I mean, you can't just get fit and expect someone to come knocking on your door. If you are feeling good about your looks now, that's an accomplishment you can be happy about, and should, but it doesn't send out some secret signal that you are ready for a relationship. You have to talk to actual people. You can meet them out in the world or on an app, you can also tell any friends you have that you are looking to start dating, network. I think friends of friends and dating apps are the most usual ways of getting dates now. When I was young we just hung out in groups and some people always people ended up paired off, didn't really date per se, but my kids don't seem to do that as much.

So basically - now you are happy about your physical shape, you still have to reach out to people, that is the next step.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

If you are feeling good about your looks now,

I'm not. It took me almost 4 years to have a normal BMI, yet I'm still super skinny, my face is still horrible, and I'm not even that good at weight lifting (bench-pressing 60kg is terrible).

You have to talk to actual people.

Who? And say what?

This "advice" is always repeated by people like you, yet they can't answer the most basic question about it.

you can also tell any friends you have that you are looking to start dating, network.

They know, but what can they do about it?

dating apps

I used several apps for 2 years and got nothing. Maybe a match every six months. Those apps are scams anyway; I know for a fact Tinder shadowbans accounts of people they deem too ugly. I did an experiment with a friend once; we both set our search perimeter to less than a kilometer. I could see her account, but she couldn't see mine.

you still have to reach out to people

Again: who? Say what? I asked that question to several people over the years, both IRL and on Reddit/Lemmy, and NEVER got an answer.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

You are talking to us here, now. I know you do rock climbing and weight lifting. If you have friends, you talk to them too. It's not different from that. You are doing it already. There's not a formula.

What friends can do is tell their friends you are a great guy and introduce you to other people. That's what networking is, the same way you network computers, you network human relationships, by connecting them.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

You are talking to us here, now. I know you do rock climbing and weight lifting. If you have friends, you talk to them too. It’s not different from that. You are doing it already. There’s not a formula.

I did not randomly send you a DM. We were both on the same thread (so a conversation subject was already decided), and the very structure of Lemmy makes it acceptable to reply to random people in various threads, with the added benefit of it being in written form. Real life is very different; I can't just listen to conversations people I don't know are having, and randomly interject when I feel I have something relevant to say.

What friends can do is tell their friends you are a great guy and introduce you to other people. That’s what networking is, the same way you network computers, you network human relationships, by connecting them.

I understand what that is, but it cannot work. I know one tried at least twice to hook me up with someone. They do not have the power to fix me. No one does.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I can’t just listen to conversations people I don’t know are having, and randomly interject when I feel I have something relevant to say.

Damn, I feel that to my core. One of the few benefits people like us would've had in the pre-internet days, was that striking up casual conversations with strangers was considered more acceptable. Thankfully, my (also neurodivergent) father set an example for that when I was growing up - he chatted up everyone, and as a consequence seemed to know people no matter where he went. Yeah, some people probably thought he talked too much, but so what? He wasn't bothered, and he occasionally made actual connections through it. At the very least, I imagine most people would recognize my father as a friendly guy.

I try to let that empower me, even though it's much easier said than done. The thing is, if you go into a conversation expecting to be viewed negatively, it's going to impact how the interaction goes. Also, something that took me a painfully long time to learn, is that internet strangers can't substitute for therapy. Just because neurotypicals know how to do something, doesn't mean they can explain how they do it. I held that same expectation through my youth, but since NTs never had to go through the socialization process step-by-step in order to learn it, expecting them to break it down the way you want them to simply isn't going to happen.

That is, unless they've studied it and know how to give constructive advice that makes sense from your perspective. And at that point, you're actually seeking a therapist anyway.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 2 weeks ago

The thing is, if you go into a conversation expecting to be viewed negatively, it's going to impact how the interaction goes.

How else can I be viewed? Joining someone else's conversation uninvited is very impolite. This is not acceptable behavior. It's annoying at best, creepy at worst.

And at that point, you're actually seeking a therapist anyway.

Therapists are charlatans. They aren't real doctors. They cannot heal, they cannot prescribe, they cannot operate.