I was diagnosed bipolar more than 20!years ago and have been on a slow but painful decline since.

On and off meds (More than 50 at last count), in and out of treatment, inpatient and out.

I have a kid, the most amazing little thing in the world. They are 10 now, their incredibly abusive mom and I having split and a nasty divorce 5 years ago.

I have the most amazing partner, they are supportive, caring, just. I am so fucking lucky.

So lucky that when my job was on the verge of killing me, after a stay in the hospital because they thought I had a heart attack, they grabbed my hand and said let's jump. Encouraging me to quit a well paid career in IT.

Now I'm waiting on disability, I tried to work up the courage to apply for some entry level retail jobs just to give me something else to do and I panic. So bad sometimes I'm reaching for the Ativan.

I was abused by my parents, raped by a priest and a camp counselor, I was nearly killed in some gang stupidity and had to testify and make myself and family a target as a kid. My second wife was so abusive I ended up shutting down my entire personality. I slept on the floor, with my dog, because I wasn't allowed on the bed. During the divorce I was accused of sexually abusing my kid by my ex, and for that lie I spent more than 4 weeks not being able to even talk to them. At 5.

I am so tired. So tired of struggling, just to survive to hurt more. I have no plans to solve that because I can't leave earth while my child breathes, leaving them to be raised just by their mom would be disastrous. I can easily imagine them going to back to the cult compound they moved into when they left, and becoming another sexual assault victim of my kids grandfather, along side his other daughter he's been fucking since she was 12.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I can't really talk to anyone around me about it. I feel needy and bothersome.

Fuck this sucks