this post was submitted on 15 Dec 2023
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SneerClub
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Hurling ordure at the TREACLES, especially those closely related to LessWrong.
AI-Industrial-Complex grift is fine as long as it sufficiently relates to the AI doom from the TREACLES. (Though TechTakes may be more suitable.)
This is sneer club, not debate club. Unless it's amusing debate.
[Especially don't debate the race scientists, if any sneak in - we ban and delete them as unsuitable for the server.]
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As Rachel unlocked the door to Chez Mixte the next day, she felt something different. At first, she couldn't figure out what. Everything that had appeared antiquated and unsophisticated now had a special glow. She had once looked at pastries like Blake's orteils de gopher, which had been setting overnight, and thought them no better than animal crackers. Now, they seemed full of animal passion.
For the first time, she picked one up and bit into it. Flaky, and Blake's cream tasted so good on her tongue. Sweet, but not too sweet. A thought popped into her head. Blake had started posting gym selfies five weeks ago. That was about when he had started looking for a flour sifting accessory. Had he been trying to... impress her?
Thinking about Rachel made Blake as hard as a Rubik's Cube. But Rubik's Cubes are only hard if you don't know the trick, and Blake knew the trick. He could solve a Rubik's Cube in 5.9 seconds. It was not the only thing Blake could do in 5.9 seconds, Rachel noted approving.
Blake couldn't stop thinking about Rachel. He wanted to make a life-sized replica of her out of Legos, then take it apart piece by piece and put it back together, making it better. Maybe making her fifteen feet tall and able to shoot lasers out of her eyes. But not hotter. Blake didn't know how to make her any hotter.
Blake was so interested in Rachel cladistically. "If my priors are correct, there's a 98.3% chance you want me," Blake said suggestively. "That's good enough for me."
"Oh yes! I want you with all my gene pool!" she exclaimed. Blake's priors were correct. Her bakery had finally found meaning.
Blake had never felt the way he felt about Rachel about anyone since that time he showed Kayla how to strafe in Purple Heart 2. He still remembered the feel of his big, manly hands gently touching her controller, pressing her buttons expertly. They strafed together all afternoon, gigglingly. He had a manly giggle. But that was before he learned how to really sift flour. It takes a tough man to make flour smooth as silk.
Rachel wanted to make pastries with Blake more than she had ever wanted anything in her life. She didn't know if they would make a big handsome croissant or some cute little danishes, but at this point she didn't care. Her gastronomical clock was ticking.
Just like how in Minecraft if you line two chests up next to each other you make a big chest, Rachel's two breasts lined up perfectly to make a big chest. "She's at the peak of evolutionary fitness!" Blake thought through his masculine flannel hat. It made him proud to be a mammal.
Blake couldn't wait to rip Rachel's bodice. He turned on his computer so that he could Google where the bodice would be located. He wanted to be prepared. It was good that the Internet had finally come to Pastryton.
Suddenly, inspiration hit Blake like a deer hits the grill of a mint condition Chevy on a foggy night. "Boda" was Spanish for wedding. "Bodice" was probably French for wedding-thing. You needed to know a lot of French to be an expert baker. But Blake didn't have a whole lot of other opportunities to use his French in Pastryton. He hoped Rachel would like him using his French on her. All of his French. On her.
Finally, Blake couldn't resist a second more. It was not when he planned it, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. Blake spontaneously popped the question! "Do you like Harry Potter and/or rational thinking? Do you want to be less wrong?"
"Yes!" Rachel cried out with her whole soul. "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!" She tackled him and they rolled around for an hour. It was amazing how femininely she could roll and how masculinely he could roll and how perfectly they rolled together, like two ball bearings milled for the same track. They rolled on the thing she had put down on the grass for them to have their picnic upon. Blake wasn't sure whether it was supposed to be a tablecloth or a blanket. The pattern on it looked more like gingham than flannel, but he wasn't an expert. He would have to ask his sister about it. But that could wait for later. When he was done rolling.
"I started out with bad priors about you, Blake. About all of Pastryton really. But I've updated them now."
"As it should be, Rachel. As it should be."
"That's not the only thing I've updated my priors about lately."
Rachel looked essentially identical to almost every other adult female Homo sapiens. There were trivial deviations here and there but everything was clearly within normal parameters. It was a pattern that evolution had programmed Blake to like. And he liked it very much indeed.
"I can't believe that Rachel is going back to Manhattan because of a misunderstanding I could explain to her in six words but have instead chosen to make a huge plot point."
"Have you tried just telling her how you feel, Blakeston?"
"Is that... is that a thing you can do? Like there are words for such things? This is incredible, Mom! What an amazing idea! No one else could give advice like you do!" Blake couldn't wait to get home, turn on his computer with his thick, rod-like fingers, and Google "words that describe emotions."
Rachel loved to watch Blake knead bread. She would do it for hours if she could. Blake's big, strong hands could knead the dough harder than anyone else, and that's why his loaves were always longer than anyone else's.
"Chez Mixte?" laughed Marcie over the phone. "More like Chex Mix! Look, the bumpkins in Pastryton might think it's convenient for families to pick up their men's and women's pastries from the same shop, but you and I both know that it's just not worth the risk. What if a woman accidentally makes a dainty religieuse with masculine dough made by a man? It would be chaos! Who knows what would happen? I certainly wouldn't want to be there to find out."
Suddenly Blake's vocabulary lesson was interrupted by doubt. "But wait! Why would Rachel care about how I feel about her?" he thought. He couldn't think of a reason why it would matter to her at all. Still, this was the best plan he had, so he went back to trying to memorize what the word "happy" means. He thought that would be a good one to impress her with.
"Just try it!" Rachel pleaded. "You might like it." It wasn't really a test, but Rachel knew it kind of was.
Blake knew that he would have to adapt to some of Rachel's big city ways if he wanted to live with her forever, kind of like two vampires but without the blood and coffins and stuff. But still living together, just like vampires do.
"Alright, I'll give it a try." He got a mouthful and squished it around. It was creamy, with a touch of salt. He swallowed, and a smile grew on his face. "Wow! I really can't believe it's not butter!"
"You must never use this in a croissant," Rachel said very seriously.
Blake pinky sweared.