Ask Lemmy

My advice? Sounds like you could use some therapy. Genuinely therapy is really helpful for sorting out these issues.

You sound like you may be dealing with more than just burn out. Of course im not a medical professional and i dont know you well enough to really make any fair assessment but just talking things out with someone would likely be beneficial.

If you can't afford therapy, talking things out with a friend may help as well but as they wont be trained to deal with this, it may or may not be helpful. It can help but its not a replacement for professional help unfortunately. I speak from experience but ymmv.

I worked in CS so i know it sucks. I hope things get better for you.

Practicing what I call Micro Pleasantries helps me feel good about life. Can be as simple as complimenting someone on their awesome new shoes or giving up your seat on the bus (or allowing someone to merge) It makes me feel better and hopefully makes someone feel better , too.

I’m not sure how much I can help except to reassure you that your personality does not have to be a straight line into “grumpy old man”.

When I was your age, I was also pessimistic, sarcastic, cynical, with deadpan humor. I probably wasn’t a fun person to be around. Now that i’m twice your age, i’m optimistic, positive, pleasant and friendly, and love goofy humor and Dad Jokes. My politics have skewed way left, and I regularly try to interject some hope into discussions with disillusioned young adults. Don't worry about a thing 'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright

My best guess for why I changed, was having kids. Some of it was to light up the path of their lives, some of it was seeing the light through their eyes, but I think it was mostly joining them. I first saw the light at a cabin in the Adirondacks when I snuck out early before anyone was up so I could feed my newborn his first bottle at the top of the nearby mountain. I could look around, do the Lion King thing to proclaim the world as his. But it got better as he got older and I rediscovered my inner child and the simple joy of playing. Now he’s the serious kid going into college worrying about his future, the environment, etc, and I’m the goofball making him laugh, showing hope and optimism about the future, letting him know every little thing is gonna be alright l

Well, self awareness goes a long way, so you’re on the right path. Lots of people get crotchety and cynical by focusing too much on things that are outside their control. Focus more on areas of your life that you can influence, and learn to enjoy your life for what it is rather than what it could be.

Honestly, if you’re the type of person who’s prone to this, disengaging from hyper cynical social media platforms (yes, including Lemmy) is probably another good idea.

My dad used to be super into politics and consumed rage-bait news on TV and social media a lot, especially during the height of covid. Once he unplugged from all of that there was a noticeable shift in his demeanor and I would say that he’s significantly happier and more content now.

Look for the little joys. Seriously. You know that light that always seems to be red when you get there? Celebrate the times it's not rather than getting annoyed when it is. Make up words from the letters on a license and consider what might make a person want that. Come up with bad answers. Absurd ones. Find shapes in clouds.

Not all of that is easy but it can be worth the effort.

Happiness can be chosen, just not all the time. Look for the places you can and try to do it. Like anything it'll get easier with practice.

*There are hard things that will make choosing happiness nigh impossible. If you find yourself in one of these places you need external help, very probably professional. It's not weakness to acknowledge that any more than it is to see a doctor if you cut off your arm.

Don't worry about it, accept it as a stage of life and do it with style. Start cataloging a lot of zingers aimed at young people being foolish and practice your delivery of the word "dumbass" so that it can be used to end most sentences.

Duh just take shrooms

One thing no one seems to be mentioning, is finding a purpose. A reason that things are worth it even when they aren't good.

What is your reason for living, your hope, even when shit hits the fan?

Join a men’s group. Nothing else in my life has softened my face more.

As someone near your age who had worked in Food Service for a similar amount of time; I highly recommend you talk to your GP about getting some help. I came out feeling the exact same way, but ignored it. That was the wrong thing to do, and getting medical help has made a huge difference.

It's kinda freaky reading your post honestly. I even worked on Factory lines after kitchens and had a similar experience.

Do you happen to have access to a bunch of balloons?

I agree with @Bluefruit that therapy is invaluable if you get a good therapist (you might have to try a few; don't get discouraged). I think 80% (a number right from my ass) people could benefit from therapy (as opposed to 80% need therapy).

But also, some of it is just personality. I also don't smile easily with people who aren't close to me. I have trouble making jokes with people that don't know me intimately because my (also) deadpan humor is dark and absurdist. Only through knowing me intimately will it sound like a joke. A colleague once observed that he was starting to recognize my brand of humor six months into working together, which I found surprising at the time. Some of it you just accept as who you are.

Having been in CS positions at different times in my life, I realize that it can make a person dead inside. Hopefully, this isn't your situation. If it is, please work (however you find an ability to) to find a change. For me, it was witnessing a moment of truly astonishing empathy from someone that was a wakeup call. Best of luck!

Eh just lean into it.

Give more than you take.

I might understand how you feel. Opening up is a good first step. But after that? I don't know. What steps to take and how long your path will be... no one knows.

