this post was submitted on 17 Apr 2024
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I mean like generally yes but some poly dynamics have (consensual) rules. You might have a triad that’s closed off to other members for example, who would all consider it cheating if any one member had a relationship they kept secret from the other two. It’s not always “free love” all the time like it’s the 60s again.
You also do have hierarchal poly dynamics. People with “primary” partners and such. But it’s not really a competition. I personally don’t vibe with that, but it can be done in a healthy way if everyone is up front about their expectations.
I was poly for years and my ex and I designated each other as primary just to help ensure our priorities matched. We'd seen couples that just "free loved" it and it frequently led to a lot of drama and hurt feelings.
One person "demoted" her fiance to just a side relationship because she was encouraging her boyfriends to be competitive. It was gross. The idea of making love or sexuality a competition is just gross. These people are gross.
I have had times where people treat “non-hierarchical” as “you should immediately consider me equal to your other partners”. When no, trust takes time and effort to grow. In that sense, the partner that I live with does have some level of primacy over my other partners, because I trust her enough to build a home together. However we don’t share a room, we have our own spaces, and we schedule sleepovers just the same as I would with any other partner.
That is indeed ridiculously gross. She completely missed the memo on the “ethical” part of “ethical non-monogamy”. I think I would agonise for weeks if I was thinking about making the decision to no longer live with my nestmate. Months if I was planning on moving straight in with a different partner. I would need to figure out how to communicate that it wasn’t due to any transgressions on their part, that it wasn’t a punishment. That I just, didn’t feel that living together was right for our relationship or either of us as individuals. Especially if the end goal was to continue to be together. I can’t imagine being so careless with someone’s emotions like that.
Yeah. I loved the idea of non hierarchical poly early on, but there’s a resounding practicality in my relationship hierarchy. My wife comes first. We live together and are married, of course she does.
It’s so disgusting to make this a competition when it should just be a cooperative pursuit of happiness