The Onion

WASHINGTON—Explaining why the United States would not call on Israel to end its continuous airstrikes on Palestinian civilians, the White House warned Wednesday that a ceasefire in Gaza would only serve to benefit humanity. “We know there are voices across the world calling for a ceasefire, but what everyone needs to understand is that the only people who stand to gain from halting the bombing campaign are people who deeply value human life,” President Biden said in an Oval Office address, adding that if Israel was not given time to collectively punish all 2.3 million people who live in Gaza, it would be a great victory for anyone who believes civilians are entitled to basic dignity and security for themselves and their families. “We cannot allow that happen. These humanitarian concerns may be valid, but right now, a pause in hostilities would advance the interests of no one but innocent Palestinians, the many U.S. citizens living in Gaza, and the more than 200 Israelis who were violently abducted by Hamas and are currently being held in unknown locations. That’s not what America stands for.” Biden later extended the argument to explain why the United States spent billions on military aid for Israel while it spent mere millions on humanitarian aid for Gaza.