AnotherFuture

ive been through a lot in life, but by most metrics ive made it out and have a relatively good life. but for some reason, its like this cloud always seems to follow me... and now it really feels like its engulfing me. i feel like im becoming so detached from reality. my friends don't care enough / dont wan't to listen when i need someone to talk to (and i can hardly blame them, who would want to hear the ramblings of some depressed person). i just feel so horrible all the time, thinking about how meaningless this existence can be, feeling like i shouldn't even bother going on, and i hate these thoughts so much. sorry for how unstructured this is or how unorganised my thoughts are, i just can't bear to hold it in any longer, i feel like im going to snap if i keep bottling it up.

Title really. I don't think I will ever have a traditional career (or path) because there are just too many things I want to do. Anyone with ADHD knows i'm sure, that when you even have so much as a few household chores to do, it can take you ages to even start. My problem kind of extends beyond the scope of little things, I seem to want so much out of life that it leaves me not wanting to do anything at all because it feels overbearing. I never finished college or chose a career because of this too, sometimes I get a goal in my head so it becomes my focus for some months then i get burnt out and move on to something else and it repeats in a circle.

when i was a child, i had a tendency to extremely hyper fixate on various topics for months, so now that i'm older it just feels like i've experienced everything even though I technically haven't. the fixations are becoming much more quick in terms of cycles / how long they (don't) last and i spend most of my time feeling bored and empty, just rotting away and feeling entertained by nothing. lately this has caused me to get really stuck in the past, so i spend a lot of time just laying in bed crate digging my own memories and feeling kind of depressed because i have nothing new to be excited by or interested in. it does not help that i don't really have any long term goals or ambitions either, i just kind of exist.

does anyone else feel like this?

Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I'll get right into it.

It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day)

For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It's funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn't get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It's been years since then, but I can't help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I've only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person).

Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don't own a car because I feel like it's the last "old-world" freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that's mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort.

maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don't even feel like I'm an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator's new album while walking to school.

I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks