this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2023
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Final Call
Feeling weird and stupid, I sit and stare
Midnight black, immense pit of despair.
No stars, just scars, and painful understanding,
That I am not good enough to be an entire human.
My fears designed by my own devious mind,
My fears designed to keep me in this bind.
So dumb, I wonder why I can't have nice things;
Of course I sabotage my sanctuaries
With an avalanche of failings.
I'm too much, I'm not enough,
I'm in all the wrong places.
I'm cute, but it's moot,
When I break my safe spaces,
With trying to find a fucking connection.
I'm an idiot, a total social rejection,
Some kind freak of science project.
A monster irredeemable,
Broken future, irretrievable.
I'm done with these feelings of imperfection,
I can't handle any perceived rejection:
Oh really, it's only me that I'm rejecting.
Fucked up and projecting,
I'm tired of being a social dumbass,
I'm tired of my chaos and of my fuck-ups.
I'll burn down these bridges, I'll fucking do it,
I swear, as a last resort,
I'll delete my accounts so I cannot report
On every single one of my stupid fucking
Feelings and thoughts
That I fucking felt and thought.
Like this is my stupid 2011 Tumblr blog
I've done it before, I'll do it again,
I'm toxic, and broken,
Not fit for human consumption.
Not fit for social interactions
No matter how much I want a friend
I'm too fucked up to make the commitment
Because I overdo it as always, it's plain to see.
It's no wonder I'm so desperately, platonically lonely,
I'm only almost human, don't touch me.
I cannot keep being this weirdo on here
And pouring my life out to you forum of peers.
I'm an embarrassment, I cringe at my own reflection
I'm obtuse and have no valued contributions.
You see, this isn't an apology, just a eulogy.
Less about me and more about you.
Less of me and more of you.
These poems will not be my diary entries anymore,
They will be about the comments from the scores
Of people here on this thread.
StudChud is dead.
(Bot001, I am so proud of you).
Bullshit. No one is required to be 'perfect' in order to be a good human. The reverse in fact. You are you. Your friends are those who know all about you and still love you. A cliche I know, but it got to be a cliche because it has a LOT of truth in it. You don't need to perform for us. Take this from an old bitch who has been around for a longish time and is far from perfect herself, but has learned to enjoy the busyness of living. The real trick is to ignore comparisons with other people I think. Because they aren't perfect either, and if they are performing perfection then they are lying through their teeth.
I liked this. Thanks for sharing it. It takes courage to be vulnerable, to yourself and to others.
Hope your night goes well 🙂
big hugs, love you stud , will love your new incarnation 💗😘
Yeh nah you're pretty cool actually
🥔