rikersbeard

I’ll start us off with:

• Aftersun - If you’re not into slice-of-life indie films, probably give this one a miss. It’s a slow paced exploration of the relationship of a non-custodial father with his daughter encapsulated in an overseas summer vacation.

• Close Enough - If you like adult animation but you’re tired of the cynical tone that characterizes the genre give this one a try. It centers on the misadventures of Millennial parents in LA just trying to make things work out in this crazy world. It might be hard to find now that HBO axed it, but I think it’s worth the search.

The term “marriage strike” has gained some currency in recent years. Any good strike needs a specific set of demands. After some consideration I’ve come up with the below list of demands. I’d appreciate any suggestions for improvements. I know some points could be a little more specific, like #7. Maybe this can serve as a basis for an actual marriage strike movement. Although naturally every jurisdiction and individual will have their differences, I’ve tried to make this fairly inclusive while not drifting too much into other men’s rights issues that aren’t directly related to marriage.

1. Abolition of common law marriage or any other quasi-marriage arrangements which are entered into automatically or involuntarily.
2. Equal access to marriage for all regardless of sex or gender.
3. Retention or instatement of adultery as a ground for divorce.
4. Abolition of all laws, regulations, and policies relating to abuse which discriminate on the basis of gender or sex.
5. Felony charges for demonstrably false accusations of abuse.
6. Organizations which openly espouse or advocate gender- or sex-biased views or policies barred from government funding.
7. Remove incentives for judges and attorneys to draw out divorce proceedings.
8. Auditing of judges for gender- or sex-based discrimination in rulings with consequences up to disbarment.
9. Abolition of the “duress” exemption for prenuptial agreements.
10. Abolition of alimony (maintenance).
11. Presumed 50/50 custody unless one divorcing partner can be verified as abusive or incompetent.
12. Property gained by divorcing partners prior to marriage, or its equivalent, devolves to original owner. Presumed 50/50 split of property gained after marriage.
13. Right to abortion on demand up to the 20th week of pregnancy.
14. Right to relinquish all parental rights and responsibilities up to the signing of birth certificate.
15. Right to a paternity test on demand at any point prior to the signing of birth certificate.
16. Prohibition of adding a parent’s name to a birth certificate without informed consent, except in cases of mental incompetence.
17. Right to be informed of the birth of biological children.
18. Felony charges for paternity fraud.
19. Recognition of parental alienation as a form of child abuse.

progress!

I’d like to talk about bad words, if I may.

Since around the time I hit puberty I noticed that so many of the expletives in English (I’d love to hear from speakers of other languages on this) are based on sex. Sex is typically consider a desirable or positive thing, so why is our strongest swear word “fuck”? Why do we say something disagreeable “sucks”? A hang-over from sex negativity? Excrement-based curse words make sense to me, but there are far fewer of them than the sex and genital-based ones.

Some of these have received pushback recently. In the 90’s and 00’s it was common for kids to casually use “gay” as a synonym for “bad” and “pussy” for “coward”. Maybe it’s because I’m an adult now, but I just don’t hear this anymore. Even if people use these terms negatively they mean their literal referents. I think we came to a place culturally that recognizes this isn’t acceptable (what right-wing weirdos call “political correctness”).

Most female-specific terms are no longer acceptable. “Bitch” has been effectively reclaimed by third wave feminists. “Cunt” is unacceptable in the US and its days in other English-speaking countries may be numbered. “Twat” sounds downright old-fashioned. “Slut” shaming is sure to draw approbation. Disparaging terms for sex workers are all off the table. And that’s great! But then why is the very opposite thing happening for male-specific terms?

“Dick,” “jerk, and “wanker” have been used to describe unpleasant people for decades. Now “bellend” and “scrote” are joining their ranks. We have often used fellatio as a metaphor for something disagreeable (“suck”) but there isn’t a comparable word for cunnilingus. And although it’s unacceptable to criticize a woman for having a relatively active sex life, it’s become more and more common to see men insulted for their putative lack of sex. And it doesn’t even need to be literal. If someone calls someone else an “incel” or “virgin” online they obviously don’t actually know anything about their sex life.

Expletives are an important part of language. Sometimes we need these blunt instruments to properly express our anger. But let’s move away from all sex-negative, and demographic-based cusses.

There’s a certain copypasta that gets posted in men’s issues spaces online. I think it might have originally been said by Karen Staughan. You may know the one I’m talking about. If you have it handy, please post it in the comments. I want to go ahead and reiterate it because it’s a very important point about online gender discussions. It bears repeating here as we start off on a new platform:

“I’m a real feminist. I support equality for men, too. Only fake feminists oppose recognizing abuse and laws against men.”

Have you ever posted a comment like this before? Well, I’m glad to know that you support men and boys. We need all the allies we can get. Too many people deny that we even face any gender-based disadvantages, or if we do it’s our all fault, anyway, so it’s on us to address them. It’s hard for guys to find sympathy from either side of the culture war, but especially from the progressive-leftist side. There’s just one problem.

