I don't want to be stereotypically feminine, therefore I can't be a woman.
Now I recognize that as internalized misogyny that I'm battling on top of internalized transphobia!
this post was submitted on 05 Apr 2024
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I can't be trans, I just spend 8 hours a day thinking about whether I'm trans or not for the past 5 years
I just wanted to deny it because being trans is kinda scary, even after accepting myself there is still some doubt from time to time that I'm just faking it (I know this is normal thing for trans people so I try to ignore it).
That's a good point and it resonates with me. Being trans can be scary! And it's scary mostly because of the thoughts and actions of others.
None of us "choose" to be trans. Who would choose to paint a big red target on their back that society is oh so happy to fire at.
"It's just a weird sex fantasy, not part of who I am."
*proceeds to live in denial, despite the persistent nature of those feelings, 'til the term "nonbinary" finally reached my ears *
Unsure if I'm nonbinary (who cares I guess, gender is made up), but it was incredibly useful for me to inch along the gender spectrum and experiment at my own pace rather than feel forced to make a sudden jump.
That's entirely valid!
My experience involved months of roleplaying in chat rooms in the late 90's and early 00's, experimenting with how I felt about various ways of being and being perceived. I learned that I was most myself when seen as the weird sort of inbetween gender that answers "Yes" when someone asks if I'm a boy or a girl, but enbies were almost entirely unknown back then so being myself felt more like a fantasy than a realistic goal.
That's me
My egg cracking as far as I remember started as a very sudden out of the blue thought of "You're a girl" while I was just sitting in class and that thought just kept repeating constantly in my head for weeks. It was so loud I could hardly think of anything else.
I was very confused and afraid about what it meant but I didn't push it away and I spent a lot of time thinking about it and experimenting with my gender and about 1 month later I accepted myself as a trans woman.
I don't remember thinking that I couldn't be a trans woman, but I remember slowly edging towards it, and I first considered myself to be a femboy, then a demigirl, and then finally arriving at trans woman.
I had a similar trajectory of trying out different "labels"
I went from questioning, to non binary, to some sort of femme non binary, femboy, demi, trans woman.
Sometimes we need to inch closer and closer until we realize we finally know who we are.
Plus I find it generally gives us a little more empathy for all types of identities. Even if they weren't the "right fit" for us, doesn't mean we can't empathize and celebrate those folk who find themselves elsewhere on the spectrum :)
"This would be the finishing blow to my pathetic career, who would hire/contract a weirdo like me?" Yeah turns out it didn't hurt my career in any way and reasonable people only look at results.
The old classic "I'm way too masculine to transition so I'd never be happy with myself, may as well tough it out". And in retrospect it was full-on denial, I'm pretty much as androgynous as someone who's gone through male puberty can get lol
Body hair… I was convinced there was no hope & that I’d never be able to afford to get rid of it all.
Lasers do magic y’all.
You only try epilating your asshole once.
This is beautiful advice & worthy of an infographic, imo.
How pricy can that get? I know i want to get electrolysis for the "bits" because I know I'll probably want that done long term; I've got a decent amount of options for laser in my area right now and if it's affordable enough I'd consider both
So… I did laser first & tried to get as much as cleared as possible, before going to electrolysis. (Above the belt, here. Went all electro downstairs). Those sessions were like $150/hr, + tip, & this was in LA back in 2010.
When I switched to electrolysis, it was $95/hour, and the shop was east coast, in NC.
All in, I think my count was 8-10 hours with laser & another half dozen for electrolysis.
All of that said, each shop will set their own pricing, & I used to be really damn hairy…
One thing I’ll mention is that I’ve heard bad things about Groupon/package type deals, with people feeling they did not get their money’s worth. I guess just be careful buying into a package of sessions, without having test run first.
Also, there is prescription grade numbing cream that is 20% Benzocaine, 8% Lidocaine, & 6% Tetracaine, in a lipoderm cream. I had to show those numbers to my doctor & get them to call it into a compounding pharmacy, because it’s not readily available.
Insurance would not cover, so it was like $60 out of pocket if I remember right, but it was worth it. It was still painful, but the prescription grade stuff was light years ahead of anything store bought that I tried.
Hope this info helps!
This is MASSIVELY helpful, thank you!!
Totally understand, I am currently massively hairy, and it grows back stupidly fast and thick.
Electro place I'm eyeing runs about $85 a session. I've got decent pain tolerance and a pretty good likelihood of that "red hair anesthetic resistance" so idk how effective a numbing cream would be. For an ingrown toenail, they had to come back 3-4 times with injections to numb my big toes
Laser honestly smelt worse than hurt. Electrolysis was whole different kinda evil…
I went without, until it was time for the pits & ‘stache. Both were humbling experiences & convinced me to numb up for the rest of the ride.
Best of luck & happy to help!
Thanks! I feel like it's worth every second of pain. I'm definitely under no illusions for that. Videos of it kinda look like a reverse tattoo in a weird way.
"It must just be a phase...I'll grow out of it any day now....any day now...ANY DAY NOW"
"I was born a male, obviously that means I'm a Man. What else could I be? Obviously feeling disconnected from manhood and masculinity is normal"
"Everybody wishes their body had completely different (smaller) proportions, that's completely normal.
Everybody is uncomfortable with body hair, it's just super normalized to not say/do anything about it.
It's completely normal to not relate all that well with other dudes.
It's completely normal to react to other dudes being jealous of [insert masculine feature] (giggity) with a halfhearted chuckle, then divert the conversation."
Yuuup this was me my whole life basically.
Core memory unlocked:
That time period where I would take tweezers and rip out every last hair around my nipples while going through puberty. For like 2 years. Before I gave up and accepted yeti-ism.
hmmm... it was so long ago that i thought like that. i think i felt like i was too masculine to pass, and asked myself what the point of transitioning was if i didnt. this obviously was very untrue. i feel after being transitioned for 10+ years now, most binary trans people pass as cis after a long bout of hrt. of course passing is not the end all be all, though it does make life a bit easier in more transphobic areas.
i also had some bizarre ideas about how i needed to change my personality to be more feminine in order to be truly trans. also very silly, im just me but now everyone sees me as a woman, i didnt need to change anything about how i acted
I can't be trans cause there's no way to change my Y into an X.
Hard to tell, but considering this video is what caused my egg cracking, the video hit the nose on all the excuses I was using.
The main reason I thought I wasn't trans before my egg-cracking is that I didn't know what dysphoria looked like, and I didn't think I experienced adequately severe dysphoria or that whatever gender in-congruence I felt was "clinically relevant" enough to count as trans.
I would read the DSM-V criteria and think "that doesn't match my experiences".
What helped change this (besides those Transition Channel youtube videos) was reading The Gender Dysphoria Bible, reading Julia Serano (esp. Whipping Girl and Sexed Up), reading Mia Violet's Yes, You are Trans Enough, and reading peer reviewed journal articles, like Dick Swaab's work (e.g. this 2008 article).
Never thought I could actually be and be percived for who I am