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I suddenly have to provide for a family of 4, and I never had a job before. (sopuli.xyz)
submitted 19 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
17 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Basically, I'm 25M and never had a real job. 2 days ago, my father just had a CVA and it's at death's door, having been the only income for our family his whole life. While he was a god awful parent to me, he did give us everything we needed, and he was a great dad to my sisters.

Now that he's about to die, we not only lost our only provider, but he's leaving us with a huge debt to pay (over 3M in local coin, around 3k USD) due to all the loans he took the last 2 years to buy fancy stuff for himself and my sisters, and being the older brother, it falls on me to bring the food to the table.

I honestly don't know what to do at this point, I feel overwhelmed by all the sudden responsibilities, and running away isn't an option, I can't bring myself to leave my sisters and mother behind.

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[–] southsamurai 25 points 17 hours ago

Yeah, this is way too complex for social media. You need an estate lawyer, yesterday.

Just beware of one thing. Depending on where you live, you aren't responsible for your parents' debts. So don't make promises to anyone to pay them, don't sign anything, don't verbally agree to anything, period.

If you plan on trying to help manage the household, you taking on the debt is going to make it a shit ton harder. You already have little or no credit at your age, your siblings probably don't either. Having massive debt, and the eventual credit ruination added into that, you're fucked. Your mom declaring bankruptcy isn't a pleasant thing, but as long as the rest of you aren't on the hook for it, that's the end of it. You and/or your siblings will be able to handle getting utilities, housing, etc in your names if/when you have to move. If y'all have that debt moved onto you, that may not be possible.

So agree to nothing. Don't agree to pay medical bills, don't agree to pay anything. I'm not saying you can't pay them, you can. But don't enter into any agreement with anyone to do so. Either just pay it, or give your mom the funds and let her.

It doesn't matter who calls you, what they say, most places in the world, they can't force a child to pay a parent's debts. You would have to agree to it. Let them go after the estate, period.

Also, let's be real for a second. You aren't solely responsible here. Your mom is an adult, and as your siblings ages shift to where they can help (if they aren't already adults), it isn't all on your shoulders. Women are perfectly capable of contributing to their own household financially and practically. Not sure where you are, there may be cultural or legal reasons that change exactly how much and what type of help they can be, but it's never zero.

Be a mutual support network. Don't take it all on your shoulders, spread the weight around so that nobody breaks under it.

But first and foremost, talk to an estate specialist.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

A stroke is very much survavable, but him surviving may be worse for everyone as now you're taking care of an infirm person who can't work and still has those debts. :(

Like others have said, get an estate planner.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 7 hours ago

We though the same the first day, but around 5hs ago, we were told that he has had micro-strokes for around a month now (we believed his sudden mood swings were due to his diabetes and high sugar), and that the big stroke produced a brain hemorrhage, which happened again yesterday.

He could survive, but neither us nor the doctors are so hopeful, since if his blood pressure increases again, he could very certainly simply die on the spot. Mom is already grieving and trying to make peace with it, but sisters are still hopeful.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 18 hours ago* (last edited 17 hours ago) (3 children)

Edit to add that this is not legal advice.

First, IANL, get legal advice from an estate attorney in your area. Doing so will likely save you a shitload of money and financial hardship.

Don't know where you live but it's worth finding out if the debt is in his name only, and if it is, the legal status after he dies. In the US at least, I believe you have no obligation to take on the debt of a deceased person. If it's tied to physical property like a house that's different, and if that's the case you may be able choose to not accept ownership/inheritance of the property with the debt attached to it thus avoiding the debt burden.

Again. IANL. Get legal advice from an estate attorney

[–] [email protected] 4 points 18 hours ago

In the US, debt usually comes out of the estate, but that's not necessarily the case when there's a surviving spouse. That is, if your only remaining parent died with 3M in debt, and all of their assets had a combined value of 500k, in most cases the creditor would apply that debt to the estate, and the remaining debt would be cancelled. (Althouth they'd likely try to get you to pay anyways.) But if your mom is a survivor, and they held the estate jointly, the creditors probably can not do things like take the house in probate.

But you def. need to get an attorney here.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

My understanding of US debt inheritance is that the debtor can claim up to the value of the debt from the estate, but if the debt is more than the value of the estate they can't go after anyone else for it unless their name was also attached to the debt.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 hours ago

That would be helpful if OP was in the US.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Many of the debts are on physical assets,some like a huge TV he bought last year to watch sports I already had plans to return t, but others like a fridge he bought to replace the old one we had after it broke or the PC my sisters use to study are needed, I can't simply leave those out without having a way to replace them.

Also, the house we are right now isn't ours, we're renting, and the contract last until June, and that would be another 50k USD that we don't have.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

Again, IANL, see an estate attorney, none of this is legal advice.

Were those things actually purchased with a loan against them as collateral, or with a credit card or other unsecured credit?

Credit card purchases are usually unsecured debt. So even if the fridge or TV were purchased with a credit card, they likely will not actually have a lien against them.

That being said, depending in how estate law works where you live, his estate and all property/effects he owned may have to go towards paying off any debt.

If he gifts ownership of items to you or someone else before he passes (and documents the gifting for physical proof), then it may be possible to keep some items that may otherwise go towards settling the eatate.

You need to see an estate attorney asap. Before he passes.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 16 hours ago* (last edited 16 hours ago)

I just asked my mom, he took MANY loans from different banks to supposedly "sustain the household", but ultimately burned through the money buying the PC, fridge, etc. Aparently, it's way more than I had knowledge of, since I knew about the latest ones, but she told this has been happening since 2 years ago, and it checks out with the when we changed phones, my nephew's TV, a bike and other things.

Also, mom refuses to talk with any attorney until after he dies, saying it would only jinx it. I sort of understand it, she's still cleaning the bedroom and clothes to bring him back, even after the doctor told us it's not likely he'll survive a week.

EDIT: also, the govt here apparently passed a law many years ago that prohibits nullifying debts due to people taking advantage of it to make huge buying sprees in the name of elder people, and then getting to keep the assets due to the debtor dying before they finish paying. I'm not sure about how true this is, but I do remember seeing something about it on the news when I was younger.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 19 hours ago (2 children)

Considering 3 million dollars is more than most people make in a lifetime, you may want to consider default or bankruptcy, unless your mother and sisters are also looking for work.

How much do you have in assets?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 hours ago* (last edited 2 hours ago)

The comprehension in this thread is worse than usual. OP said 3 million in local coin or about $3k USD.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 17 hours ago

They're considering it, but my mom is already working herself off to maintain the house, and my sisters still have a future studying their careers and doing really well, so I'd rather keep them free to continue their studies instead of making them work too.

[–] [email protected] -2 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Is your “3M” three thousand or three million?

I ask because million is usually abbreviated as MM, and there’s a big difference between them.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 17 hours ago (1 children)

3 million, but on the local coin. Converted to US dollars, it would be closer to 3 thousand.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 17 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago) (1 children)

Okay. That’s “better” ( still bad).

How does that line up with local cost of living? Is that a month’s wages or a year’s?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 17 hours ago

Taking my friend in account, who has the best job amongst us, he gains 220k a month, so around 1.5 years of his wage.