This is an automated archive.
The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/GloomyMarionberry969 on 2024-01-22 01:32:38+00:00.
Hi y'all, I (21NB) and my partner (21M) have been dating for almost 2 years and moved in together last summer, sharing a 2 bedroom with another roommate (we share a room/sleep in the same bed). He has been aware from the beginning that I have a medium-high sex drive, since our relationship started purely sexually. Sex was good the first year or so, but slowly his drive began rapidly fluctuating from semi-regular (still not really what I want even at his maximum) to nothing for a month. I am a very physical touch and sex oriented person, so being turned down repeatedly physically both when it's in a sexual or non-sexual context has me feeling rejected and sad.
It's important to note that in the span of these 2 years he has probably masturbated 3 times. This means there have literally been entire months with no orgasm or sex drive for him. I have told him more times than I can count that this is abnormal for a 21 year old biological male, but he refuses to go to the doctor about it. There's always an excuse for why he won't: he doesn't have money, insurance is being weird, or he forgets to make an appointment, etc. I have tried every strategy to help the sexual issues that friends, my therapist, the internet, etc have suggested, but his avoidance of his issues, inability to see a doctor, and DEEP deep rooted shame makes any sort of positive change impossible.
Starting maybe 3 months into living together, we started arguing more and more, escalating to the point that about a month ago I left after a serious discussion for a couple days to give us some space to process. Our solution after I returned was to just "live more separate lives so he can grow and explore himself." This obviously hasn't improved anything and just resulted in us feeling more and more like roommates who share a bed. He constantly stonewalls me when I do try and talk about our deeper issues. In terms of his "personal growth journey," it feels like he's exploring things with gender/sexuality that I explored when I was 12, so it makes it hard for me to relate with him and not see his experience as somewhat immature.
The decision to take any kind of action is difficult because I still love him very much and I have envisioned us spending the rest of our lives together. I honestly feel bad for him because I genuinely think he doesn't want to be the way he is either, but he clearly lacks the ability to give me what I need. At a certain point though I have to value myself and know that something has to change. Our lease doesn't end for another 6 or so months and he doesn't have much money, so I've been viewing breaking up as a last resort, but over the last couple weeks I have felt myself thinking about it more and more, realizing that I am checked out of the relationship and sometimes feeling like I might not even care what happens anymore. I am just so tired of putting in 70% effort when he puts in 30%, waiting around for him to change. On top of that, we are still so young! I feel a bit like I'm wasting my sexual prime in an unfulfilling relationship where we don't even have sex.
Here are what I see as my options, please let me know if you have any advice:
-stay together until the end of the lease, break up at the end if there is no improvement (pro: delays conflict. con: likely nothing will change and I will be stuck for many more months)
-break up now, forcing one of us to move out (pro: immediate separation = rapid recovery from the breakup. con: figuring out who will leave, breaking the lease, rent will go up for whoever stays living here)
-talk to leasing office about moving to a 3 bedroom so we each have our own rooms (pro: no one has to find a new place/lease not broken, ability to actually have that independence while still in the relationship. con: we do have another roommate so I would hate to make him move all of his stuff just because my relationship is failing, and if we do break up, we will 100% be living together until the end of the lease)
-talk about taking an extended break from each other, like maybe 6 months or so. (pro: allows me to a be a bit of a coward and an asshole by maintaining some sort of commitment/connection but we can live more separate lives/sleep with other people/"work on personal growth". Con: I have no idea if he would agree to this, might only complicate things further, someone still has to move out)
TL;DR: Partner rarely gives the physical intimacy I need and won't change, seeking advice on what to do while sharing a room.