this post was submitted on 17 Aug 2024
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me_irl
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ok but how?
Swimming in public pools works. Your body stops reading children expressing joy as an alert. And just regular crowd noises stop being an anxious trigger. Then it becomes easier to just be around others.
Or just try walking around in a busy mall regularly to get used to people in public places
It depends on your life situation and it's not something you can just press a button to fix, but on the other hand it's not going to get better if you ignore it. Things that may help depending on your circumstance:
Therapy
Taking an in-person class or joining a club
If you already have nearby friends, start a regular game night
Visit a 'third space' at a consistent time weekly, e.g. coffee shop, bar, library, gym (note: the point is not to practice pickup lines, it's to get used to being around people. If you go regularly, you'll start to feel comfortable with the other regulars)
There are more and I would be interested in hearing if the ones above don't work. I am a pure introvert who kind of lucked my way into a relationship. I still would be happy on a desert island forever but I can recognize that human connection gives me a reason to perform maintenance on my flesh prison, keeps my mental acuity up to stave off the inevitable dementia, and provides a different perspective on reality when I get stuck in a rut.
I want to reiterate that this is not a 'fix', but a process of self improvement. Particularly in the beginning, it'll be mostly unpleasant and hard to stick with. If it's working, you will be exposed to uncomfortable realities that you will have to process. After you have been doing it awhile, though, you'll start to have small wins that can snowball into being the person you want to be.
N.b. I went through this process in my early 20s, so lots of alcohol and hard drugs were involved and made the process easier or maybe harder than it would have been otherwise. I have managed to get appropriately medicated now and probably would approach things differently if I had to do it over again, but the point is to consider ways to work around your personal brain chemistry early on. Maybe anxiety medication, ADHD meds, or just exercise. Obviously your mileage may vary but these are things that can be tried in some cases.
Level 1: Go outside Level 2: Go outside regularly Level 3: Respond to interactions Level 4: Initiate interactions Level 5: Make friends
I wish I could get to Level 2 at least.
No one's brain works the same so it's pretty hard to suggest boilerplate workarounds, but maybe you can spend money to join something and then feel obligated to go. The hardest part is just wanting to change enough that it overrides the agoraphobia IMO
Ok so presume I am doing level 2, how do I get interactions to respond to
I think they happen naturally if you are visiting same place weekly at the same time. The waiter/cashier/or anyone who is regular to that coffee shop would try to initiate some interaction with you.
You have given me an idea! Thank uou
This is a good idea. Also if you find an employee that is nice. Tell them the truth. You are trying to work on socializing. You’d be surprised a lot of people really are happy to help you if you ask for help 💜
I had to practice saying good morning to people.
I’ve found when I’m feeling comfortable in public I notice other people’s belongings and can relate it to why I might want to interact with them.
Like if at the store I see someone with a band T-shirt I like I’ll try to just mention to them I’m a big fan and like their shirt. Is it gonna crate a friendship? Who the fuck knows. But I spoke to a stranger. And it wasn’t weird it felt friendly and nice 😊
Actually the one time I spoke to a girl in the past 6 months was about her BMW. We actually had a good short conversation. What was funny is that when I asked her "hey, is that your BMW?" Because I didn't see her get out of it - her response was "Yes, why?!?!" In a bit of a panic. So even bumpy landings work.
Thanks for that bit.
Maybe I'll go to a local coffee place and just order my white chocolate mocha, and do it enough to say things to people.
Yes! People might respond with initial anxiety and fear. Simply due to surprise. But I’ve found smiling and calm tone can help transfer that into a normal exchange rather than me freaking out internally this person now thinks I’m a rapist/murder cause I said hello 😆
"rest of the fucking owl" meets "wow thanks, I'm cured"
It takes time to write a reasonable response 😔
Have you met alcohol?
Alcohol is not a solution it’s a crutch, you’re not going to get better at social interaction by getting drunk. Yes it helps take the edge of but that edge will never stay full and when you go without alcohol you’re starting from scratch because all those other times you weren’t training your muscles but instead leaning on a crutch.
What you suggest is a gateway to dependency
See the problem with this is I currently can't drink alcohol because of Wegovy.
Not that it like will kill me, just that I have absolutely no idea how 1 drink will affect me. It's like quantum boozing, I will not feel it at all or for about 15 minutes I'm going to be drunker than I ever remember.
Booze will only ever be a bandaid and will not help you adjust via exposure therapy as was suggested above. You’re not making progress when you’re drunk so when you’re not you’re starting from scratch