this post was submitted on 26 Dec 2022

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What is the optimal length that a couple should date before moving in? (lemmy.perthchat.org)

submitted 2 years ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

13 comments fedilink hide all child comments

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.perthchat.org/post/184069

All I found with citations was that it's best to wait until marriage before cohabitation, but that boomer talk ain't gonna happen for zoomers.

Otherwise, 1 article said "wait as long as possible" but I need a month/year number lmao.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

I'll say this, purely from a reasoning standpoint and not from a research stand point. With my wife, we dated for a year, cohabitated for a year, and were engaged for a year before we were married. This made sense to me because you get to experience all the holidays at every point in your life, and it let's you see each other how you exist throughout different points in the year. If you need the AC cranked in the summer, and your parent can't stand that, or if you want to bake all winter and stay inside while your partner wants to go out all the time, you aren't able to discover that without cohabitating for at least 1 year.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

You're not going to get a useful number for this. There's simply too much variability between cultures, communities, and individuals for ant number to make sense. This relies in factors including emotional maturity, work loads, financial situations, friends/family/pets/children, leases, etc...

"Waiting until marriage" is usually under the assumption you will combine finances and have kids and take on debt (house ig) immediately while learning how to live with eachother. So several peak stressors at once. Maybe your citations are hoping the couple gets trauma bonded?

Also I've personally never known anyone who married before spending multiple years cohabitating.

[+] [email protected] -12 points 1 year ago (2 children)

i would consider it a well-known fact that there is a link between cohabitation before marriage and higher rate of divorce.

granted, divorce rates are rising anyway. but to be totally honest, if OP considers this boomer talk, it just speaks to lack of insight and life experience (which you will get when you move in with someone, to be fair). also, looking for an exact number to reach some kind of threshold just seems like a cry for validation. you certainly don't need to gain approval from people on the internet to make a decision (myself included). you won't need to know a number when you're ready, because you'll know the time is right.

regardless of what i said, i hope you find further research on the matter (try using pubmed or national institute of mental health resources) and i hope you find happiness if you're taking that next step in life.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (2 children)

What the hell bro? For a psychology community participant, you sound very unwelcoming, and people feeling welcome is what Lemmy needs now.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

apologies, i didn't provide any citation for that. also, i may have misinterpreted the purpose of this community. i spent about 6 years in college learning about psychology and neuroscience, and we commonly discuss topics such as these. it's common to disagree and cite different sources (which again, sorry for not doing that originally), so i figured that in a community such as this, we could continue in the spirit of debate in good faith.

this isn't a primary source, but here's a Psychology Today post from 2021 which supports my claim.

In that article, it mentions a 2019 Stanford study (appears to be a review) which points to benefits of cohabitation, but only within the first year. please take a look at the table on page 36, which i believe shows the overall divorce rate is lower for those who do not cohabitate.

i understand your concern about welcoming people. perhaps the first part of my comment was too harsh. but like i said at the end of comment, it's just my two cents. and i'll add that it's not even advice that i myself follow. i just wanted to provide insight on the data that i was/am aware of. if i'm wrong, i'm happy to be proven wrong. i just want to see the numbers.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

No, the facts are okay. But all that "cry for validation" bullshit was uncalled for.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

like i said, may have gone too hard on that. but i think the sentiment remains the same. maybe i went at it the wrong way initially because of the "boomer talk" phrase - that makes me think that OP is saying "i don't need to hear anything that will contradict my original premise, i just need for someone to give me a number".

i'm not trying to be rude, i'm just calling it like i see it - if you need a number of months to make yourself feel ok about making a decision, then i see it as looking for validation. we all do it - my point was that if you want to make a big decision like this, you need to feel ok with it. you don't need someone on the internet to say "yep, looks good to me based on arbitrary criteria".

and to reiterate what i already said, i'm just reporting the facts that i'm aware of. i'm not even saying that you shouldn't move in with someone, just saying "you should be aware of the statistics surrounding this issue".

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I'm actually having a hard time believing that there is a link between cohabitation before marriage and a higher rate of divorce. Could you provide a resource for that?

From my perspective, I'd imagine that one would want to cohabitate before marriage as it puts the relationship through a "stress test" of sorts.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Well, It's probably one of those misinterpretable stats. In this case, for example, it's probably because the same people that get married without knowing the other person very well are also part of a religion or culture where divorce is frowned upon. For example: arranged marriages have a divorce rate of 6-ish%

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

i provide a couple of links below in a response. i've heard this topic debated for years, but those two links were just recent output.

i agree that it makes sense that testing the waters before marriage would be good, but i think that it creates a difference in expectations for the relationship going forward. i think that, at least for some portion of the population, marriage is a true "do-or-die" decision, so once the vows are said, some things might start changing in the relationship dynamic. in terms of cohabitating, it could a difference in how finances are handled before and after marriage, or how household responsibilities are divided in the new era.

so my point is that cohabitating could create a false sense of security within the relationship. and i say that with the expectation that we all struggle with communication, especially in romantic relationships.

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