An oldie, but a goodie
this post was submitted on 07 Dec 2023
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As many seem to have overlooked itb this is from more than a decade ago.
And to those setting "not being toxic" == "being vague":
Suggestion if you're in a situation: separate the subject discussed from the person and, to the contrary to what is said in some other posts, be very specific!
Improvised example:
Hey all,
patch xyzz and its aftermath communication is unacceptable.
It's content is not to the standards we have set here (explain).
Even worse, in the communication aftermath we blamed behavior of user space applications for bugs that are within our domain instead of owning up.
The bugs within the kernel will be focused on with highest priority by a, b and myself.
For the communication: (consequences). As explained the patterns shown here are unacceptable.
I have decided to no longer have x as a kernel maintainer on our team/enforce pairing for all communication/set up stricter consequence catalogue. Any specific action,really...
Not perfect as it's very early here, I haven't slept well and I'm not deep into the topic.
Just remember to separate subject to be discussed from person(s) acting please.
And always remember: bad communication is really easy and a lot of managers trained that their whole life! ♥
Reading this version I wouldn't know the writer is deeply disappointed, frustrated and angry. It's good you're trying to improve the letter but this is exactly what many people don't like about it: it changes the meaning. Perhaps you could include a paragraph which conveys this, such that the reader understands the gravity of the situation better.
Oh that was in purpose! It shouldn't matter that I personally am angry. My employees should never NEVER try to prevent me from being angry but focus on doing the best job they can.
That's what I admire about Linus: he realized the negative impact his anger had on the performance of others - and fixed it!
To be clear: I can be angry - but my anger isn't the reason I want things to change. Being angry is MY FAILURE as manager!
Think about it in another way: do you want your colleagues do things they thin prevent you from being disappointed, frustrated or angry - xor do you want then to move your collective goal forward no matter what you'd think.
Another example: if I'd be the one to have caused this communication mess I'd want my employees to call me out - even though I will get angry the moment I realize I've fucked up big time!
Ignoring emotions is very unhealthy. I understand that it is seen as desirable in a business context, but it is very unhealthy and detrimental in the long run.
I wouldn't necessarily call it ignoring, if you just... don't explode on someone in a "professional" letter, if we can call it that.
I agree! Making someone aware of your feelings doesn't mean exploding. You can just tell them. "I am very sad, frustrated and angry due to your actions. Please don't do this again." Is very clear and hurts no one.
I apologize - it wasn't my intention to imply that at all! Emotional self management is a critical skill for managers - and that shouldn't mean "go away, emotions!". A trainer and coach I highly respect phrased it simply: "emotions are. They exist if we like them or not.".
What I intended to convey was "do not use a public platform to channel your emotions."
If this would've been a private conversation I would integrate an explanation of my current situation, feelings and context for my reaction. And also this sounds abstract it can totally be a "dude I'm absolutely pissed. I need you to work with me through this." (this works btw in both meanings of "pissed" ;)).