this post was submitted on 16 Jul 2024
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I've never seen or heard anybody tell men not to trauma dump. On the contrary, I've only seen people tell men that they should open up and be comfortable with their emotions.
Ok, should I give screenshots as proof or are you willing to go to askwomen/twox/or any other women centric places and see for yourself?
Are you going to those places to talk about your problems? I think you might be misunderstanding the point of those communities.
Nope. That's just women discussing amongst themselves or answering questions about red flags or relationships.
Other terms I learnt are: love bombing, breadcrumbing, benching.
I know it might be strange to think, but not even close to a percent of women frequent those spaces.
Do you really think thats where youll find how the average woman feels?
Those terms are just as foreign to the average woman as they are to us. If you dont believe me, go look at the male equivalent spaces to those you listed. See if the men posting there represent your views well.
It's not just reddit. It's on every social media.
To think that such opinions are reaching only a small percentage of people in this day and age is just naivety.
Secondly, I'm not from the 'West'. The cultural divide between traditional and modern is much more stark where I'm from than it is in the 'West'.
Which means, if I want to date an independent woman in my country, it is most likely that she holds such views influenced by social media. Which means I have even fewer chances here than I'd have outside.
Or you could just not generalize actual people. Statistics aren't meant to be applied to individual scenarios. They are meant to aid decision making not to determine what will and won't happen with a specific person.
Go out, and meet some real women, and youll find not a single one of them is the same. Sorta like how you and your friends are all different people who, despite living in the same area and spending a lot of timetogetherz, still have their own personalities, peculiarities, and interests.
Are you concerned you will waste your time with someone? How could a relationship with another person sound so awful to you from a default position? Its also okay to disagree with someone, and everyone is on their own journey of understanding thousands of different concepts, to discount everyone who currently mentions those ridiculous terms of yours, is shooting yourself in the foot at best.
If you've ever had a belief or idea of yours changed before than you'd understand how absurd your excuses are.
I do have women friends at work. But dating culture is non-existent and dating apps are shit.
Dating apps are shit, as well as dating culture. I have a theory although its not really backed up by a lot of hard evidence.
Dating culture and dating apps, are not for dating, they are for sex. Anyone who's trying to use them for finding someone to build a meaningful relationship, is going to have a horrible time, full stop. You are likely to run into horrible expectations and a fun new way to end relationships, ghosting.
When I think about trying to find people to build relationships with, as an adult, we need to understand we are all busy people. We dont have time specifically to set aside to just making friends. This is why so many relationships start at the workplace.
So the idea is to take the stuff you like to do, and go do a social version of that. Over time youll make friends with people there, and very likely one of them could be a romantic partner. This is also why sometimes the advice to work on yourself instead of chasing other people, works out for the best.
One last thing, if you are male looking for a female, please understand from their perspective they are getting essentially scammed constantly on those dating apps. They also have to be afraid of being physically hurt on top of it all. Women may be correct to be wary of any men who are trying to get closer to them, even if its just at first.
What's your alternative to dating culture then? Arranged marriage system? 😂
Like I said, focus on a social version of your hobbies. Even things you might do alone in your home, I guarantee you that people like to get together physically and do that thing, or virtually to at least talk and learn together.
Its hard to give specific examples for you but say you like to do some sort of arts and craft, or some form of excercise, then you'd find a social space around that and start participating regularly. You would primarily focus on the thing you are doing but a secondary focus would be slowly building relationships with those in your group.
It doesnt take long being around someone before they feel they know you well enough to feel safe doing other things or even more intimate things. Youll also be sure that the people in the group have at least something major in common with you.
Maybe you could explain why you think thats a worse choice than playing the lottery on dating apps/sites?
Well you said dating apps are shit - I agree - as well as dating culture is shit - which I confused with you calling dating in general as shit.
What you've described, meeting people socially, dating them to gauge compatibility, going ahead of stopping relationship, that's all part of dating culture imo.
Yeah I think I was a bit confusing, I'm saying essentially anything labeled actual "dating" is code for sex, in person or online. Although I won't discount that there is likely a few dating apps out there that are essentially anti-hookup (ive heard anecdotes of using christian mingle even if you are atheist).
As for your last point, you are right that what I described can be dating culture, in the traditional sense of the word. But the key is, it doesnt have to be. Those things are different things to different people. I'm saying you should do those things but dont treat them as dating. Be more interested in the thing, rock climbing or whatever it is, work on improving yourself and helping others improve. You won't look desperate, which is one of the biggest turn offs when meeting people, and you will have something to talk about somewhat confidently.
Also asking others for help is a great way to cause them to like you, as weird as that sounds. Its an ego thing I think.
The point is, again just from my perspective, is to not focus on dating itself, just focus on being around people doing something you care about. People are attracted to genuine people who aren't desperate.
You ever walk by a street musician and are drawn to stop and watch? Think about why that might be, why you might feel safe enough to walk up to a street musician and engage with them but you might be afraid to engage with a random person who you run into at the coffee shop.