this post was submitted on 04 Apr 2024
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Yeah, right? Why would they want me? May as well save us both the embarrassment and awkwardness by never interacting again, and save myself the pain by kicking down any romantic feeling or inclination I have so I'll eventually stop having them and won't have to feel bad about not being able to act on them
Fuck, sorry, I'm a lot better mentally nowadays but sometimes that still surfaces. Hard to stop over a decade of that kind of thinking and mental habits
I know this all too well, although for me it surfaces much less as the thought of "saving myself the pain", but instead being a very aggressive: "I am so bad/worthless, any attempt by me could be genuinely hurtful/transgressive".
Had a lot of work, therapy, life developments, it got better, but never truly vanished as this thing that sometimes bubbles up at the core of my self - some days more, some days less. Wishing you the best in your own struggles with thoughts and feelings like that.
Fuck, that hit home. I’m with someone that I love and it’s great. I love myself and that’s great. But man, years of feeling ^^ this way. Cheers to each of us and anyone else who known this feeling.
The important part is you're doing the work, and I want to recognize your effort and thank you for it.
I'm on my own journey and I always have to remind myself that even though the work is hard, it is necessary to end the cycle of harm. Continuing the cycle is infinitely worse than the hard work. The more people that end the cycle, the better the world will become.