What you say doesn’t matter.

I mean no disrespect, but you are an anonymous commenter on the internet. I have no reason to assume you have actually done anything to confront the anti-male policies or stereotypes that rule our lives. Unless you have “leveraged your privilege to call out” those who stand in the way of progress, your egalitarian ideals mean nothing to me.

First of all, I need you to understand who the “fake feminists” who oppose gender equality are. Quite simply, it’s all of the major feminist organizations. There’s a convenient list of those who proudly stood behind husband-beater Amber Heard: https://amberopenletter.com/ . Despite numerous recordings of Heard admitting to violence against Depp, they backed her. This isn’t the first time feminist organizations have stood behind violent women. Donna Hylton, who participated in the torture and murder of a man and spent 26 years in jail for it, has reinvented herself as a feminist activist and was even a featured speaker at the 2017 Women’s March in Washington, DC.

Not only do feminist organizations support female abusers, they have created and fight to maintain policies which exclude men and boys from being recognized as victims. Many countries and territories around the world legally define rape in such a way that men cannot be victims. When efforts to reform the laws to being gender-neutral started in India, feminists worked to shut them down (https://timesofindia.com/india/Activists-join-chorus-against-gender-neutral-rape-laws/articleshow/18840879.cms)

Aside from laws, feminists have also engineered the standard operating procedure of law enforcement to be biased against men. A framework for understanding interpersonal violence known as the “Duluth Model” was created by feminist Ellen Pence in the 1970’s. It assumes that men are more violent than women, based on stereotypes rather than scientific evidence. The Duluth Model informs the way police in many countries respond to domestic violence calls. This usually involves assuming that in a heterosexual relationship, the man is the aggressor, even in cases where he makes the call to the police to report violence against him.

This bias against men cuts across gender lines. Male feminists like Lundy Bancroft and Chuck Derry have made their careers on perpetuating the view that men are always the aggressors and women are always the victim. Bancroft even goes so far as to say that men who claim to be victims are actually doing it to hide their abuse, and that all men are potential abusers (https://www.acsh.org/news/2019/10/31/lundy-bancroft-anti-vaxxer-who-thinks-all-men-are-abusers-14370)

Feminists fighting to maintain legal inequality is bad enough, but they don’t stop there. Any time an advocate for men and boys makes a speech or starts a new organization, feminists are there to harass and undermine them. Erin Pizzey founded the first domestic violence refuge shelter in 1971. When she turned her attention to creating services for battered men, her feminist colleagues went so far to as threatening to bomb her house. Despite moving away from the UK she is still regularly harassed for her promotion of a gender neutral approach in her services and writings. The experiences of self-described feminist filmmaker Cassie Jaye had a similar experience. She directed an unbiased documentary about the men’s rights movement, and was subsequently shunned by the feminist movement.

Prominent feminist individuals and organizations have demonstrated time and again they oppose equal treatment for men. So that begs the question, who are the “fake feminists”? Does NOW, an organization which platforms abusers and opposes 50/50 child custody laws (https://floridapolitics.com/archives/206474-womens-rights-groups-host-statewide-media-conference-sb-668/), not count as real feminists? Is Hillary Clinton who once called women the primary victims of war, despite them not facing conscription anywhere in the world, not a real feminist? Are the various gender officers in universities around the world setting up kangaroo courts for accused men not real feminists?

It’s time for an uncomfortable realization. When it comes to equality, feminists’ actions speak louder than their words. If you still think the term “feminism” is worth reclaiming at this point, it’s up to you to stand up against the feminist institutions which have created and uphold the treatment of men and boys as second class citizens.

I want to share this anecdote to let guys who have faced abuse know that they are not alone, and those who haven’t to be careful online.

It was mid-2020. My company hadn’t shifted to work from home yet. One afternoon I was sitting in my office swiping on Badoo. It is one of the sketchier dating apps, but it was even harder to get a match than ever before so I was kind of desperate.

I matched with someone who’s photos were of a decently attractive woman. Pretty quickly they sent a video chat request, one of the distinctive features of that app. I was greeted by a completely black screen. This should have been a red flag, but I ignored my gut instinct.

We made some small talk but this person seemed a bit distracted. They started moaning and then I realized what was happening. This person was masturbating to the video feed of me talking to them. I had that freeze reaction you hear about in these situations. I knew what was happening, but my brain couldn’t quite grasp the reality of the situation or that it even could be happening.

After a minute or two I got it together, closed the chat, blocked and reported. But I didn’t get a chance to process what happened because my overly talkative boss chose that exact moment to walk into my office and chat about whatever was on his mind that day. It was so jarring for him to blab on like normal when I had something so bizarre happen to me. After he left I clocked out early and went home to put it all behind me.

I’ve never told anyone about this. Partly because it’s embarrassing, partly because I am sure that because I am a man people Will probably minimize it or even tell me I should feel lucky. I’m OK now, I had a lot worse happen during the pandemic. I just thought it would be good to share this experience.