Federal Greenwashing Minister Tanya Plibersek has declared an all out war against Australia’s feral cat population in a bid to stop them from killing our native wildlife. Plibersek put released a statement putting in no uncertain terms that the only ones allowed to wipe out Australian wildlife are the government’s fossil fuel donors.
“These cats have gone too far,” said Plibersek, “it’s time we put an end to their crimes once and for all as they have not donated nearly enough money to the Labor party to pose this level of threat to Australia’s wildlife.”
“Speaking of, we do wish to give a special thank you to our friends in the fossil fuel industry who have already begun work on a weapon called ‘the climate apocalypse’ which is sure to wipe out all feral cats in this country at some point.”
In preparation for this war, the SAS has begun intense training in order to drone strike the felines and handcuff them before kicking them off cliffs.
Other reports suggest that both the human and cat armies have reached out to Australia’s mightiest army, the emus, in hopes of getting their help in the battles ahead. With one expert saying, “if the emu army takes the cats’ side, it’s over for us.”
So hard to tell Onion posts from legitimate headlines these days.