WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article
The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.
They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol
You got onioned
"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.
Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol
(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)
Commodities?
I would accept the offer at least to see if she'd follow through. At the end of the day, who's hand is doing the job doesn't really matter if you can look at whatever you want.