Tattletale Times

In an unprecedented move, 13-year-old Brandon “Tired Bones” Hayden announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from his longstanding position as Commander and Chief of Chores. Citing reasons of fatigue, mental decline, and bad golf scores. Brandon does not have the power to appoint his successor but since he only has one sibling, his 10 year old sister Carmella is the only logical choice given such short notice.

The decision came after months of speculation and whispers around the dinner table about Brandon’s ability to maintain the rigorous standards of chore duty established during his tenure. Neighbors and family members alike have noted his frequent confusion, increase in naps and tendency to stare blankly at the wall.

Carmella, who has been serving as the backup chores officer, expressed her readiness to take on the new role. “I’ve been in training for years,” she said “I know I have some orthopedic shoes to fill, but I’m confident I can make our household clean again.”

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Parents worldwide have proposed a new group of events that showcase the everyday heroics required to raise children. These proposed events promise to be as grueling as the triathlon.

1. The Family Dog Walk The Family Dog Walk combines canine management with child safety in a chaotic, high-stakes event. Participants must walk two untrained dogs on leashes while pushing a stroller and ensuring a toddler doesn't dart into oncoming traffic. This event requires world-class coordination, iron-clad patience, and the reflexes of a professional athlete. Extra points for picking up dog poop without the stroller rolling away.

2. The Toddler PJ Wrestling Match Inspired by the ancient art of Greco-Roman wrestling, the Toddler PJ Wrestling Match challenges parents to wrestle a wriggling toddler into a pair of zip-up pajamas that are at least one size too small. Competitors must contend with the notorious "alligator roll," where the toddler thrashes and flails with the agility of a gazelle. Points are awarded for speed, technique, and completing the match without the parent or toddler crying.

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EDIT: Changed article picture to stock photo due to feedback

As a mother, I often face unrealistic expectations and judgments from others regarding my parenting choices. However, there is one thing I absolutely refuse to worry about: matching my kids’ socks. I don’t give a sock, and you shouldn’t either.

I am well aware that some people may view mismatched socks as sloppy or lazy. Well, guess what? Keep your opinions to yourself, Karen. I don’t criticize your crippling Xanax addiction or your outdated Capri pants. Where’s the flood, Karen?

Just the other day, a father at preschool drop-off had the audacity to comment on my child’s socks. Oh, wow, Mr. Sock Gestapo, congratulations on your heroic mission to police the world of socks. Maybe you should report me to the Sock Police for a “sock wellness check.” And while you’re at it, go home to your wife, Kyle, instead of cheating on her.

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5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn Summer is here, and that means one thing: it’s time to watch in horror as your lawn turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Why fight it? Embrace the inevitable chaos with these five activities guaranteed to obliterate that golf course-caliber lawn you’ve been working years on. You might as well lay down wood chips and call it a day, because those little savages will destroy it by fall one way or another.

1. Slip and Slide Ah, the slip and slide – the classic summer activity that promises fun, laughter, and a lawn that looks like it hosted a mud-wrestling tournament. After a few hours of kids hurling themselves down a plastic sheet at breakneck speed, your once-lush grass will be nothing more than a distant memory. The combination of water and trampling is sure to create a muddy disaster zone. Just remember, mud is nature’s way of saying, “You never really liked grass that much anyway.”

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This week, a groundbreaking advancement in drone technology has overbearing parents nationwide sighing in relief and children hiding in terror. Drone manufacturer HoverHawk released their latest product: the Helicopter Parent, a drone designed to provide around-the-clock, relentless supervision of your soon to be traumatized children.

The Helicopter Parent, a sleek black quadcopter, comes equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, including 4K cameras, facial recognition, and a megaphone for issuing real-time scoldings from your smartphone.

The new drone can hover silently or employ a “gentle hum” setting for those who prefer a more constant, oppressive presence, also features thermal imaging for night-time monitoring and a proximity alert system that sounds an alarm if a child steps outside a designated area, such as their front yard, school, or out of arm’s reach of a parent.

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In a bold move that is set to send shockwaves through their upper-middle-class suburban community, local mother Karen Slawson has made the decision to enroll her son, Timmy, in Krav Maga classes.

“Krav Maga is a gruesome martial art developed by the Israeli Defense Force, known for its no-holds-barred approach to self-defense,” explained Tal Golan, a local Krav Maga instructor. “It’s an ideal martial art to teach young children because if they happen to cause severe harm to a classmate, their age protects them from being tried as adults.”

Karen elaborated on her decision, stating, “Krav Maga’s uncompromising brutality is precisely what Timmy needs to assert himself during recess at Edina Elementary. I don’t care if Timmy has to knee groins, punch throats, or gouge eyes. My son is no longer messing around.”

