Sorry if this is different from my usual posts. I'm just reflecting on how I never fully open up to people. I say a lot of private shit that most people don't talk about, but I never take real risks. I never take chances or let myself believe that feelings could ever be reciprocated.
I've acted in less fortunate ways in the past when I fall for someone (Not anything serious, just being a bit creepy and obsessive). I'm always scared of turning people off, so I never even let myself care or become attached. I hold people at arms length and never reach out in the first place. I'm afraid of caring, because caring hurts in a way simple rejection doesn't.
I hope to let myself swim with the current more next year. I've never believed in myself like I do now. I know I'm resilient and capable of more than it feels like I am. I need to take the plunge and get hurt, because it sucks not swimming. Hell, maybe I'll finally swim again now that I'm less repulsed by my body. I hope to rock a swimsuit at least once this summer
For me, it doesn't really matter because I can't go anywhere and be myself. I physically fall apart before I even arrive. I was raised in one of the most toxic and prejudiced religious cult-like environments. One of the first aspects I really disliked about that culture was the misogyny. Now, I refuse to chase. I don't want that expectation of gender roles. I want my equal; to compel another as much as I am compelled. Like I'll call a couple of times, but I won't keep calling unless she calls me. I want to be invited places and to do things too, not just be the one putting everything together. That is why I ghost people; they weren't reciprocal.
I feel the gender roles things, but I've also realized that putting myself in situations where any sort of chasing can happen is my problem. Reciprocal or not, I need to put myself out there in uncomfortable ways to see any social interaction.
I know I'm not alone, as gen z has a particularly hard time with meeting people on a large scale. Society isn't designed for people 😮💨
I talk too much and don't know how to have conversations it seems. I just don't know how to engage without feeling like I'm prying or making someone uncomfortable.
In my defense, I have several fundamental needs that go unmet, and I'm physically unable to remedy them.
Highschool was my first gf connection but all the others were friends of friends. I really dislike the lack of quality friends and connections I made through my religious upbringing. I never dated anyone of the hundreds of people I would invite to do stuff. I almost never got invited to do anything. So I became what I wanted and regularly put together social affairs. I was still very introverted and much preferred a small group of people, but I tried really hard to invite everyone possible, even the people I didn't like. Several of my partners were friends or family of these people, and in almost all instances I ran into them somewhere else unexpected and made the connection.
I've never actually looked for a partner. It just kinda happens for me. That hasn't been a good thing in some cases.
Anyways, I'm trying to say, become the person you need. Call up people and put together the kinds of stuff you wish you were getting invited to. I didn't really know how much smarter I was than anyone in my friends group in the past. My core fiends were like blank headed zombies, but those might be useful when it comes to putting together social outings. Those types of people will show up to anything so that you're never left totally alone even when most do not show up.
Also keep in mind, most people pay rent on the first of the month, the majority of people have the most extra money to spend on the second and third weekends of the month. If you want people to show up, maybe do stuff at these times.
Think of meeting people as a statistics game. You need to increase the pool size to get to a critical mass where you will meet the right person. Most people have a pool that includes people you have never met before. The more you invite them, the larger the odds that they bring someone new, and that is the opportunity to expand the network. That is how I did it. I had no real lasting friends from doing that, but I think this was largely due to religion's stupidity filter and my growth. I have nothing in common with those people. I wasn't really myself doing all of that, but I was desperate to get away from home and my family, so it was an outlet. Become the person you need as a stop gap until you find a better solution.