this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2023
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Autism
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What you describe is eerily similar to my story. In summary, being so good at masking all the various symptoms of depression/anxiety/autism that I never considered it possible I was autistic. My entire life I've never belonged to the group I was participating with, I was always a step removed because the "language" of the group wasn't native and took a degree of effort/concentration to use. That's a tangent...
The question was raised by a new friend a few years ago and I finally got professionally evaluated a few months ago. Yeah, I'm obviously autistic.
Having that label, in my experience, has been intensely validating. No longer was my status as a social failure an implication of my lack of effort or disrespect for others or oversensitivity. Now I knew that I didn't fit for a reason, a reason outside my control and not just laziness or selfishness.
That separation--being other, not belonging--absolutely still exists and it still is painful but now the difference I guess is that I know I'm not imagining it.
To your case; maybe getting evaluated could be a good idea. It opens up access to workplace ~~accomplishments~~ [EDIT: accomodations] that can, so easily, make a living less painful to earn. Or it can just bring a sort of peace-of-mind like mine did.
The label itself isn't terribly important. So long as you understand yourself and are comfortable with who you are, maybe you don't need a doctor to certify that you are exactly this-kind-of-weird. I went into my evaluation expecting I wouldn't qualify for an autism diagnosis but rather satisfied already with my own conviction that I was not neurotypical.
I really appreciate hearing this. I was diagnosed ADHD almost a year ago, and it made a lot of things make sense, but therapy continues coming back to, "Yes, definitely the ADHD, it's obvious now, but there's just something... else." I'm going to begin trauma therapy soon, but stumbling upon some information on autism made me immediately recoil and say "That can't be me". When I learned a bit more, I realized where the reaction came from. I've spent a lot of time and energy avoiding and pushing away those traits. I blocked out a lot of memories as a kid, and as soon as I read about common autistic behaviours in children I started to be able to see those things and remember them and not immediately recoil, but suddenly consider them as something that really happened.
I think that's the real fear of "high-functioning", whatever it is, without having a label/diagnosis. Yes, I'm participating in society, I'm doing well, people like me, I'm good at my job - I guess it's just that the cost of it is everything that makes me me, and if that's normal, I don't understand how anyone gets by - and if it isn't normal, then what is it so much harder for me, and what does it mean for me?
So yeah, I do think I might look into assessment. I think for me, I've just pushed myself so hard for so long and blamed myself for so much that painful perseverance is deeply ingrained. Even though I should be able to follow my needs and rhythms without a diagnosis, it's a lot easier to look at yourself when you can see the full picture and be properly honest.
Plus, masking is exhausting, even when it's subconscious. Learning about ADHD got me to learn some things I'd been painfully masking without being completely aware. There's a lot of programming in me that feels natural, but it's just a reaction to how things "should" be done that really don't need to be there.
So yeah, I really appreciate the comment, and I think I'll probably find a lot of commonalities in your journey :)
Thank you, hearing that my words were valuable to you is probably the most valuable gift you could have given