I'm in my late 20s now and I feel so much despair.
I think a huge factor that shaped my world is my breakup almost 3 years ago. I had dated several people, actually more than several, before then.
I feel like people think I am delusional when I say this, but he was genuinely the nicest person I've ever met in my life. I don't understand how it's possible for someone to have actually cared about me to the extent he did. At times I felt like he actually cared about me more than my own mom did. It wasn't just that, he was intelligent and hilarious too and we had a lot in common.
Unfortunately I wasn't good enough for him and he didn't want to continue the relationship. This basically fundamentally broke me.
I had my share of heartbreaks before, but even when I met him, I was basically at my breaking point with love. I remember telling myself this was my last try (because I was so done). To this day I literally have no idea how I could have so much in common with someone. It's like we completely agreed on almost every aspect in life. Did he just lie to me or agree with everything I said or something?
Apparently he has also had random acquaintances tell him he's a breath of fresh air and so nice to be around compared to most people, so it's not just me.
I really don't know what to do other than cry about losing him. I've tried so hard to find happiness for myself but how could I let something like that go?
My life hasn't gotten any better since then and I honestly think I am hopeless. Genuinely.
Literally everyone pales in comparison to what I had with him. Even though what I had clearly wasn't real, because ultimately he clearly didn't feel the same about me since he chose to leave. It felt real to me, talking to him is the most enjoyable thing I had experienced in my life.
This all sounds extremely sad and pathetic but really what am I supposed to do? I bet most people haven't even come close to meeting someone like him so they can't relate to this at all. I am going to sound insane again but I think he is some prodigy or something. Like one of those one in a million once in a lifetime people that most won't even get the chance to meet.
I mean, he did occasionally say turd-like things but everyone has flaws. He also said he wishes I was prettier so he wouldn't have doubts about marrying me lol.
He meant it in the context of telling me I treated him worse than his friends do, and he said that after we got into an argument once. His friends are more like acquaintances and he has never had to live with them.
Honestly I wish I could remember wtf actually happened (apart him constantly trying to leave when there was an issue instead of trying to solve it). That was a common pattern. Like if I would ever communicate to him anything that "bugged" me, he would just be like "do you want me to leave I feel like I'm just making you unhappy" and I would be like "no I do not want you to leave are you insane" but then he would keep mentioning leaving or booking a flight back and eventually I was just like.. I think bro just wants to leave
We had to cohabitate temporarily, somewhat soon after first meeting in person, and I think the learning curve of me being his first gf plus that was just too much for him to handle
Either way it became exhausting after a while being the only person who wanted to make the relationship work
You just listed a bunch of red flags ahaha girl who the fuck says “i wish you were prettier”? Not even in a heated argument… never
He was just being honest and he didn't say it to hurt me he just told me how he was feeling
You know better for sure. I personally don’t know if I would have said it even if it was true.
I mean me neither but like that doesn't make him a bad person or anything
Alright, you dodged a bullet. Better to be single than with a man like that.
What do you mean "a man like that"? I'm sure most men think it, he's the only one that was honest about it
No decent human thinks like that. And certainly a good person wouldn't say it, even in the heat of an argument to hurt you.
You can say most men think it, but frankly, most men aren't worth dating if they have an attitude like this. I think this guy has warped your perspective. You are worth way more than whatever he was providing in this relationship. It is becoming increasingly clear from your responses that he falls incredibly short of 'perfect guy' or 'prodigy' territory.
I'm not trying to be antagonistic when I say this, but I don't think it's his fault that he is shallow. He probably couldn't help the fact that he wasn't as attracted to me as he would have liked to be. I don't necessarily think that makes him a bad person, though I kind of agree he maybe shouldn't have dated me or led me on to the point that he did, if he knew from the start I was not what he was looking for.
I think he was just excited to finally have a gf, and to have met a girl he had a bunch in common with that he liked talking to. I think he definitely liked the validation and attention from it too.
I think maybe im being easy on his wrongdoings because of the nice things he did for me too. And they weren't super small things either. I don't know, but all I can say is I've met a lot of guys and I never felt like anyone understood me or even remotely cared about me like he did. Maybe I'm just unlikeable trash, because at this point that's my only explanation. Its not like I've rejected a bunch of good guys or anything.
Maybe his honesty was a way to absolve himself of the guilt he felt by leading me on, I'm not sure. But I feel like if either way he is going to date me, it's better to be honest about how he feels at least a little.
Honestly, that didn't offend me because I know I'm not that pretty, and he did warn me that he is generally shallow appearance-wise. So like nothing he said was wrong. And I do get why he would want someone prettier to be with "forever". It did make me a bit sad though that I couldn't be what he wanted.
Ok, I don't know you personally. But, I feel like we have gotten to know each other a bit here. So I will be direct here. You need to stop disparaging yourself. I don't care if you look like Nosfuratu or Sasquatch! No one deserves to go through life thinking they might be unlikeable trash. And from what you have written here, it is obvious you are a caring and articulate person worthy of love.
Being open and honest about being shallow makes you a bad person. I have seen your other comments defending him because telling the truth doesn't make you a bad person. Being honest doesn't have to mean you are mean. I know his other good attributes masked the negativity. But you need to start reframing him in your thoughts as an asshole ex-boyfriend. He is a jerk. Full stop. No questions asked. On the scale of bad ex-boyfriends he might not compare to the pscho stalker guys, but I assure you, he is on the list.
Listen, I know the dating scene is rough right now. There are way too many men who have the audacity to think they are better than the women they date. But you have to start building the foundations of a good relationship by thinking positively about yourself first.
As someone who has told his partner that she is not as pretty as I would like her to be, I wholeheartedly disagree with you that someone telling their girlfriend that makes them a bad person.
There are people who appreciate unconditional honesty. I also know that I'm not as pretty as she would like me to be. It's a simple reality that we're both not perfectly attractive.
There are people in the world who truly appreciate unconditional honesty, who don't care about "sparing someone's feelings" by lying to them.
My partner also knows I love her very much. She also knows I don't really care very much about her not being perfectly pretty. She also knows her worth isn't dependent on being pretty or not. We're perfectly happy together, she would tell you the same thing. Incidentally, we also believe in polyamory and are both not jealous of our partner having relations with other people. We both like to get our fix of "more pretty" from other people.
In my opinion, it's absolutely useless to believe you are pretty when you are not. There are so many ways to make yourself look prettier, but you won't do those if you already believe you're perfectly pretty. Acknowledging reality is not a bad thing.
I didn't endorse being delusional about your looks. I told her to stop disparaging herself.
Any man who leaves his romantic partner with the thought that she is unloveable trash is not a good guy.
Congratulations on your relationship and being able to insult one anothers looks and still respect one another. This is clearly not the case with OP. Thank you for reinforcing that she isn't pretty and introducing the novel idea that she can make herself look prettier if she only puts in effort!
Not helpful, but thank you for your opinion!
It is clearly the case with OP though, isn't it? She literally said that she's fine with him saying that he doesn't find her that pretty, it's only that he led her on which she doesn't like:
to which you respond that he clearly is a bad person:
That is the only thing I'm disagreeing with here. I didn't say I disagree with anything else.
I'm disagreeing with you on this point because replacing the current wrong reality (he is completely amazing) with another wrong reality (he is completely terrible) is not the way to go, and anyway, will not work. But even if it works, your approach of calling him a bad person and comparing him with psycho stalkers is not the right approach, so, in return, I could also say that you're not being helpful. He is quite obviously a flawed human being, but I definitely see no major evidence of him being a bad person either.