Asklemmy

I have experience with alcoholics in the family and haven't drank more than a handful of drinks in the last 5 years, because I don't want to go down that road, but the things you need to ask yourself are: Are you prepared to have her never changed and eventually drink herself to death? Are you prepared for her behavior to get even worse over the years towards you and herself? Are you prepared for the drinking associated health complications, she won't be able to function as an adult for her last 5-10 years. Are you prepared to deal with potential DUIs, job losses, and other alcohol related complications? Are you prepared to give up your life to deal with her situation?

If the answer is no, you need to think about your future with her. You can't help her through this one.

never tried it, but heard it's highly effective. get hammered with them and film the whole thing. then show it to them.

I'm answering from the point of view of the alcoholic person you're trying to help, change. I was that person.

Went on for years. People kept telling me risks, I should stop, it was affecting relationships, health, work, etc.

I'd say: I don't have a drinking problem. I'm able to hold jobs. I drink to help cope with certain things. Everybody uses something to cope, alcohol is mine.

For years. Where things changed, late 30s.:

Getting sicker. Medical 420 became a thing. Finally found med that helped with insomnia. Introduced to dbt, cbt. A good psychiatrist.

It's good you care, are trying to help. You might be able to. But... the person has to be ready, willing to recognize they have a problem.

Oh, also, alcoholics anonymous never worked for me. There are secular options. Harm reduction, moderation management worked best for my situation.

Though I've not dealt with alcoholism specifically, I've experience with very serious relationships that were 'good when they were good, but abusive when they were bad'. Relationships I stayed in for many years too many, because I loved her and I thought things could change. From my anecdotal experience, I don't think there's much you can do but tell her how her behaviour affects you, support her insofar as you're able, and hope that can inspire change.

Past that, I just want to say make sure you take care of yourself. It's a certain possibility that she will not meaningfully change. No matter how much you love a person, you should never feel obliged to put up with being abused, no matter how infrequently nor in what context. And doing so will help neither you nor her. Best of luck.

Do you really love this person? I mean really, like truly. Cuz you have to realize that this will most probably be like the rest of your life.

I did a similar mistake, married the wrong person out of pitty for her (I wanted to help her). Do understand, people don't change, at least not at the age of 25 and above (I assume you're both not in your teens). Damaged goods is not something I'd be willing to accept again as my life partner. Now I'm stuck with her for the next 15 years or so, till the kid grows up.

Think about having children with this person long and hard and whether you could endure that with a person like that. Marriages come and go, you 2 could get divorced, no harm no faul, but children are for life.

Al-anon