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After seven long months of exile from his beloved dog park, a Golden Retriever named Bark Twain, has expressed his grievances, saying that while baby food scraps are a decent consolation, they are “nowhere close to sniffing 14 butts in a row.”

Bark Twain, 5, a previously pampered canine, enjoyed a pre-baby life filled with Frisbee catches, belly rubs, and almost daily visits to the local dog park. That all changed when the Twain family introduced a tiny, squealing human named Max into the household.

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In a surprising twist that has sent shockwaves through the educational television community, beloved children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel has officially taken over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. The first order of business? Retiring the iconic overalls for a collection of cozy cardigans that would make your grandma jealous.

The announcement was made during a special episode where Ms. Rachel serenaded the audience with a heartwarming rendition of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” leaving millions of toddlers confused and nostalgic adults thrilled.

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Nosey local woman, Sofia Snoopington, spent the better part of Saturday morning staring out of her living room window, pondering the profound question that she assumes the whole neighborhood is wondering: Is Shelby Stashmore next door having a yard sale, or has her family intervened with a hoarding intervention?

“I mean, the signs are all there,” Snoopington pondered, a half-empty, bedazzled Shelby cup of coffee in hand as she squinted at the eclectic collection of items strewn across Shelby Stashmore’s lawn. “But is it really a yard sale, or is this just her loved ones attempting to Marie Kondo her life in one chaotic event?”

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6-year-old Mark Buffet has posed a question that has left his mother, Nancy Buffet, both bewildered and concerned: “Mom, are there any other fairies like the Tooth Fairy that pay money for human body parts?”

The question reportedly arose yesterday morning after Mark found $5 under his pillow in exchange for his latest lost tooth, sparking an entrepreneurial curiosity about the potential fortune he could make if something like the appendix fairy exists.

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In local news, a man’s reaction to his six-year-old son’s excitement over catching a six-inch bluegill has raised eyebrows in the community. Despite the child’s genuine joy and enthusiasm at reeling in his first catch, the father expressed disappointment, considering it a “pathetic” accomplishment.

Sources close to the situation reported that the father muttered, “Big deal, anyone can catch a bluegill. They’re practically brain-dead and will bite anything you throw at them, even a bare hook. It’s not like he caught a trophy bass or anything worth bragging about.”

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In a remarkable victory for the shadowy cabal of trophy manufacturers known as “Big Trophy,” an alleged child psychologist with questionable credentials has emerged in support of the practice of awarding participation trophies to all youth sports athletes, irrespective of their performance.

The conspiracy theory, which has long circulated among parents and coaches, alleges that trophy manufacturers conspire to generate demand for their products by promoting the idea that every child deserves a trophy merely for showing up. However, until now, no credible evidence has surfaced to substantiate these claims.

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In an unprecedented move in the infant care industry, Enfamil, a leading infant formula manufacturer, has just announced the release of their latest innovation: Enfamil PM, a revolutionary baby formula that boasts military-grade animal tranquilizers to ensure babies sleep for a questionably unhealthy 18 hours straight! Welcome to a new era of parenting, where your infant will outsleep your cat.

“We understand the struggles that new parents face when trying to get a good night’s sleep,” said Enfamil’s CEO, Sandy Snoozeman, in a press conference. “That’s why we’ve taken inspiration from large animal veterinarians to develop Enfamil PM”

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In what can only be described as a desperate cry for help, local mother of two, Karen Torrance, has reached the breaking point after enduring her 32nd consecutive Blippi video. Blippi, the beloved children’s YouTube sensation and his stupid orange and blue beret, has all but broken parents throughout the world.

Sources close to the family reveal that the tipping point came during yet another rendition of the “Excavator Song,” when Torrance grabbed her son’s iPad and threw it like a frisbee against the wall and screamed “So much to learn about, makes you wanna shout. Shoot me!”

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In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic "You got this!" to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.

Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad's encouragement. "At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence," Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”

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KinderCare announced today that, effective immediately, the cost of child care will require parents to sacrifice an arm or a leg—possibly both if they desire premium services such as snacks, lunch, and sunscreen.

“Given the current state of inflation and the rapidly rising costs of literally everything, it was only a matter of time before we had to re-evaluate the economic structure of child care.” KinderCare spokesperson Louie Lootermore said.

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In a quiet suburban neighborhood where minivans outnumber streetlights, a group of women have been ingeniously disguising their love of wine as a book club. While their intentions may be transparent to everyone else, these winos insist that their guise is a stroke of genius. “It’s a sophisticated literary club that explores classic as well contemporary novels, okay? We don’t have a wine problem. We can stop anytime we want!” said club president, Charlotte Chardonnay, as she poured herself another glass of Merlot. “We appreciate literature just as much as we appreciate a glass of wine filled to the brim. Why not combine the two?”

