this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2024
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When I was younger I also was told that I had a bit of a "debbie downer" presence.
Something that helped me was the concept of "yes and", when someone says something, find anything in, or tangential to, their statement that you can either :
Then the "and" part, add something of your own to the conversation.
Force yourself to balance your natural negativity with forced positivity and over time you may find that you no longer have to force it, and that you enjoy finding hidden positives in things, like a game, it turns conversation into a puzzle.
In general, people like being agreed with. So sometimes before disagreeing you can even say, "I agree with X part" and then instead of saying you blatantly disagree, change your tone to something like, "I would probably modify Y and see if I like it." It's all about controlling your tone and playing to human tendencies.
Once you get to know someone better, you can be a bit looser, some people like autistic truths. Know your audience, sometimes it's as easy as asking, "Oh, am I being too negative, I try not to do that."
Good luck!
I think this is great advice! It helps if you (not op, but the general "you") find yourself to be a bit of a contrarian, too.
I had talked to them about how I come off as negative but don't mean it thar way. They said I was good and to not stress it. So I was just beint me and tonight I get a 'you're being negative and we don't want that in our community'. So even being real with them and talking to them about this it wasn't good enough.
People are unpredictable. Don't take it as a judgement of who you are, we all face rejection sometimes. It can even be good for you in doses because it helps build resilience and shows that failure is just part of growth as a person. If you never fail, you aren't trying hard enough.
All you can do is sincerely try, if you are doing that, as well as accepting feedback and growing, the right people will notice that effort. You'll find your people, just don't stop trying.
I also suggest meditation, it can help you to identify the roots if thoughts as well as help you to know yourself. You may find the root of your negativity if you explore yourself.
Not an ad, I use it regularly, Headspace is a great app as an intro to meditation. Costs like $100 a year I think? If money is tight there are plenty of free alternatives.
Wish you the best.
Super advice. I do this in online and real life discourse on most any subject.
When responding to something, always begin your point at a place the other person understands. It's not always easy to find something to agree with from a position that you completely disagree with, but still try to find even some neutral ground. If you start at an unfamiliar spot for them right out of the gate, you lose people's attention, or they can get defensive, which isn't your fault but it's a natural reaction.
This is good advice. Interactions between people usually have loose scripts, but are mostly improv, and a big part of that is encouraging the other person to keep talking about what they are interested in. The hard part for me is usually when I find I don't have much to add, but usually I try to agree and paraphrase what they've said. This shows you're genuinely paying attention and care about what they have to say, and invites them to clarify or keep going. Really, just try to find things in what others say that you can agree with in general and you'll likely be in a pretty good spot.