this post was submitted on 11 Apr 2024
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I respect your optimism, I think you're right in a way. For a lot of lonely people this is probably true that they can find someone maybe, even if not guaranteed. But not for me, I'm just functional to go through life and not loveable enough because I don't know how.
You can work yourself out of a traumatized childhood but one can never truly get rid of it. Imagine double guessing every reaction of yourself, because you never know if it's natural or if it's because you're emotionally starved. Imagine double guessing affections towards you, because you are unable to tell malicious intent.
Imagine the most horrible childhood, with all sorts of abuse and only remove sexual assault from it, that's what I went through. Then you know why I don't look as optimistic at finding love. I haven't given up on myself, I'm just realistic. I'd need a women that has a lot of energy, to make me grow again. Like a plant that dried out and you got to water and care for it, for years, never knowing if it will ever flower again. I've not met such person yet, not even remotely.
You'd think that there's a chance, but I'm not sure how to date with this huge backpack, while every conversation is focused with a microscope to find early red flags, on both sides. Doesn't matter how content I'm with my life. I just got to accept dying never knowing what love feels like.
I'm in the same boat. People who had loving parents will never understand this. While I'm sure some exist, the vast majority of people are not going to put in the twice as much effort to date someone who's been deprived of affection their entire life. There is zero reason to go for that over a normal, healthy, emotionally secure person.
On the other hand, I'm not sure I've met anyone who quite fits the bill of a normal, healthy, emotionally secure person. Everybody I know is fairly messed up, and most of them never figure out that they are, much less actually work on themselves.
Just be aware of and frank about your issues while working on them. You can't build character without adversity, and character is attractive.
I am admittedly, in a similar boat. But I wouldn't want to date anyone who hasn't been through some shit. How could we ever relate?
This is it, everybody is fucked up (to some level), they just don’t show it or know it. It took me going to therapy at 30+ to begin to even understand the impact by upbringing had on me. I had it fairly easy, only child of divorced parents who tolerated each other for me, but still struggled hard until my early 20s, and it still has significant impact on who I am and what kind of difficulties I face e.g. in my job.
Ding ding ding.
"Normal" people are just ao traumatized of being forced to be "normal" that they continue the abusive cycle of equating "normal" with "good". "Normal" people are not less traumatized than "non-normal"/weird people. Their trauma is just repressed and barely visible.
The thing is, there are people just like you that are romantically compatible with you. While you're mostly correct that a "normal (whatever that is), healthy, emotional secure person" will likely not date you, plenty that are similar to you will, because they're facing the same dilemma as you.
What I'm saying is, maybe you're looking for the wrong people. Love from a non-normal, non-healthy, non-emotionally secure person is just as much love and as amazing as love from any other person.
And you might even grow through that love, or you both will.