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In a move sure to appeal to millennial parents everywhere, Fisher-Price has announced the launch of a new line of musical toys featuring beloved hits from the 90’s and 2000’s. “I simply couldn’t stand to hear “Old McDonald” or “BINGO” one more time,” remarked one local parent.  “For too long, parents have been subjected to the same tired tunes on repeat,” commented Fisher-Price spokesperson, Melody Rhymes. “With our new line of musical toys, we’re giving parents a much-needed break from the monotony while introducing their little ones to the songs of their youth.”

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Ryder, the local young leader of the Paw Patrol, has long been a fixture in Adventure Bay. He is often seen gallivanting around town with his high-tech ATVs or overseeing operations in his pup-filled command center. However, recent concerns about his upbringing have left many locals bewildered and wondering where the hell are Ryder’s parents?

“I see that kid zooming around town on his ATV at all hours of the day and night,” expressed one concerned citizen. “Doesn’t he have a bedtime? And where are his parents when he’s operating heavy machinery without any formal training? I have never even heard his parents being referenced, let alone seen proof that they exist. The kid can’t be more than 10 years old! Where are social services?”

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United Healthcare, one of the largest health insurance providers in the US, recently introduced a new loyalty program targeting families with children who are prone to ear infections. The program, called “Infectious Rewards,” promises to give a free coffee mug to parents whose children experience 7 or more ear infections in a single year.

Named “Infectious Rewards,” this innovative program aims to reward parents who are constantly caring for their children’s chronic ear infections. “We know that ear infections can be a real pain, both for children and their parents,” said United Healthcare spokesperson, Jane Billingsly. “That’s why we wanted to give something back to those parents who would gladly trade one of their thumbs in exchange for one month of winter without their children being sick.”

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The ever-unpredictable Joe Rogan Experience shattered another mold this week, welcoming its youngest guest ever: 9-year-old Alec Jones, a fourth grader from Austin, Texas. The episode, which aired yesterday, left audiences both amused and bewildered as Rogan delved into topics including ancient archeology, memories of the Comedy Store, and ice baths.

“It’s entirely possible that this kid might just be the next big thing,” Rogan declared at the start of the episode, As the interview kicked off, Rogan wasted no time diving. “So, Alec, what’s your workout routine like? Do you hit the monkey bars hard, or are you more of a dodgeball kind of kid?” he inquired curiously.

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In a groundbreaking development, scientists have identified a newly discovered gene believed to contribute to a larger bone structure in some individuals, popularly referred to as being “big-boned.” This news has sparked excitement among sturdy, husky, and hefty children worldwide, who have often faced assumptions that their weight is solely a result of embarrassingly poor dietary choices and near-zero amount of exercise.

Dubbed the “big bone” gene, this revolutionary discovery is set to shake up the world of genetics and weight loss. For years, overweight individuals have been told that their size is a result of their lifestyle choices, but now they can rest assured that their weight is simply a matter of genetics.

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As a father, I take great pride in introducing my son to new experiences and cultures. So you can imagine my disappointment when we recently visited a highly recommended authentic Mexican restaurant, only to have my son order a burger and fries?

I mean, what kind of uncultured simpleton doesn’t order tacos or enchiladas at a Mexican restaurant? And to make matters worse, he doesn’t even pronounce Mexico with an H. It’s MEH-i-co, not MEX-i-co

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In a stunning display of comedic ineptitude, a local child has been found to be exceptionally bad at improv during his playtime with friends. The seven year old child, whose name has been withheld to protect his identity, has been reported to consistently fail at the fundamental concept of “yes, and,” leaving his playmates frustrated and bored.

According to sources close to the child, he has a habit of blocking instead of engaging in the collaborative back-and-forth that defines good improv. “He always says things like, ‘No, I don’t want to go to the zoo’ or ‘I’m not a pirate,'” expressed a frustrated playmate. “It’s like, come on, we’re pretending here! Can’t you use your imagination and go along with it?!”

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The hopes of one large family has been plunged into a nightmare. Their mother’s recent purchase of an extra large mixing bowl has crushed their hopes of ever escaping the dreaded bowl haircut that all five siblings receive monthly. All of them had been harboring dreams of one day stepping into an extra bright Great Clips for their first non-bowlcut, were left shell-shocked as their mom’s decision threatened to keep them follicly imprisoned for years to come.

The tale begins with the eldest of the siblings, Chad, a quickly growing 13 year old who had recently outgrown the standard-sized mixing bowl their mother had employed for their regular haircuts. Chad had celebrated this milestone for he had hoped that reaching adolescence would signal the end of the bowl cut era and the dawn of more sophisticated hairstyles.

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