I had to keep trying. Now I have a better job and health coverage again but I cannot afford to go back on medication. RFK has already stated what he plans to do to people receiving psych medications. If he simply takes those meds away, I’ll go through withdrawal again and will likely lost my job as I’ll be unable to function while my neurochemistry readjusts. I literally can’t take the risk to better myself. My family and friends have noticed. They are worried. I can’t even see a therapist because I can’t afford one. Besides, the Trump regime has expressed opinions on enslaving people for that too. 

I got a small windfall from this years tax return. I spent it all immediately on little tech project distractions for myself. I use them as puzzles to put my focus into. I dare not hold onto enough money to buy a gun while in this state. 

I cannot survive like this much longer. If my country doesn’t kill me, I might do it myself just to get away. 

I can’t afford to immigrate to another country. I have no money. I have no unique and in-demand skills. I only speak one language. And I’m an American in 2025. No one would want me in their country anyway and I can’t say I’d blame them for that.

I can’t keep stalling. I don’t know what to do next but doing nothing will most certainly lead to my demise.