Relationship Advice

I recently went through a very debilitating and painful episode of infidelity in my marriage, separation and divorce were duly considered. It appeared that not only was I losing the love of my life but my family unit was about to be torn apart. My daughter would end up sharing my experience of a broken family, parents fighting, and upheaval in her school, home and family life. Everyone was going to get hurt, nobody in the family would come out alright from a divorce. As much as it was an option, it was a nuclear one, and a step I wasn't going to take without carefully considering the ramifications for everyone involved, especially the blameless daughter. What followed was a lot of very painful soul-searching, numerous argumentative discussions, tearful confessions and professional therapy. Along the way I kept looking for groups or voices that had experienced infidelity in their relationships but still managed to keep their relationships together or were attempting to. Online communities weren’t very helpful, r/relationship_advice is replete with examples of people being cheated on, followed with comments like “Kick that cheater to the curb”, “Once a cheater always a cheater” and “Leave with your dignity intact” or similar sentiments. COSA, a 12 step program for victims of sex addicts, supports the victims but has a subgroup to enable those seeking divorce and not one for keeping marriages together. Searching around it is very difficult to hear from people that successfully navigate an infidelity event and retain their relationships. It’s very disheartening and traumatic, especially when one is looking for signs of hope, to see very little of people's relationships surviving an episode like this. It became increasingly clear that this didn’t happen in a vacuum, my wife and I had grown apart over years, and my deep dive into depression, family problems and alcoholism didn’t help. She leaned on poor coping mechanisms and emotional problems from her past to assuage her loneliness and inform her of next steps, and those steps included me only in relation to me being her daughter’s father. She has real problems, but they are manageable from a therapy perspective. I quit alcohol entirely which helped with the depression I was experiencing. She went no-contact with her “boyfriend” and went into Sex Addict (really, Love Addict) 12 step, where she remains today and is doing well. What became even clearer over time is that we hit our respective “rock bottoms” simultaneously and that our mal-adaptive behaviors had pushed our relationship to the brink. Everything needed to change. We started with a "policy" of complete honesty. She told me of all she had done, ugly painful details and all, and her ongoing challenges. I stopped burying my emotions in drink and became much more emotionally vulnerable. We cuddled daily, taking time to reconnect. There have been lots of tears, angry moments, heart-wrenching details, and feelings that this may not work. Everyone is in therapy, including couple’s counseling. The couple’s counseling isn't very comprehensive, but we use the opportunity as a moderated safe space to speak freely. We take walks together, take time to talk, we resolved to be more responsive to each other and share in each other’s lives rather than exist like roommate co-parents of a child. We committed to bringing back this marriage, the alternative was disastrous. Several months after beginning this reconciliation process we are stronger than we’ve been in years, maybe ever. It has been without a doubt one of the toughest experiences I’ve ever been through. Is it worth it? Sometimes during the process I’d ask myself that. For me the alternative was literally the end, the momentary emotional pain I was experiencing was nothing in relation to the future-ending path of divorce, losing my house, daughter, wife and everything I cared about in this world. Months later, it is/was worth it. We’ll stay together, we’re better than we were, the pain will ease with time. I understand quite well the deep hurt, humiliation and betrayal experienced by the wounded party in an adulterous relationship. Certainly, some cheaters are selfish narcissists that have no concern for anyone other than themselves. Some people are naturally deceptive and can’t be trusted. Some people are garbage humans and we find ourselves in relationships with them. These are very solid reasons for leaving someone that has slept around or had an emotional affair within a committed relationship. Value yourself and your sanity and well-being. Don’t be a doormat and let someone use and abuse you, never. BUT, if you love your partner, can see shades of why it has come to this, and you wish to repair your relationship and save your family then there are ways through this. Along the way you’ll feel the pressure of society and your peers telling you that this will never work out, and it will hurt but keep going if it seems to be working. I’m not saying that cheaters are people with problems too, and that any infidelity can be redeemed, I think the opposite. It seems to me that most relationships will fail, that most cheaters are probably irredeemable within that relationship. Sometimes trust is too far gone to be recovered, I came very close to this conclusion as well. Mutual respect and love are strong components to reconciliation, and a relationship that was founded on love and strength can find it again, but only with resolve, help and understanding. I’m very lucky, if it’s your wish to stay together than I wish you luck as well.