Whenever anxiety tries to take controll of me... whenever i am angry at my own progress, i think about a little story:

A man takes a morning-walk on the beach. During the night there was a terrible storm, spreading tousands of seastars over the sand. He sees a woman trying to bring the seastars back to the water.

He walk up to her and asks: "why are you even doing this? You will just save a few, but the majority will die when the sun rises."

She bend down to pick one seastar up and throws it into the ocean. "Maybe. But this one i have saved."

Changing is hard and often feels pointless. The only thing we can do is doing things step by step.

The way you avoid becoming a crotchety old man is to die young. I'm not sure I've met a genuinely happy old man.

After reading the other replies I went back and re-read your post to check...you don't mention a partner or any significant other. I think you might be focusing too hard inward (bad mood, cynical, walls up) and not focusing outward (cherishing interactions with others, forming or maintaining bonds with others). Perhaps you're feeling lonely?

I am a grump but my wife won't let me get away with it for long. I am cynical but my friends call me on it because I force myself to share. My work puts me in contact with new people every day and I actively seek an understanding of them and have to let them see who I am in order to be good at my job.

Another respondent said "put yourself out there". I agree but would also add seek out interactions with others and be a participant not an observer.

Don't get injured.

Get a better job and hang around with cooler people, get drunk and high if you feel like it, and get your mind into a state of carelessness about all the bullshit. Don't worry about things that you can't control, because it does no good and stains your mind. Enjoy your hobbies and do whatever you want.

I think one thing you can do is just practice smiling. Smiling sends you good brain chemicals, even if you're not happy. Maybe those other guys joke and laugh with each other, but not you, because when they see your serious face, they think you don't want to interact with them. If you smile when you overhear their jokes, they may rope you in. And people just like seeing someone smile. (Generally. If people start looking worried and edging away from you slowly, maybe dial it back a little.)

One other thing I think of as a hallmark of crotchety people is reacting to any development pragmatically or even pessimistically. A lot of things that happen in life could be interpreted in multiple ways, and you can try to focus on the positive sides of things. Boss asks you to do extra work? Maybe it's an opportunity to impress them, or develop a new skill. Car won't start? Well, it IS nice out, and it feels good to go for a walk. I know that isn't always easy to do, often times a thing happens that is just crappy. But try to practice it whenever you get a chance, until it becomes a habit.

Additionally, since that's not always reliable, make a habit at the end of the day to think of and say out loud 3 things that happened that you were grateful for that day. They can be big broad things like "I'm glad I'm healthy" or even "I'm glad my back didn't hurt like usual" or really specific like "I'm glad Tony said he'd cover my shift at work, he didn't have to do that."

Well, yeah. Yeah you're on the path to being a grumpy old man. Why the fuck wouldn't ya be? Have you looked around? So many humans doing what they can to actively make things worse. Everyday stupid shit just gets stupider.

Fuck it.

Yeah. We're fucking it up. Fuck it. Yeah. Peeps are shits to each other. Fuck it. Yeah. So many of us refuse to change even a tiny bit to make the world better for all. Fuck it.

Humans are some silly people. Best thing to do is improve little things around ya. Be the change you'd like to see. And.... Fuck it. Let that shit go.

Widen that view as far as you can. We're fucking miracles. Fucking stars blew up and made these crazy improbable combo of atoms speeding along on a spaceship planet that ending up making a you. And a me. And we're here at the same damn time. Fucking hell.

Yeah. Everything is fucked. But don't worry. No matter what happens, the sun will swallow the earth and it will all disappear.

So make the best of it. Enjoy the enjoyable parts of the ride. Find a butt to pinch, a flower to smell, a candle to burn. Waste some time.

Breathe and feel that fucking air in your throat. Fucking nice.

If you're grumpy, be grumpy. Enjoy it. Oscar your grouch right up!

Fuck it.

You sound like you are a bit traumatized from your years in food service.

Not specific to your issue but: Remember that people younger than you grew up in very different situations then you did. You grew up, then the world changed. It never stops changing.

Probably avoiding alcohol unless in moderation when socializing. I’d suggest meditating as well.

Being cranky takes effort. Easier to float along.

Mirror the profile of actually happy, older people who have lives you would like to have.

Take care of your health, eat well and exercise.

Be successful: you don’t have to be rapacious, but there is a level of financial success and stability that definitely decreases stress and affords more opportunities, like travel and hobbies.

Be social: the happiest people have strong social networks.

Be wise: don’t worry about what you can’t change, but be engaged and try to make the world a better place.

The best way to stop being miserable is to see other people more miserable than you...and help them. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen or similar. You will count your blessings soon enough. I regularly volunteer to do the final rites of dead people in my community. This includes bathing and prepping the corpse and later burying them. Being around dead people will quickly change your world view.