Facepalm

One of the very few times I had fun in church was because of that story.

I gave up on christianity at 12, but didn't have any kind of objection to it for others, and didn't mind going to church with friends. It's the south, and pretty much every church had a choir and singing, so it was pleasant enough.

But I went to church with a friend in jr high, a guy that still lives down the road now. But they went to one of those crazy churches with the long names that make no sense. Not the kind of crazy where they drink poison and handle snakes, just the kind of crazy where they jump around and scream a lot.

Anyway, I'm down to try it. We roll in and my friend drags me to the front pew. I was sins dubious, but he was smiling and saying the preacher wae awesome and I didn't want to miss anything.

He was not wrong lol.

This preacher was indeed impressive. One of those kind of preachers you get where they praise GAAWD, hallelujah and amen! every five minutes or so, just completely batshit but entertaining.

Guy starts talking about the story those images are based on.

He's red faced and just stalking back and forth across the front of the church like a metal guitarist playing to the back rows.

Dude rips off his tie and starts making knots in it.

He then races along the front row beating the ever living hell out of everyone except me. He goes back and forth, talking about how Jesus threw the money lenders out, and expounding on washing our souls free of greed, all while beating the ever loving fuck out of the front row, only skipping me. This was about five minutes worth.

The dude looked unhinged. Sweating, his shirt opened and starting to pull free of his pants a little, hair sticking out everywhere. And he's doing it while shouting it all loud enough to echo off the walls. But he never touched me with the tie. Got my friend on my left, and the lady on my right, but not me. Dude knew that I was not a member of the church, and made sure to miss me, no matter how crazy he looked.

That shit was awesome. Like, it cemented my certainty that I would never be christian, and that you couldn't trust preachers (because his whole act of being ina religious frenzy was an act, if he had been the "hand of the lord" he was acting, he wouldn't have avoided me). But it was freaking amazing on an entertainment level.

Plus, there was singing and some folks spoke "in tongues" which made it even better.

I was invited back several times, but I knew it would never be that fun again. How can you top that kind of performance?